Freshly Riffed 2: Electric Boogaloo

19 Aug

Welcome to the second outing of “Freshly Riffed”, in which we make fun of people for no good reason. What fun!

For those not in the know, WordPress (the people that enable my site) has something called Freshly Pressed (it spotlights certain blog posts of people) so they get more traffic to their site (if you don’t know what that is, get the fuck out).

And then I make fun of the titles, because I’m a heartless bastard like that. Seriously, it’s a medical condition and everything.

Ahem.

Five Mind-Blowing Secrets Of Outer Space: I thought only Sally the psychic sex worker could blow minds.

For 10 bucks, she’ll bend your spoon. For 20, she’ll rub your crystal balls. For 30, she’ll tell your future. WITH HER VAGINA.

Death And Lemons: In the words of Emily Dickinson, “Because I could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me. And then I sprayed lemon juice in that motherfucker’s eyes.”

It’s possible I’m remembering that poem wrong.

To My Teenage Self: “Dear teenage self, how are you RUN YOU FOOL IT’S A BOMB OH GOD.”

I Hid From Twitter To Save My Reality: Yeah, it turns out that Twitter is actually run by Daleks.

SHARE ALL YOUR INFO TO DAVROS. EXTERMINATE YOUR SENSE OF SHAME.

Why Funding NASA Is So Important: “Give us one fundraiser every half hour, or we… WILL DESTROY THE MOON! MWA HAH HAH HAH!”

The Bane Of A Travelling Companion:  You know, as opposed to the stationary companion.

Love Is (Probably) Not A Board Game: Oh, that explains why no strippers will accept Monopoly money.

How To Climb A Mountain: “Step One: find a mountain. Step Two: climb it. Step Three: repeat.”

Fill In The Blank: Facebook And Pinterest Makes Me Feel _________: What? What do they make you feel? Happy? Sad? Teenage girls on subway trains? What does it make you feel?!

SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Swimming In Human Infested Waters: “Aw, hell. We got humans in the pool. Martha? Get the shotgun.”

The Delight Of Hand Writing: Hand writing counts as a delight? Huh. I guess that explains why my friends started orgasming wildly when I brought out the ink quills.

What Helps You Write?: 16 kilos of uncut cocaine, a pitcher of Jack Daniels, the blood of a high-born virgin, and a lollipop.

Why So Siri-ous?: “You wanna know how I got this phone? My father was salesmen… and a fiend. One night, he goes off sales-ier then usual. Mommy gets an Android to defend herself. He doesn’t like that. Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he gives a phone to her, laughing while he does it. He turns to me and says, “Why so Siri-ous?”. Comes at me with a phone. “WHY SO SIRI-OUS?”  He sticks a phone in my pocket… “Let’s put a phone bill in that bank.”  And…

Why so Siri-ous?

Yup. The Joker= cell phone salesmen. You heard it here first, people.

I Wanna Be Legally Permitted To Club My Husband Whenever We Don’t Agree: Yay, domestic abuse!

The Agony Of Empathy: Oh god I actually care for people ahhhhhh.”

Don’t Write That!!!!!: Fuck, the internet got sentient again. Martha, get me the shotgun.

Weddings Are Hilarious: “What’s that, Todd? You’re getting married? Hah hah! As if you’d ever get a girl.”

The Agony Of DeFeet: GOD DAMMIT TITLE PUNS ARE MY JOB FUCK YOU.

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