Archive | July, 2012

Paradox Nights

31 Jul

[Remember “Imagination Deviation”, in which I detailed an awesome sci-fi adventure? No? Well, you better use the search bar and find that again, because otherwise this’ll make no freaking sense. That’s right, here’s an excerpt from Paradox Nights, which I wrote due to the fact that I am great. I also have way too much spare time.]

The Oracle stood on a rainy street corner, tapping her foot on the ground to the beat of a song she couldn’t remember. The rain beat a steady pattern on her tunic, which did nothing for her memory.

“I say,” came a voice in her ear. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

This wasn’t a sign of Oracle’s insanity, but instead the ear piece she had stolen from Dragon Emperor Richard Nixon. The person on the other end was Ted, her confidante.

“No, I’m not, and you sure as hell aren’t helping.” she snapped back. Despite being a cybernetic hyper-velociraptor with a British accent, Ted wasn’t particularly vicious.

“No need to get snippy, love. I just don’t think you should-” Ted began.

“Hush. It’s time.” The Oracle strode confidently down the middle of the street. The weather was keeping drivers off the road, which is good when you’re trying to pull a heist. In fact, the only people in sight were Oracle, a Chinese street merchant selling oranges, and the target.

The target in question was a chariot driven by a Mr. Stanford and guest. They had enough money to make this all worth it, even if she got in trouble with the Velociraptor Cops. With their money, the Oracle could get more guns, info on the Jabberwocks, and, most importantly, clothing other than this fucking burlap sack.

Not that the sack was all bad. It pressed against her clothes in the rain, showing her body off quite nicely. She was relatively certain that they would stop for a girl like her.

Oh, and she has a gun. That’ll probably help too.

As she walked through the rain to the chariot, Ted continued to talk in her ear.

“Oh, yes. Hush me, because that is the best thing to do to your only ally, and DINOSAUR. No no, keep ignoring me. It’s not like I’m the guy who FOUND this bloody thing. I swear, you are just an ungrateful little-”

“Shut up. Now.” the Oracle drew her gun from her belt in a single fluid motion.

“Um. Are you talking to me?” asked the Chinese merchant.

“No. I’m talking to my dinosaur.”

“YOUR dinosaur?!” shrieked Ted in her ear.

“Oh. Why do you have a gun?” asked the merchant as he peered quizzically from under his silly hat.

“To rob that chariot and kill everybody inside.” she answered nonchalantly.

A moment passed.

“I probably shouldn’t stop you.”

“That would be lovely.” the Oracle said as she fired off three laser blasts.

Limericks… IN SPACE

30 Jul

There once was a fellow in space

Who grabbed a hedgehog in embrace

The hog popped his suit

To the sun he did shoot

It went nova and killed the whole race

The S-Men

29 Jul

Misfits is a show that probably didn’t make it far in to its pitch meeting.

The writer probably walked in, said the words “Teenagers with super powers, but-” and that’s all he could say before the laughter of investors drowned him out. And then they realize that he’s being serious. Then they break out the cricket bats.

(In my mind, all British people must carry cricket bats at all time. Americans must carry baseball bats, and Canadians have to carry hockey sticks. It makes world politics a lot more interesting.)

For those who don’t know, Misfits is a British T.V show about, in a startling departure from form, teenagers with super powers.

Shine on, you crazy diamonds.

Oh, but they’re British, so it’s okay.

The show is very good, and smart and dark and interesting and British but me being content about things isn’t very funny, so I’m going to look for more things to criticise. The characters are a good target, in the sense of a wooden duck painted with a bullseye.

Spoilers, by the way, as if you couldn’t freaking tell.

Interestingly enough, each of the characters can be described by a single characteristic starting with an S, with led to my incredibly funny and sexy title. Or maybe that’s only funny to my sleep deprived brain. Either or.

The characters are, in no particular order, Sassy, Sporty, Shy, Smart-ass and Slutty. The show involves the S-Men getting in trouble and being forced to do community service. But while they’re doing it, they get struck by lightning and gain super powers because apparently that’s how science work.

God was apparently watching that day, and decided “FUCK THOSE KIDS.” so everyone in the group gets a power directly linked to their personality. Don’t think about it, it doesn’t make any more sense in context.

Sassy has low self esteem, so she can read minds, which is to self esteem what pipe wrenches are to knees. Sporty regrets getting in trouble with the law, so he can moonwalk through time, and change the future. To make this fair, he can’t control it, which makes it the show’s equivalent of Ctrl-Z.

Shy just wants to be noticed, so God, giggling as he goes, makes him invisible. Oh, and he’s completely freaking psychotic. I’d spoil it if I said any more, but let’s just scream incoherently and leave it at that.

Smart-ass is, appropriately, a complete smart-ass. He cracks jokes, is completely crass, a vandal, occasionally violent and, naturally, is my favourite character. I’m fairly certain that he’s what I would be if I was there. And also British. His power is [CENSORED. WATCH THE SHOW TO FIND OUT.]

Slutty is given the power to make everybody who touches her turn into sex maniacs while they’re touching her, essentially turning her in to King Midas with a raging erection. My biggest problem with her is that, despite the fact that a single touch equals instant rape, SHE ALWAYS WEARS AS LITTLE CLOTHES AS POSSIBLE.

PUT ON A BLOODY SHIRT.

(Ooh, “bloody”! I’m really picking up on this whole British slang thing. Next thing you know, I’ll be calling somebody a tosser.)

The show revolves around their adventures as they do their community service, fight other people with powers, and hide the body of [CENSORED. WATCH THE SHOW. THE FIRST SEASON IS ON NETFLIX, SO YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE. SPEAKING OF WHICH, I ONLY SAW THE FIRST SEASON WHICH IS WHY I HAVEN’T MENTIONED ANYTHING ELSE.]

Apparently, the writer of the show Gossip Girls (which I haven’t seen but I know for a fact is awful.) is trying to write an American version of Misfits. 

Which raises several worrying points. Number one, why? They already have a British version, why the hell do you need an American one?

Number two, are you so out of ideas that you have to steal from a show that IS STILL BEING MADE?! That is as distasteful as you can be without actually screwing corpses.

Finally, are you going to keep it as raunchy as the British one? I mean, here’s a list of events from the first season:

Drugs. Molestation.  Stealing. Much sex. Vandalism. Fetishes.  Rape. Murder. Cliffhanger endings.

If they can make a version as good, interesting, dark and raunchy as the British version, I will tear out my own kneecaps, become a female gymnast, and win the 2012 Olympics. 

I IMMEDIATELY REGRET THIS.

What Does Your Childhood Hero Say About You?

28 Jul

Most people out there have had a childhood, with the possible exception of people like me who were born in clone tanks.

And if you had a childhood, odds are you had childhood heroes. You know, people you look up to. Not literally, otherwise everybody’s childhood hero would be be Giraffe Man, defender of the innocent.

And so, I have created a list, showing what you are if they were your heroes. This list is proven by the fact that it’s on the internet, and anything on the internet must be true.

Ahem.

Spongebob Squarepants: Wow, you are probably way too young to be reading this. I mean, half of these penis jokes will go straight over your head!

Superman: You are remarkably bland. I mean, if people were a pizza, you’d be plain cheese. (HINT: PLAIN CHEESE IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE TOPPING.)

Batman: While growing up, you had no money. To compensate, you dreamt about getting rich and using your money to hit criminals in the dick.

Probably with this.

Darth Vader: You have an extremely specific fetish involving amputees, erotic asphyxiation and capes.

Scrappy Doo: You are clearly psychotic. NOBODY looks at “Scooby Doo” and thinks to themselves “Man, I want to be more like Scrappy!”. I refuse to believe anybody this mind bogglingly insane exists.

Master Chief: Get the fuck out.

Boba Fett: You have good taste in “Star Wars” side characters.

Jar Jar Binks: You have awful taste in “Star Wars” side characters.

Luigi: Lemme guess: you have the horrible sickness known locally as “an older sibling”.

Gandalf: I refuse to say anything about this, because Lord Of The Rings fan-boys are vicious. I once insulted Aragorn, and I woke up 3 hours later, completely naked and tied to a rampaging war-mammoth.

The Doctor: If the Doctor is your childhood hero, then congratulations! You are somehow secretly me.

Let’s Play Slender!

27 Jul

Remember a while back, when I reviewed Slender, a horror game?

Well, you better go read up on that, because…

(pause for dramatic effect)

We made a “Let’s Play”! Woot!

For those who don’t know, a Let’s Play is when you record yourself playing a game while talking about it. And, given that it’s me, I love this idea. Let’s face it,  making bad jokes and playing video games is all I know how to do.

So, without further ado, our Let’s Play!

Oh, one more thing: If you like this, even a tiny bit, please tell us! We’d like to know whether or not to make more.

We have no shame.

10 Universal Truths

26 Jul

10: Cats will always want to be in a different room than the one that they’re in.

9: Ice machines give you at least 3 more ice cubes than you want.

8: There is no work of fiction that cannot be improved by adding Richard Nixon with a ray gun.

7: In almost every regard, a lifetime supply of cheese is greater than true love.

Try to deny it. You can’t.

6: It is physically impossible for me to give less of a fuck.

5: The path to enlightenment is paved with Yu Gi Oh cards.

4: In literary circles, all conflicts are solved the gentlemanly way; a bare knuckle cage match.

3: The universe ends not with a whimper or a bang, but with a bitchin’ guitar solo.

2: The internet is powered by the soul of Nikola Tesla, who, everyday, curses the voodoo powers of Thomas Edison.

1: Immortality will be achieved, not by divine intervention, but by copious amounts of cocaine.

I will never get tired of using this image.

Slender? I Just Met Her!

25 Jul

I’m attempting to use this clever title to cover the fact that this game terrifies me. Is it working? I don’t think it’s working.

For those who don’t know, the Slender Man is a ghostly mythological being, with mad stretching powers. They’re known for kidnapping children and hanging around dark forests because they wanted to hit all of the scary bases, apparently.

This is either a Slender Man, or Mister Fantastic after he stopped giving a shit.

People decided these preternaturally tall, suited, pale monstrosities would make for a good horror game, and they are fucking right.

Slender, a free online game by Parsec Productions, is about hunting 8 manuscript pages through a dark forest while being hunted by the Slender Men. I could talk about it more, or I could detail my first experience with it. And I’ll go with the one that involves less thought.

I really don’t have much of a work ethic, do I?

I started the game up, after switching all the graphics to zero, of course, because my computer has computing power the Wii would pity. And we all know, Nintendo has no pity. Only contempt.

As the game boots up with ambient forest noises, I look around with my flash-light. It turns out that whoever designed this flash-light thought it would only be used to examine the inside of a broom cupboard, so it stops short of actually showing you a fucking thing.

I spent 10 minutes walking around, whirling around in circles trying to find one of these spindly fuckers, and didn’t see a bloody thing. I would say it was boring, but the excellent ambient sound kept me on my incredibly sexy toes. Which is no small feat, let me say.

The flash-light has only contempt for your desire to look at stuff, but it’s great at making normal trees look like a Slender Man with a raging erection. Which is pretty damn worrisome. (For more reasons than the Freudian implications.)

Finally, after 12 minutes of wandering, I found a tree that looked different from all the others (and trust me, I saw a lot of god-damn trees) so I walked up and here is the transcription of my thoughts from that moment on:

“Huh. Cool tree. I wonder if there are any- WHAT THE FUCKBALLS IS THAT?! Is that a Slender Man? Oh god, I’m taking damage, runrunrunrunrun. Am I safe? AHHHH IT GOT CLOSER MORE RUNNING! Okay, I just have to turn around and- OH GOD IT’S HERE HOLY FUUUUUUUUUU-”

That’s when the Slender Man ate my face off, and sent me in to screaming hysterics. (Sorry, Mom, I didn’t mean to scream so loud.)

After 5 minutes, a new pair of pants and a soothing glass of peach juice, I opened Slender again to give it another shot. And when I saw “shot”, I mean execution style, motherfuckers.

Now, here’s what I’ve learned so far: the Slender Men can’t seem to move whenever you’re looking at them. So, if you’re a Doctor Who fan (I’m talking to you, Porn Girl) then get this game, because this is as close as you’ll get to fighting the Weeping Angels. Or rather, running from the Weeping Angels.

They can kill you by being close to you, so you have to run, but to run, you have to look away, so it gets very intense, very fast. Kind of like… okay, I can’t think of a good simile. Just make up your own, and sent it in.

So now we reach the inevitable part of this where I must tell you whether I recommend this game or not. To this ever important question, I say definitely if you’re a horror fan, and if you’re a Doctor Who fan, give it a once over for Angel training. After all, you’ve got an awful lot of running to do.

It’s nice that it’s good, because if it wasn’t, I’d have to put it in a box and mark it return to Slender. 

I am absolutely shameless.