Archive | June, 2012

Captive Limericks

30 Jun

There once was a fellow online

Who could not think of a good rhyme

He kidnapped a bum

So that he’d write him one

And the end result was quite sublime.

Sushi Of Approval

29 Jun

I like sushi. Sushi kicks ass. Sushi is one of my favourite foods. And sushi, naturally, earns my first official “Seal Of Approval”!

[Thanks, Potatoes!]

Does He Look Like A Bike?

29 Jun

[The following is a true story.]

“So, anything new happen?” asked Potatoes over the phone.

“I got a new bike!” I answer back.

“That’s pretty cool! What does it look like?”

“It’s big and it’s black and-”

“Does it look like a bitch?” Interjects Potatoes.

“What?!”

Does YOUR NEW BIKE look like a BITCH?!” Potatoes screams.

“What? No! No it doesn’t!”

“Then why you try to ride him like a bitch, Erik?”

The Insultotron

28 Jun

Come one, come all, to witness the magnificence of the one, the only, the INSULTOTRON 3000!

The Insultotron, powered by hatred, can take even the most bland sentences and turn them in to biting insults!

For example, if you give the Insultotron the following sentence:

Jack be nimble,

Jack be quick,

Jack jump over

The candlestick.

Then the Insultotron will give you:

Jack’s a dumbass,

Jack’s a dick,

Jack’s a stupid

Asshole prick.

Order your Insultotron today!

(Shipping not valid in America or others, priced at one virgin soul plus tax, product does not actually exist.)

Lovely As Balls

27 Jun

Yay, I am apparently lovely! Thank you, QueridaJ, for nominating me for the “One Lovely Blog” award.

An award that means nothing, and results in people getting their egos stroked. So you can understand why I like it.

According to QueridaJ, I now have to:

A: Thank the nominator.

B: List seven facts about myself.

C: Nominate 15 other people.

Wait. What was that middle one?

Oh, come on! I already did that for the 100th post.

Sigh. Alright, but never let it be said that I fold to peer pressure. I just do what other people tell me to do in the hopes of being accepted.

Ahem. Number one- wait, the last list of personal facts I did had “The Final Countdown” playing. What should I play for this one?

Why yes, this is a polka cover of “Hot N Cold” by Katy Perry. You can’t stop me.

1: The first poem I wrote while I was in grade school got stolen by a high schooler. The poem got full marks in both classes.

2: Once a week, I buy a cream soda Slurpee just because I am that cool. Deal with it.

3: Ever since the famous Hitchcock movie, I distrust birds. They also have hallow bones, which is bad. I mean, they could have a knife hidden in them!

4: It took me 3 hours to figure out how to use Photoshop. I was forced to wear the Hat Of Shame.

5: When I was little, I was eternally traumatized by a “Powerpuff Girls” cartoon.

(I was easily traumatized back then.)

6: I became a school hero when I entertained everybody waiting for the school to open it’s doors. I did so via a stick with bouncy balls on each end. Yeah, they were easily entertained.

7: I became the Grade 6 valedictorian because I was the most charismatic and always held doors open. Not because of my grades. Just the door opening.

And now, allow me to nominate 15 other bloggers! I’d write why I like them, but if I get too positive my head explodes.

1: http//:http://prometheantimes.com/

2: http//:http://drevets.com/

3: http//:http://ibrokemyglassesagain.wordpress.com/

4: http//:http://getsecondlunch.com/

5: http//:http://fearnoweebles.wordpress.com/

6:http//:http://jennmcclory.com/

7:http//:http://fringewalk.wordpress.com/

8:http//:http://guapola.wordpress.com/

9:http//:http://girlonthecontrary.com/

10:http//:http://jodiambroseblog.com/

11:http//:http://edwardhotspur.wordpress.com/

12:http//:http://kelsgonebush.com/

13:http//:http://carrieslager.wordpress.com/

14:http//:http://www.ukruthy.co.uk/

15:http//:http://breakingmyreality.wordpress.com/

Oh good god it took me way too long to get all of those links. If it turns out they don’t work, I am gonna scream. Now, keep in mind that a big chunk of these I don’t actually read. However, they gave good first impressions. Which is better than 89% of the blogs I saw. We have a lot of crap on the Internet.

Oh, fuck. Great, now I have to tell all 15 people that they’re nominated.

This is gonna hurt. Sigh.

Bye, people who are also lovely! I hope all the nominees enjoy having the smug satisifaction that I think they are cool.

Break It Down To Breakup

26 Jun

I already made a list of great love song lyrics, so why not do the exact opposite?

Well, actually I can think of a dozen reasons why that is a bad idea. But never let it be said that I ever made a good idea!

So, lets go through 5 of my top breakup lyrics! And yes, I did do randomly coloured placards again. You can’t stop me.

This is from “Hell Of It” by Paul Williams and damn is it harsh. This is the kind of smack down that comes after an alcohol fuelled bender with your hated S.O. I swear, the writer was just going through a check-list of put-downs.

I’m pretty sure the only insults he left off were “Corpsefucker” and “Rat Soup Eating Motherfucker”.

I absolutely despise “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen. I hate how cutesy it is, I hate how shrill the singing is, and I hate how I am the only one who seems to notice this. This is on the list because if a girlfriend of mine sang this, I would drop her like a anchor down a wind-tunnel made entirely out of hatred.

There we go, we have out obligatory Jonathan Coulton song. “Want You Gone” was the song put at the end of “Portal 2”, and it rocks. A line like this would be at the end of a burned out, tired relationship when one just wants it to end and wow that’s actually kind of depressing. Moving on!

Oh, fuck you, Kanye West. This is part of his guest verse on Katy Perry’s song “E.T” and it isn’t a line you say after or during a breakup. No, this is what starts a breakup. If you tell your S.O that you tell them what to do, you are so dumped. Dumped like a package of bricks on a third world orphan.

Enjoy that mental image.

Cee Lo Green wrote “Fuck You”, the best pop song and the best breakup song I’ve ever heard. And how could it fail to be awesome when it is based around the bluntest profanity in the English language? Oh, and it’s “Fuck You” not that neutered piece of crap that Glee made.

It’s “Fuck You”. Not “Forget You”. It’s Fuck. You.

And it also makes a great comeback to some of the other entries on this list.

“Hey, I just met you and this is cra-”

“Fuck you.”

“I abducted you so I tell you what-”

“Fuck you.”

Oh, and if you disagree with my choices, well then too bad.

And also fuck you.

A Review Of The Worst Hotel Ever

25 Jun

“I got a recommendation of this hotel from a red skinned man. You can find him by the screams of children coming from under his trench coat. He also smelled like eggs.

To find the hotel itself, I had to kill 13 virgins and soak myself in the sins of my ancestors. After that I had to skip across a volcano of bad erotic fan-fiction just to get to the lobby.

Not optimal.

The man working the front desk was 7 feet tall and when he opened his mouth, a hoard of cockroaches swarmed out. I would advise switching to a more hygienic insect, such as grasshoppers.

The T.V.s only play I Spit On Your Grave 24/7 and the elevator music plays Call Me Maybe all of the time. The floors turn to cheese as you walk, the air fresheners pump out manure. And not the fun kind. (Yes, there is a fun kind.)

Across the hall lives the Manson Family.

The pool is made out of raw sewage.

The after dinner mints are maggots.

You can never leave.

The wifi connection only lets you play Fred videos.

0 out of 10 stars.

Would not stay again.

Food was good, though.”