Archive | September, 2012

The Spy Who Quizzed Me

30 Sep

Time to venture back in to the horrible vacuum of morons and sex known as… high school!

Oh, I’m sorry, I meant Omegle.

But this time, I have a twist! See, Omegle has a function, called spy mode, that allows you to ask a question and watch two morons answer. And today, I’ll be one of the morons!

Wait, that came out wrong.

Ahem.

Why are you answering these questions? What’s in it for you?: Geez, one question in and we’ve already gone meta. This does not bode well.

weirdest rule 34 you’ve seen. rule 34: if it exists. there’s porn of it: Once, somebody sent me a 20 page erotic adventure staring me. THAT was a weird day.

If I were to invade your FILTHY planet right now, what would you do to stop me?: Well, we could dance if want to. We could leave our friends behind. Cause our friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance, well they’re no friends of mine.

Damn, I like that song.

If 4 toothpick giraffes and 32 blue-light squared equals banana-apples, then explain why elephants equal potato: This is truly the greatest question of our generation.

y do dese niqqaz b trippin omizzle?: I… I honestly have no idea what this says. I think it’s racist, but I’m not sure. Then again, with Omegle, it’s probably best to assume “hate crime”.

are there any pretty girls?: No, all pretty girls were exterminated in the Pretty Girl Wars of 1902.

16 year old boy that loves older women, 30+, late 30’s are the best, add me on Kik looking to meet up: I am honestly surprised that it took me this long to get to porn.

 I still got tons of energy from all the vitamins. V-V-VITAMINS. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo. Discuss…: Discuss what? Your imminent insanity?

Did you know that Jesus died for you?: Yes, because I killed him. I shot him straight through the heart, and you’re to blame. YOU GIVE GOD A BAD NAME.

Freshly Riffed 4: The Revenge

29 Sep

Ooh, haven’t done one of these for a while. Welcome to Freshly Riffed, in which I take the titles of Freshly Pressed blog posts, and make fun of them. Why? Because I was really happy last night, so now I have to be an asshole to even the score.

Ahem.

What Makes A Post Freshly Pressable: Bacon In A Toaster: Does ham in a space heater count?

What’s In A Name?: Letters, mostly.

BUH DUM TSH.

Andy Murray Breaks Through: OH GOD ANDY MURRAY HAS BREACHED THE PERIMETER.

RUN.

If You Aren’t Registered To Vote, Quit Reading My Blog And Register: Crap, the internet has become sentient again. And it has political leanings. Damn it!

Oh, Please Do Tell Me About What You’re Not Selling: This title is dripping with so much sarcasm, I’m gonna need a mop.

Did You Know? Did You Know? Did You Know?: This one has apparently developed Torgo Syndrome.

UYUNI – Bolivia’s Train Cemetery: Ah, train cemeteries. Home of Thomas, the train zombie.

Underground Guerilla Signs: Signs, huh? If it turns out that the underground guerilla are aliens who are allergic to water, we are leaving.

HAH HAH SHYAMALAN JOKE HAH.

Stop Sausaging Around: Aw, but my sausage is my best feature!

You should probably forget I said that.

Update Reality: We probably should, right now reality is running on Windows Vista.

The Andromeda Galaxy keeps flickering, and the sky turned bright pink.

United Airlines Killed Our Golden Retriever, Bea: Must… not… make… 9/11 joke… about planes… hitting dogs… it’s… in poor taste!

Daily Post Challenge: Telepathy Not Required: But it is recommended.

Redefining “Alive”: I’m guessing the new definition has something to do with “not being dead”. Just guessing.

The Evolution Of A Friend: This only works if your friend also happens to be a Pokemon.

Are Happy Online Personas A Lie Or A Matter Of Protocol?: Yes, because if there is any word people would use to describe me, it’s “happy”.

You know, after “sexy”, “asshole”, and “why is everything on fire?!”.

Sandwich Makes The World Go Round

28 Sep

Subway is a bastion for people who want sandwiches but who are too lazy to actually make some. Also, because they enjoy having mustard on literally everything.

I do not envy the Subway servers. They have an awful job, and I could never do it. If I tried, I’d get distracted by all the mentions of mayonnaise and foot-longs and I’d just start pelvic thrusting everyone until they told me to leave.

I’m not even sure how they manage to hear the customers, between the fans and the chatter and the ovens, it must sound to them like they’re serving the fucking Daleks.

Ooh, that’s a scary thought: Daleks at Subway.

“Hello sir, what can I get for you?”

“DAVROS DEMANDS A MEATBALL SUB.”

“And would you like that toasted or raw?”

“RAW? RAW?! DALEKS DO NOT KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD RAW.”

“With Monterey Jack or Cheddar?”

“CHEDDAR IS THE SUPERIOR CHEESE. AND DALEKS EAT ONLY THE FINEST OF CHEESES.”

“Mustard or Mayo?”

“MAYO.”

“Alright, here you go.”

“THIS ISN’T MAYO. THIS IS MUSTARD. EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE!

ARE THERE BANANA PEPPERS IN THIS? I CAN’T EAT BANANA PEPPERS. ALSO, EXTERMINATE.

Then again, I don’t exactly envy the customers. Between the radio and the oven, it sounds the server has been replaced by a race of super intelligent bee people, who always puts mustard on fucking everything!

Deke Loses All Meaning

27 Sep

Deke. Deke. Deeeeeeeeke, that really is a word that sounds dumber the more you say it.

Deke. DEKE. For those curious, it’s pronounced like “deek”. For those curious what it MEANS, that requires a bit of explanation. And by “a bit”, I mean none.

See, my gym teacher was the one who used this word. She is also the one to stare blankly when I asked “The fuck is that?”. Apparently it involves feet and shuffling. Which means that, according to that definition, this is dekeing:

Yeah, I doubt it.

What is one supposed to think when they hear “deke”? It sounds like some bizarre combination of the Deku Tree and some guy named Zeke.

I gotta admit, the resemblance is striking.

Maybe it’s actually a racial slur, or an engine part. “Damn, look at that deke! Having more melatonin than me. The bastard! Now, hand me a deke. This engine is acting up again.”

Ooh, perhaps it’s a drug! “Man, want some sweet deke? We got, like, 6 kilos of the stuff. You can take it… rectally? Um. Snort it? Man, we really ought to figure out how to actually use this stuff.”

A type of snake, perhaps? “Dekes. Why did it have to be dekes?”

A fetish? “Don’t hang out with that guy. He’s a deke. I hear he does it with a trombone.”

Weapon? “Everybody, give me your money!! I have a deke, fully loaded and coated in fish oil.”

Actually, I think I’m going to rename this site: “A Very Strange Deke”. My new motto will be “We deke to be interesting”.

Brighter Future Part 6

26 Sep

HOLY FUCK. I have officially (bar a couple hours of editing) finished “Brighter Future”,  the comedy sci-fi about the apocalypse! Because if there’s anything that makes you think “comedy”, it’s “the apocalypse”.

Now, this is kind of a big deal for me. This is the first big story, with characters and plots and foreshadowing and such, that I have ever finished.

EVER.

So, without further ado, please read this! You may have to traipse through the archives to find the rest of this, but still. This has an epic battle, jokes, and there may or may not be sex at the end!

Ahem.

4 Billy’s and 2 Sally’s rushed us, all with blank, white eyes and vacant expressions. I took 3 steps back, purely in reflex, and tripped over my own coat.

Yeah, I’m not exactly graceful.

Jane, however, is.

She smashed one pistol in the face of a Billy before grabbing me by the scruff of my neck and dragging me away.

I held the matrix close as I watched her fight. She fired in the face of another Billy and slammed her foot in the gut of a Sally. The two other Billy’s jumped on her back, piling on top of her.

I got up, struggling under the weight of the matrix, and swung my foot at the mass. I clipped a Billy, and it fell to the ground. Jane tossed the other in to the Sally, blasting them apart with her guns. She turned to the Billy I hit, blasting him as well, then started capping the downed clones.

“Oh my god. You just killed them all. You are so hot right now.” I said in wonder.

“I get that a lot.” she smirked.

“Hurry up, there are more coming!” yelled 16. “The matrix is calling them to defend it.”

We started down the hallway. Every time we came across a clone, Jane fired, killing them immediately. If we didn’t have time, she simply smashed her body weight in to them, knocking them down. And I tried ever so hard not to make a fat joke.

We reached a crossroad.

“Which way?” I groaned in frustration. “This place is like a maze, inside of a smaller maze.”

The path to the left suddenly filled with Legionaries, screaming in anger.

“Not that way.” suggested Jane.

“God dammit!” I yelled, as we ran down the right path. “Somebody must have opened the door and let them in.”

“You think?!” snapped Jane.

We emerged in to a dining hall, filled with staring clones. 2 tables ran through the hall, covered in food and other delicious things. Jane immediately leapt up to the left table, and me on the right.

They reached up, grabbing my legs and tripping me.

“Fuuuuuuuck!” I screamed as I fell. The matrix fell out of my hand, sliding across the long table and resting at the end.

“Did you just drop it?!” Jane yelled at me, firing down at the clones.

“Maybe!” I struggled against the clones as they picked up the matrix and slowly started leading it back down the table.

I grabbed a knife from the table, slashing at the arms entangling me.

The flesh cut like butter.

“There’s something wrong!” I pulled myself up, sliding easily from the now slippery hands. “They’re melting!”

“Why is that a problem?!” Jane leapt away from her hoard, dashing to the end of the table.

I turned to the matrix just it time to see the matrix slip from the clone’s hands and shatter to the floor.

Suddenly, all the clones melted. Completely. Filling the entire hall with a foot of liquid flesh.

“That. Was. Completely unexpected.” said Jane as she started to reload her gun. “Aw, my other gun melted. So did my second grenade belt! This sucks.”

The intercom on the wall suddenly squawked. “What just happened? I feel… weird.”

“They broke the matrix. And then… well… everything melted.” I provided lamely.

“How did I survive?” 16 asked through the intercom.

“Well,” I supplied. “You could think for yourself, so maybe you have the power to sustain your self. That would be pretty cool.”

“Yeah, it would be- ARRGHGH!” 16 screamed.

“The goo is moving.” said Jane urgently.

I can feel it, it’s not dead. GET OUT.” 16 shrieked.

I looked down at the puddle. It began to fold in to itself, forming a pile.

An eyeball floated to the top.

“This is bad. This is very, very bad.” I murmured.

THIEF.” the goo rumbled. “You are my thief.”

Jane didn’t even say a word. We immediately knew to run. We sprinted down the corridor, our feet sticking in the flesh with every step.

Behind us, a wave of flesh flowed after us, coming closer and closer.

We turned again and again. We passed rooms and rooms, and vents and paths.

Thief. You are slowing. And I am not.” the goo observed. We didn’t answer. We just ran.

Suddenly, we were in the chamber were we entered. We ran out the door in to the mine tunnels, with the flesh right on our tails. Jane hit the button, and the door closed.

We stood for a moment, taking deep breaths.

“Well.” I said. “That could have gone better.”

“Do you think this’ll stop the Fleshbeast?” Jane asked.

“Is that what you’ve named it?”

“Yeah, just now. It’s pretty good, don’t cha’ think?”

“Totally.”

The door suddenly buckled under the pressure of the Fleshbeast.

“Oh, fuck.” sighed Jane. “Guess Ms. Wannajumpyourbones didn’t freeze.”

“Why do you call her that? I thought that was your job.”

“It is now, babe.”

The door buckled again.

“Running time?” I suggested.

“Sure!” We turned, and started sprinting up, the way we came. Halfway to the top, we heard the door smash down, and the Fleshbeast escape.

We emerged in to the sunlight, and was greeted by a flurry of bullets.

“HOLD YOUR FIRE!” yelled the Sargent.

“Sargent! I’m glad you and your fancy hat are here, we need you guys.” Me and Jane ran from the cave entrance, to behind the line of soldiers.

“What happened down there?” he asked.

“Violence, mostly. There’s a giant Fleshbeast coming up, get ready to shoot it.” I grabbed Jane and dragged her behind a shack, pressing her against the wall.

“Ooh, baby. I’m all for ‘end of the world sex’, but shouldn’t we wait a bit?” she purred.

“Oh, shut up.” I pulled her pistol out of her belt let her go.

“That’s mine! Gimme!” she reached for it.

“I have a plan! Or, at least, I think I do.” I stood for a moment, thinking.

Flesh monster, attacking. Gun probably won’t work. Harsh words wouldn’t help. It’s human flesh? Yes. Human. Human. Human.

“Human!” I shouted in triumph. “Distract the Fleshbeast when it comes up, I have a plan.”

“How? Womanly wiles don’t work on giant monsters.” She yelled after me as I ran.

I ran through Quarry, passing startled and confused Golems. I made it to the gate, and hammered on it.

It slid open, revealing Sol looking disapprovingly at me.

“What.” she said bluntly.

“Jesus, you’re cheery.” I muttered. “I need a Packling, we have to stop the apocalypse again.”

She sighed. “It’s sundown.” She turned around.

A second passed. Suddenly, gun fire and screaming sounded from the cave.

“Um. Can you help? At all? Or even just pretend to care?”

A Packling leapt through the air, meeting her fist. It’s jaw cracked, and it fell to the ground. Sol leaned down, picked it up with one hand, and handed it to me.

“Here you go.”

“Thanks. Remind me to never get in an arm wrestling contest with you.”

I hefted the beast back to the cave, praying that things were going well.

They weren’t.

The Fleshbeast overwhelmed the soldiers, holding them above, crushing them. Bullets pelted it, sinking in the mass. Civilians ran, screaming, as it expanded.

I started gazing around, looking for Jane. Hey, when you meet a girl who can kick as much ass as she can, it’s good to keep an eye on her. I finally spotted her, leading people away.

Good. I need some space for this.

THIEF. Where is my thief?!” rumbled the Fleshbeast. It was 2 stories tall, a massive throbbing monument of horror. Tentacles sprouted from it at the top, each one holding a different soldier.

“Here, jackass.” I called out, as I started walk towards it. “Every back away, we need to have a little chat.”

The Fleshbeast started rumbling softly as I walked through the clearing.

“Are… are you laughing at me?!” I gasped. “Gosh, I am just so upset. How ever will I deal with this?”

“Honey, stop taunting the monstrosity.” called Jane from the edge of the clearing.

A tentacle pulled away from the centre mass, with an eye on the end.

Thief. I will end you.” it rumbled. “What are you holding?

I smiled. “Oh, this? Nothing. See, there’s something me and you have in common.”

What?

“We both cheat. Catch!” I tossed the Packling through the air, and it smashed in to the thick pillar of flesh. In panic, it spun around and bit in to the Fleshbeast.

A tentacle smacked the Packling, launching it in to the air and over the wall.

What, exactly, was that supposed to accomplish?” it questioned.

“This.” Suddenly, the beast screamed. The tentacles holding the soldiers and civilians snapped, and they fell to the ground, landing on a soft blanket of flesh.

“See,” I continued. “There’s a thing about Packlings. Apparently, they’re infectious. I dunno, it sounds silly to me, but I wonder: what’ll happen if a coalition of thousands of clones get bitten? Should be fun.”

“Are you sure that’ll work?” asked Jane. Suddenly, she was right next to me.

“No. At this point, I’m just making science up.”

ARGGHHH! THIEF! HELP ME!” the Fleshbeast screamed, as it began to contract, and bend, and squish. Like a ball of putty, it started to roll in to a ball. Much of the beast was still in the tunnel, and it started rolling up in to a ball.

Finally, it stopped bending and folding, and started shifting it self.

Head.

Skin.

Pelt.

Legs.

Tail.

Teeth.

Finally, a full Packling.

It stopped moving, and just sat there. Confused. And scared.

“Hey, what was that you said? ‘Help me’?” I asked it, as I pulled out my bat.

“How about ‘no’?” I swung, connecting with it’s head with a solid thump.

It fell down and started twitching. Finally, it stopped. Dead.

I turned around, facing the collective Golems, including Colin, who was staring at me in fear.

“Well.” I called out. “We killed 2000 clones plus one giant clone. We stopped the second apocalypse. How’s that for our first job?”

Colin stepped forward.

“You’re fired.”

2 hours later, we were still walking. Apparently, being an elder in Quarry gives Colin the power to exile people at the drop of a hat. Ignoring the fact that we just saved the entire fucking town, he didn’t care. Stupid old man.

We got 2 suitcases, one of Jane’s stuff, and one of survival gear. We were given an air freshener that apparently was filled with “Packling repellent”. Jane told me it was incredibly rare, so we were lucky. You know, other then the whole “getting exiled” thing.

Finally, we had enough. We stopped walking, set up the tent, and hung the Packling repellent outside. We were almost out of their territory, but they could still kill us at any time if we didn’t have it.

Pleasant thought.

“Move over.” grumbled Jane. “We only have one bedspread, and I am so not sleeping on the ground.

I obliged. She pressed against me, causing my brain to short circuit. Hey, I’m a guy. It happens.

“What do you wanna do?” she whispered.

I thought for a moment.

“Well, this land seems pretty crazy. I think we should go adventuring, save people, stop evil, that sort of thing. What do you think?”

“You aren’t curious about your past? I mean, you did have amnesia. It could be interesting.”

“Nah, maybe I’ll do it later. But it sounds kind of boring to me.”

“I think that’s a great idea. But I was thinking of what we could do… tonight.”

I smiled. “What do you think?”

“Well, I was thinking cuddling. Followed by sex.”

I pretending to think about it for a moment. “I have no problem with that.”

“Excellent.” Jane purred as she switched off the lamp.

Such A Beautiful Voice

25 Sep

Ladies, gentlemen, and people in between, I present to you the best thing I have ever found: the Slender Man singing “Never Gonna Give You Up”.

It’s… it’s so beautiful.

No words. Should have sent a poet.

Brighter Future Part 5

24 Sep

Hey, look. Guess you thought I was done writing this sci-fi humour series about the apocalypse.

Nope! It’s been a while, so check here for an update on what’s going on. Enjoy!

Ahem.

16 pulled us up and out in to the control room. “Remember my whole ‘not going to kill all the clones’ thing? I changed my mind.”

“Well.” I said. “Any particular reason? Or do you just feel like murdering people?”

“The cloning matrix is evil. I can feel it… in my head. It wants to spread out, using us. I don’t like that.”

Jane sat down on a chair, moving her legs apart. “I thought I was the only one who wanted to spread out.”

We stared at her.

“Is she always this filthy?” asked 16.

“Apparently.”

“Anyway,” 16 continued. “That’s why the clones have been coming out dumber and dumber, and why we keep getting more abominations. They must be easier to control.”

I started rubbing my temples, thinking about what was going on. Well, mostly I was thinking about how I have the worst luck ever. I get amnesia, then I immediately get embroiled in a world ending conflict. Jeez, that is some bad fucking luck.

“Lemme see if I got this straight.” I moaned. “The matrix made clones until the White Light made it evil and now it wants to take over the world? With clones?”

“Well, when you put it that way, it sounds incredibly fucking stupid.” remarked Jane. “Wait a second, what about all those corpses?”

“Oh right, those.” I snapped my fingers.

16 stared at us. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“By the front door, there’s a lot of clone corpses. Were they evil? Stupid? Some bizarre combination of those two things?” said Jane as she lounged in her chair.

16 sighed. “We ran out of space. This lab was never meant to hold this many people, so we had to dispose of them.”

“Oh.” I frowned. “That’s… actually pretty evil.”

“Look, I want to kill the stupid matrix, is that enough karmic retribution for you?” she snapped.

“Maybe. Dance around a little, then maybe I’ll give you resolution.” Jane laughed.

“Oh, shut up.” 16 walked a console and started rapidly tapping buttons. “This lab is badly designed, I can completely destroy this place in about six different ways without trying.”

“Please choose the one that has the least explosions, there are people living above you.” requested Jane, raising a single eyebrow.

“Fine, I’ll flash freeze this place. You guys need to get out, lead the clones to the door and lock it from the outside. I’ll handle the rest.” 16 continued to tap on the keyboard.

“How will we make sure they follow us? Ring a dinner bell?” I quipped.

16 frowned for a moment, then walked in to the cloning pod. She emerged, a couple of seconds later, holding the matrix.

“Here you go. Don’t drop it.”

It was a large, thick cylinder, capped with metal on the bottom. It was peach, and seemed to pulse like a heart.

I picked it up, and felt the same rush of sensation I had before. This time, however, I held on, and it subsided. I stood there, staring at it, and then I sighed.

“What’s the matter?” Jane inquired.

“It seems a little anticlimactic that my first enemy is a glob of flesh in a tank that can’t even talk or fight back.” I sighed again. “It feels like I’m cheating.”

“Well, don’t worry. Maybe next time we’ll fight a giant squid or something.” Jane patted me on the back.

We walked to the door.

“Now, remember,” said 16 from back at the computer console. “You’ll have to kill everything in your way while carrying the matrix.”

“How? I only have one gun- ooh!” Jane gasped and ran in to the pod. She emerged with another gun and a belt of grenades.

“Clone gun! And, also, more grenades!”

“Don’t you think you have enough grenades?”

“Philistine.”

16 clapped her hands. “Oi! Let’s get a move on. I’ll see you later, Omega Man.”

“Oh, come on! That’s an awful nickname.”

“What would you prefer?”

“I dunno. Captain Tomorrow? Master Flesh? Rising Nightmare?”

“How about The End Man?” piped in Jane.

“Ooh, I like that!” I said.

“What could my nickname be? Something sexy, I hope.” Jane looked at 16 expectedly.

“Hmm. How about The Gem?” suggested 16.

“Cool.”

“Look,” I snapped. “Could we stop our witty banter and continue saving the world?”

“Oh, right.” Jane laughed.

“Goodbye, End Man and The Gem.” 16 clicked a button, and the door slid open.

And the monsters swarmed in.