Archive | October, 2012

HALLOWEEN, MOTHERF**KERS

31 Oct

Today is… no, you know what? I don’t need to explain anything else. That title says it all.

IT’S HALLOWEEN, MOTHERFUCKERS. TIME FOR MY DAY OFF.

BECAUSE FUCK YOU, RESPONSIBILITIES.

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Hurricane Sandy Is The Worst Storm (Name) Ever!

30 Oct

One of the strange facts of this world that I have yet to understand is that once somebody dies, suddenly jokes are “in bad taste” and I’m “going to hell” and “who the fuck do you think you are?” and silly things like that! You’d almost think this was a TRAGEDY or something!

The only way to avoid the stigma of making jokes about a horrible event that traumatizes everyone involved is to post modernly draw attention to this fact at the beginning of your post. This will allow you to show sympathy while still being an emotionally dead-inside bastard of a human being. Everybody wins!

Well, other than the dead people, obviously. They kind of lose.

Sorry, dead people.

Moving on, who the fuck named this calamity “Hurricane Sandy”?! I’m sorry, but it’s kind of hard to be terrified of a storm that I could confuse for a Spongebob character!

We need a nice, pithy name to associate with this senseless loss of human life… ooh, maybe “Hurricane Jack“! That’s a nice, solid name. But it would probably be confusing for all the Jacks in the world.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Jack.”

“Wow! Are you that storm?”

“Yes. I am a giant weather formation.”

“Really?”

“NO OF COURSE I’M FUCKING NOT.”

“But I can see how you might be confused.”

Maybe “Hurricane Destroyer“? No, it’s a little too on the nose. By the way, if you do get a hurricane on your nose, call a doctor. That’s… that’s not normal.

Hurricane Judas“! I think that’s from the bible. Maybe it’s the name of a goat or something, I don’t know.

Hurricane Stigmata“! Okay, that’s a little too biblical…

Hurricane Hail Satan“! You know what, shut up, shut the fuck up.

Hurricane Laser“! Close, but it’s not personal enough. Plus, I checked the rule book, and hurricanes get banned for a week if they use lasers.

Ooh, I know!

Hurricane Shoot-You-In-The-Face“! There we go, it’s intimidating, personal, and it rolls of your tongue. It’s flawless! Like a diamond! A hurricane of diamonds actually wow that sounds horrible.

My deepest sympathies go out to all those hurt or disturbed in Hurricane Shoot-You-In-The-Face, and I hope it does not, in fact, shoot you in the face.

This Is AVSP!

29 Oct

Boys and girls of every age (Preferably over 18 so I can make filthier jokes.)
Would you like to see something strange? (If not, take a look at the damn site title. What did you expect?!)

Come with me and you will see
This, my site of AVSP

This is AVSP, this is AVSP
Routers scream in the dead of night

This is AVSP, everybody make a scene
Laugh and swear, gonna keep the neighbours up all night
It’s our site, everybody scream! (For no real reason.)
In this site of AVSP

I am the one hiding under your bed
Laptop’s out and my charger’s growing red (Hey, sometimes I write better under beds!)

I am the one hiding under your stairs
Sleeping in a pile with oil in my hair (The bugs under your bed kicked me out. And they won’t even let me use their shower! Oh, and you have bugs under your bed. FYI.)

This is AVSP, this is AVSP!
AVSP! AVSP! AVSP! AVSP!
In this site we call home
Everyone hail to this silly song

In this site, don’t we love it now?
Everybody’s waiting for the dick joke now

Round that corner, I’m hiding in the trash can (It gets pretty boring hiding under your stairs.)
Something’s waiting now to pounce, and how you’ll… (Wait for it…)

Scream! This is AVSP
White ‘n’ black with purple sheen

Aren’t you drunk?
Well, have some wine (I got to make you people happy SOMEHOW.)

Say it once, say it twice (Wait, what does that even mean?)
Take a chance and roll the dice (I can’t parody a line if I can’t tell what it means!)
Ride with the moon in the dead of night (START MAKING SENSE AGAIN)

Everybody laugh, everybody laugh

In our town of AVSP!

I am the clown with absolutely no shame
Here in a flash then I make a joke that’s lame!

I am the “who” when you call, “Doctor Who?”
I am the wind blowing through your… shoe (Dammit, rhyming is hard!)

I am the person on your tabs, at last!
Filling your dreams to the brim with laughs

This is AVSP, this is AVSP
AVSP! AVSP! AVSP! AVSP!
AVSP! AVSP!

Tender people everywhere
Life’s no fun without a good swear

That’s my job, but I’m not mean (Yes. Yes I am.)
In my site of AVSP

In this site

Don’t we love it now?

Everybody’s waiting for the next surprise!
A Very Strange Me might catch you in the back
And swear like a sailour
Make you jump out of your skin
This is AVSP, everybody laugh!
Won’t ya please make way for a very strange guy?

Our man (Me) is King of the Purple patch
Everyone hail to the Purple King, now!

This is AVSP, this is AVSP
AVSP! AVSP! AVSP! AVSP!

Did I mention I have way too much spare time?

Spectral Spectating

28 Oct

I spent 2 hours trying to come up with another ghost title, and I don’t regret it at all.

As previously noted, I am an advocate for ghosts and all ghost related situations. So it’s only natural that I enjoy another fine entry in the “stupid people scaring themselves” genre, Ghost Adventures.

(Yes, I start singing the “Adventure Time” theme song every time I read that title. I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong with me.)

Ghost Adventure time! Come on, grab your ghost, we’ll go to very distant coasts…

The premise is simple: 3 paranormal investigators go to a haunted house, ask questions about the house, then spent a night locked in with no way out. They pass the time recording everything and taunting the ghosts because fuck you, ghosts.

The three American ghost-fuckers (dibs on the band name!) are named Zak, Nick and Aaron. Aaron deserves special mention, as he is the one they always send to the scariest freaking locations. Maybe his beard keeps insulting people, I dunno.

“What’s that? There’s an underground pit that used to be filled with dying slaves? Better lock Aaron down there.”

“Seriously, fuck you guys.”

Nick is completely bland, and I don’t particularly feel like writing about him any more. He is just…. so bland. It’s depressing.

Zak, on the other hand, is mostly silly, dresses in stupid clothes, and occasionally gets unnaturally angry at the ghosts because fuck you, ghosts. Watch this opening, Zak is the one screaming at the others to “STOP RUNNING.” You know, while he’s ALSO running.

But a ghost show has to have ghosts, otherwise it’s just a bunch a people walking around in the dark and bumping in to things and it retrospect I would totally watch that!

To this shows credit, the ghosts are always pretty lively (BUH DUM TSH) and you can generally count on them to do cool things. In the opening up there, you might have noticed one of them with claw marks down his back. Yeah, apparently a “demon” mistook him for a scratching post. Which is better than mistaking him for a litter box, I suppose.

(After they got out of that house, by the way, they went to talk to a Demonoligist who said that “three scratches down your back clearly signifies the Trinity.” He then went on to say “disturbing these entities are dangerous”. OH GEE. I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED. I THOUGHT MY SPINAL LACERATIONS WERE JUST A TEMPORARY TATTOO.)

The team has a collection of gadgets, such as cameras, recorders, heat vision cameras, and the Ovilus, which deserves special mention because of how stupid it is. It’s a box with an EMF metre. And that allows ghosts to use the Ovilus’s pre-recorded speech to talk to people, because apparently that’s how ghosts work.

Science! (Apparently.)

Oh, and there’s the spirit box. It’s a little box that riffles through radio stations, and spirits can make it choose sound snippets to talk to people. Because ghosts can have the magical ability to control talk radio, apparently. (It does make it funny when the ghost tries to insult people with guitar riffs.)

“How did you die?”

“IhadaheartattackBOWBOWBOWBOWBOW”

“Oh god! Somebody killed Slash!”

These things can really get cool when the ghost they’re talking to is a jerk. I’m pretty sure half of the dead people on this show are complete smartasses. I’m sure to fit in!

Here’s one I liked: “Oh man, it’s really cold in here.”

“Nobodycares.”

Ouch! I suppose that it’s kind of hard to stomach complaining after you’ve already died.

“Did… did you just scare me?”

Sorry.”

“Oh. You’re… you’re sorry for scaring me. I can respect that.”

But sometimes, the ghosts prefer “scary and threatening” to “sarcastic”. Again, just like me!

“Why are you here?”

“MUST. KILL. SIXTY.”

Now, this sounds bad, but you don’t know how that sentence was going to end! Maybe he has to kill sixty frogs, or maybe he has some spare time and has to kill sixty minutes.

“Are you here? Can you talk to us?”

“Run.”

“Run? Why?”

“Happy.”

Meeting a creepy, invisible dead man in a halfway house boiler room? Sounds like your average Craigslist ad.

HAH HAH HAH IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S TERRIFYING.

The worst, by far, is when they decided to create a microcosm of ghosts. First, they set up in Winchester House, a house that was created by Sarah Winchester to appease the ghosts of everyone who died by a Winchester rifle. But to fuck with the ghosts, she also built it as confusing as possible. She… wasn’t very smart.

“To make the ghosts feel better, I will build them a house and because I already forgot the beginning of this sentence I will then make it impossible to navigate!”

Second, they had 2 teams of other people to do the exact same thing as them at two other houses. Specifically, the houses where the ghosts threatened to kill the Ghost Adventure team. Specifically them. By name.

That’s… really bad planning.

But wait! There’s more!

Third, they connected the houses together with “portals” (insert “thinking with portals” reference here) and set up a machine specifically designed to make ghosts more powerful. NO I DON’T KNOW HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO WORK SHUT THE FUCK UP IT’S MAGIC.

As you’d expect, after all this, shit gets real. Ghostly whispers, death threats, temporary insanity, electronic destruction, Aaron starts freaking out, and more. It’s just like Tuesday night at my place!

(Tuesday night is Taco Night.)

One of the best moments is when the motion sensor, in another part of the house where nobody is, trips. And it has a camera facing it, so we can see that nothing goes in there. Either a ghost decided to poke it, or the motion sensor just got bored and decided to go off.

And, towards the end, Zak picks up a EMF metre, takes a look at it, and leaves. He’s been doing this for years, and just says “Fuck it. You know, you people are not paying me enough for this. According to this, there are roughly 6000 ghosts in this room and I’ve done the math and that isn’t even mathematically possible.”

And so they leave midway through the night, for the first time in 6 years. Well, what the hell did you think was going to happen? You wired a bunch of haunted houses together and hyped them up on Red Bull, did you think they’d go back to sleep? Have a polite conversation? Bake you a pie?!

Would it be delicious?!

The Mine Is In My Head

27 Oct

Well, it’s clearly too late for me. Minecraft has eaten my soul. Can’t even write a post, because that would involve not playing Minecraft.

Wait. If I can’t write a post, then why am I writing a post now?

Fuck. Time paradox.

I’ve been playing Minecraft for roughly 36 hours today, and I’ve done the math and that isn’t even scientifically possible. I have destroyed whole continents, devastated swaths of land and engulfed a world in flame. I basically role played as Hitler.

When you’re role playing as Hitler, you always need a safe word.

There you go. Instead of a post today, you get Hitler. It’s a fair trade!

What Goes Around…

26 Oct

One thing I love about this site, is that no matter what I write now, I know I’ll be infinitely better in a couple of months. It’s very rewarding, like sex or video games. Or sex WITH video games, if you’re in to that.

One thing I hate about this site, is that the fucking “archive” function keeps those previous painful attempts of writing around for a long, long time. It’s very aggravating, like pulling pieces of shattered game disc out of your penis after you’ve tried and failed to have sex with it.

(Please don’t ask me how I know that.)

So, I figure “let’s get some comedy out of this crap”! I’ll take the titles and mock them, the same way I do in Freshly Riffed, only it’ll be my own things. I’m sure that’s some kind of poetic justice or irony, but it’ll take a wiser or less apathetic man than me to figure it out.

Ahem.

Hello, people of the web!: Hey everybody, let’s play the “Awful Title Drinking Game”!

*drink*

The Puberty Diaries: Introduction: I know! Instead of actually writing something people want to read, let’s blather nonsensically! Me are good writer!

The Puberty Diaries: Interaction: If you write one more title with a colon in the middle, I will stab you in the taint.

Subconscious Me: What The Hell?: *taint stab*

And, in on an unrelated note, *drink*.

The Puberty Diaries: Schoolyard Blues: You go to high school. What the fuck are you doing in a school yard, other than masturbating furiously?

My Life Is A Very Strange Place: *drink*

The Puberty Diaries: What are you saying about me?: Oh god, it’s fighting back! Get me a knife!

Kill it!

Boy Meets Girl: The rest of this is, naturally, porn.

I Am In Ontario?! What’s Up With That?!: Stop yelling!

My Life Is A Very Strange Place, Part 2: Oh come on, you’re not even going to say “electric boogaloo”? Who the fuck do you think you are?

Also, *drink*.

Airplane Gags: They’re making us wear gags now? Man, airplane security sure is paranoid.

T.V Pitches: If I had the choice, I’d probably pitch it out the window.

Spontaneous Haiku: Not as dangerous as spontaneous combustion, but twice as poetic.

Shut Up, Subconscious Me: Great, the title’s gone insane again.

*drink*

Love Is…: An effective weed killer?

The Internet Is…: Made of delicious cheese?

You Know What’s Cool?: Not this title, OH SNAP.

Also, *drink*.

The Puberty Diaries: Sleepy Time: God dammit, I’m running out of alcohol.

*drink*

Drunk Writing: At this point, I’m pretty sure it is. Ooh, somebody needs to get me a coffee. And more liquor.

Bad Writer! Very, Very Bad Writer!

25 Oct

“Gee,” says Erik, writing as he goes. “I’m sure that people will LOVE my anecdote about how I decided not to go to an award ceremony, BUT THEN I actually won an award! Gosh, it is just so funny and original and I’m definitely not self deluding myself and my penis is huge!”

2 hours later, upon looking back at his post, Erik realized the error of his ways. It was long, boring, didn’t end funnily, and most importantly, it started with a “your mama” joke. Starting a post with a “your mama” joke is like starting a presidential debate by raping the referee.

Wait, are there even referees in debates? Anyway, the point is, fuck politics.

So, consider this my formal apology. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go read a joke book from the 90’s because that is apparently where I get all my jokes from.

Seriously. A “your mama” joke. What the hell is wrong with me?!