Archive | May, 2012

10 Reasons I Am A Wizard

31 May

10: I have a penchant for large, outrageous hats.

9: I always pick up sticks and try to cast magic, and sometimes it even works. Well. Once, but that still counts!

8: The Pop music industry was so evil I cast a curse. Later that year, Justin Bieber came around. COINCIDENCE?!

7: If you wire me up to a 6000 volt generator… I die. Yeah, it turns out wizards aren’t immune to electricity.

6: I ride around entirely on a giant owl. (As far as YOU know.)

5: Occasionally, all of my blood becomes pure gasoline. I have no idea if it has anything to do with magic, but I wish it would stop.

4: I hang out with Gandalf all of the time. Admittedly, “Gandalf” is the name of my drug dealer, but it still counts.

3: I can repeat things with impunity.

2: I can repeat things with impunity.

1: I can believe it’s not butter.

Well, I hope you all understand now that I am, and always have been, a wizard-

[EDITORS NOTE: CONGRATULATIONS! You wrote an entire post about wizards without a Harry Potter reference! You win a cake!]

Minimalistic Batman Villains

30 May

Hey, everybody! What happens if you give a nerd with almost no artistic ability a Sumo Paint account?

Answer: 6 drawings of minimalistic Batman Villains.

Bane!Killer Croc!Joker!Mr Freeze!The Phantasm!Scarecrow!

(My favourite is Scarecrow.)

Dear Facebook Users

29 May

Dear Facebook users.

Hello. You use Facebook, as your name of “Facebook Users” would imply. I honestly have no idea why, I pretty much just use it for ads for my blog. I am shameless, I know. Okay, I’m stalling.


That is fine, use it, play dumbass games, share things you find funny, and use it to keep up with gossip. That’s fine, that’s believable. That is useful! Well, the games aren’t, but you get the point. My social life is non-existent, so yeah. Screw you guys.


Motivational posts on Facebook are the worst thing I have ever seen. If the Internet was a flying eagle, floating above the clouds, motivational Facebook posts would be a tiny grenade strapped to that eagles head made entirely of anthrax and Hitler.

(Enjoy that mental image)

So if you post a motivational post, keep in mind: Nobody likes them.

Nobody finds it inspirational. Every time I read one, I die a little inside.

And everybody finds it hateful and irritating. Well. I do, so that is a good enough reason to stop.

If somebody thumbs up your post, it’s just to make you feel better because you so obviously need a lobotomy. Consider this an intervention, and stop it.

If you do post motivational posts for no good reason other then you are ‘happy’, then I am going to stuff your head in a box and toss in a weasel. A weasel made out of hate.

You have been warned.

Sincerely, AVSE.

10 Surefire Ways To Get A Girlfriend

28 May

10: Women love a man who isn’t afraid to be a little feminine. To that end, wearing a pink floral dress at all times will send the ladies running. Whether they are running to or away from you is anyone’s guess. Hopefully not both, or their heads will explode. Yeah, hopefully not that.

9: If anything can get a girl to like you, it’s animals. And, if there is any animal a girl likes, it’s jackals. Whenever you’re in public, make sure to have a pack of rabid, feral jackals on hand at all time. First girl you see, throw it at her head, and she’ll be in your arms in a moment.

8: Everybody likes candy, especially women, so replacing your penis with a black liquorice Twizzler will definitely improve your chances. Keep in mind you’ll have to change your penis periodically or you’ll attract bugs. Ha ha, enjoy that mental image, sucker.

7: As was popularized in the 2010 Bruno Mars song “Grenade”, women love sacrifice. So, if Bruno Mars is correct, the best way to get a girl is self immolation. Carry around a tank of gasoline and a lighter to burst into flames if the date ever slows down. Oh, who am I kidding? Nobody actually listens to Bruno Mars.

6: According to the girls who I watch from my binoculars, they like Justin Bieber. And, taking this to the logical conclusion, one can easily attract a girl by hunting down, slaughtering, and stealing the face of Justin Bieber. And even if it doesn’t work, it’s Justin Bieber! Who’s gonna object?

5: Everybody hates loud noises, so deafening all women you meet will make them eternally grateful. Sexy time and delicious brownies are soon to follow.

4:  The ladies love a sensitive man, so bursting into tears whenever possible is optimal. And if you just can’t do it yourself, just carry pepper spray around at all times! Right in the eyes will work like a charm. Either that, or you’ll develop an immunity to it. Either way, marked improvement.

3: To make sure you’re a good choice, your date will like to make sure you’re zany. To that end, smack yourself in the face over and over again till the date is over. Second date, here we come!

2: Carry around pure, uncut, weapons grade cocaine at all times to give away for free. Hopefully being coked out of their mind will convince the ladies to ignore your startling personality deficiencies. Plus, you might become Snowflame.

God, this guy is awesome.

1: Hypothetically, you could find a girl with similar interests, invite her on a date, and move on from there. You know, like a normal person.

But no, cocaine is way cooler.

Go with the cocaine, Snowflame commands you!

A Motivational Post

27 May

Well, I can’t just sit around coughing. According to the editor who… I apparently have here, I have to write a motivational post. Or I get fired.

Now, this raise several questions, not the least of which is who the fuck is my editor and how can they fire me?!

See, I’ve never been a very motivational person. Unless you count that time I tossed a Cheeto in the air and caught it in my mouth, that was freaking inspirational.

I mean, I could say that we’re all born equal. Except, guess what, we aren’t. There’ll always be that one guy. That one guy who takes all the coffee. That one guy who judges your entire self worth on how fast you can run. That one guy who hates you for being smarter than him.

(Although that isn’t much of a challenge, a mentally challenged grape fruit is smarter than him.)

That one guy who laughs when you trip. That one guy who hates Dragon Age for it’s sex when he hasn’t even played it. That one guy who sells you a Tim Horton’s gift card when he knows full well that it’s empty. If you are that one guy, please get in to The Grim Sack. Once I get all the stupid people in The Grim Sack, I’m gonna toss it at a tiger and win the Nobel Peace Prize.

So I can’t motivate people like that, but maybe I tell people how much I like them!

Oh wait, that would be total lie. I hate most everybody I meet. I mean, pretty much everybody in the world is a moronic dribble puke who’s lowest mental functions just barely manage to let them understand Jersey Shore and just being around them makes me-

[EDITORS NOTE: Erik, some of these people you’re criticising actually read this. Tone it down, please?]

Oh. Right.

[EDITORS NOTE: Good god, you’re bad at this. Just say something uplifting, and we’ll post it.]

Ah, good point. So just remember, readers, you’re all great. Except, of course, for those few douchecanoe, Ent-fucking morons who wouldn’t know subtlety if it bit their inbred, stupid red-neck-

[EDITORS NOTE: STOP WRITING! Dear god, he’s snapped!]

My Head Is Full Of Sick

26 May

Guh, stupid germs. According to the tiny germs currently wreaking havoc in my nervous system, I am delicious.

And as much as I would love to take down my infections with nothing more then my fists and a howdy-do attitude , I sadly cannot.

Just assume this post is witty, and I’ll sit in the corner sniffling for a while.


So Pissed Off

25 May

News Flash: I don’t like “Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time”.

Well. That is under exaggerating a bit. A game could release a hoard of red hot laser wasps that kill my family and force me down a well, and I’d still rate it better then freaking “Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time”.

However, in my attempts to keep Nintendo nerds (otherwise known as Nintenerds) from firebombing my kitty, here are criticisms. In the form of “Still Alive”. Hopefully that we reduce any potential kitty burning to a minimum.

This is a Hyrule.
I’m making a note here: ELVES AND DWARFS
It’s hard to overstate my disappointment
A Very Strange Place
We do what we must
Because we can
For the good of all us nerds
Except the ones in Japan
But there’s no sense crying when you make some nerds hate
You just keep on playing till it gets way too late
And the evil gets dead
And I’m bored out of my head
And,oh good god, I’m just so pissed off

I’m lost in the Deku
I’m being so sincere right now
Got all the sticks to solve
A fucking puzzle
Oh, screw all these cobwebs
I’ll throw every piece in to a fire
As they burned I wondered how this game could be good to you
Now, solving pointless puzzles eats up most of my time
And I’m out of Deku
Lets see Hyrule, night time!
Oh, who cares about that?
Link’s a boring, blandish twat
And, oh dear god, I’m just so pissed off

What’s that, there’s zombies?
I think I got to get to that town
Maybe I’ll find someone else to help me
Oh hell, the doors locked
Anyway, these people suck
They’re so annoying and bland
Look at me still talking
When there’s Fable to play
When I play this game I waste a whole freaking day
The driving force is oh-so-lame
How can people like this game?
Oh, these people make me so pissed off
And believe me I am so pissed off
I’m playing Zelda and I’m so pissed off
I hate the gameplay and I’m so pissed off
While you’re playing I’ll be so pissed off
And when you’re dead I will be so pissed off

So Pissed Off

So Pissed Off

Math Teachers, Take Note

24 May

Roses are red

My textbooks are blue

If you assign me more homework

I’ll tear you in two

My head’s turning red

You ill-mannered shrew

What’s that? 3 more tests?


4 Tips About Blogging

23 May

Upon looking back to my 119-odd posts, I’ve noticed a couple of mistakes. Well, lets be frank, I’ve tripped down more potholes full of mistakes then Mario played by a spastic gorilla.

But I thought, instead of letting others walk down the worst road of history (as it is full of potholes), I’d put up a couple of safety signs to work out a couple of speeding tickets, so to speak.

You know, I wonder if the Geneva Convention has laws against torturing metaphors. Blogging, I’m talking about blogging tips.

“But wait!” goes the tiny voice in my head that only I can hear. “You’ve only been blogging for a few months! You can’t make a post of tips for blogging!”

Well, too bad, I’m the choatic neutral brain child of internet humor, and I do what I want. Deal with it!

TIP 1, BITCHES: If you aren’t happy with an update, well then, DON’T POST IT. You’d think I’d be smart enough to follow my own rules, but I break this one so often it can technically be qualified as a compound fracture.

Here’s a little hint: Virtually any time I post a haiku, it’s filler. Just write that down on your monitor in permanent marker if it’ll help. HAIKU=FILLER. Maybe I’ll make a remix of me singing it operatically with Dubstep. Hmm, I’ll have to look in to that.

TIP TOO: Keep stuff, oh I dunno, INTERESTING. In the immortal words of Thumper, “If you don’t have anything interesting to say, then shut your fucking mouth.”

It’s possible I’m remembering that wrong.

If I find someone breaking this rule, I am tossing them in to an incinerator and giggling while they burn.

You don’t wanna burn, do you? DO YOU?!

TIP TREE: Almost nothing is as frustrating as spelling errors. And wow, this is the pot calling the kettle black, huh.

It’s always good to have someone on hand to edit your mistakes (Thanks, Seanin.) and if you don’t, meet John.

Who’s John?

Well, John is my rabid crotch biting weasel.

Edit your posts, or meet John.

TIP FORE: If at any point you want to make a photo blog, well, don’t.

Just… don’t. They are the bran of the internet.

But if you have to, then this tip needs to be in god damn 15 foot tall flaming letters right on the internet.I DOTH PROCLAIM

Everytime I see one of these, my body clenches, my teeth grit, my left hand starts looking for my jugular, my right hand tries to stop him, my feet start aiming for the modem, my tongue figures out something fun is going on and starts flopping around and my spine just gives up and snaps.

Okay, this is slight hyperbole, but you get my point.

SOMETIMES you get one with nice pictures or funny captions, but most of the time, nope. Stay away from these things, they’re like the plague, except slightly more unseemly.

If I ever meet someone who has a boring photo blog I am going to stuff them in to a sack and drown them. In a river of acid and snakes.

“But wait!” One might say. “I really like photo blogs, and I’d like you to stop making fun of them!”

Oh really, I’d say back, well I’d really like you to GET IN MY GODDAMN SACK GET IN THERE.


22 May


As a little kid, my great grandma had a crab apple tree. She, at the same time, was terrified of bees (and wasps).

Guess what what wasps like to eat?



Stupid, yellow-black flying machines of hate. Why? Why are they just so…mean?