Archive | November, 2012

Board Game Innuendos

30 Nov

“Oh, I would put a hotel on her boardwalk if you know what I am saying.”

“I’d take her out with a candlestick in the studies.”

“Hey, baby, wanna connect four?”

“I’d bubble her bobble if you know what I am saying.

“Hey, sugar, I think I just landed on Free Parking.”

“Come with me tonight, and I’ll try not to buzz the sides.”

“I think I just conquered Asia if you catch my meanin’.”

“I think I have the longest railway.”

“You can keep my tower block standing IF YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING.”


29 Nov





E-D-F! E-D-F!

28 Nov

It’s time to grab a rocket launcher, switch on your horrible dubbing and put on your bug stomping boots, cause we’re talking about EDF, motherfuckers! 

Earth Defence Force 2017 was the first game in the “Earth Defence Force” series released in North America. Three guesses to what it’s about, just from the title.

Okay, whoever said “cooking simulator”, go sit in the corner.

I found this game years ago, in a dusty, desolate corner of my video rental place. I rented it on the grounds that it looked like it had a robot in the background, and that’s apparently all I needed. “Robots= high class entertainment”, evidently.

Putting Japanese at the end of your title makes it EXTREME!

I took the game home, and popped it in. The game starts with no story at all, just a shot of a flying saucer. Then, we open to me, Mister Nameless protagonist, walking down an empty street while my radio chatters incessantly. Finally, I get to the red blinking dot on my radar, and… it’s ants.

Yup. Ants. The main enemies in this game… are ants.

Wait, did I say ants?


Super ants. Mega ants. Giant alien acid spewing super mega hyper delicious chocolatey fudge brownie earth shatteringly fantastic and incredibly well endowed… ants.

Did I mention there are ants yet?

This game is kind of like what happens when you lock 2 game designers in a shed with nothing but paint fumes. One wanted to make a game about giant bugs squishing Japan, and the other wanted to make a game about giant robots squishing Japan, so they made a game that’s 50% of each. And 100% insane.

There is no plot. No characters. Nothing of any substance. Just you, 2 guns, a hoard of alien monsters, and Japan. Just like a normal Friday night!


Every building can be destroyed with a single rocket, and it would be a nice feature, if I ever did it on purpose. It’s always like, “hey look, a giant spider! I should kill it. Whoops, accidentally slaughtered an entire preschool. Butterfingers!”

“Oh, I’m so silly! Hah hah. Anyway, you’re all dead.”

As you go about, saving the world by means of mass murder, you are accompanied with a collection of Earth Defence Force soldiers. And I swear, these guys got their audio at fucking gunpoint. They talk in a spectacular monotone, as if they’re just talking around the water-cooler as they fight and die.

“Yay, killed one.”

“Got another one.”

“They’re out of range.”


“Oh my. I am dead. That is not a good thing for me to be.”

Okay, I made that last one up, but could you really tell?

But, the best thing has to be this: the power-ups. When you kill something, you have a chance of gaining a power-up.




A three dimensional game, with a two dimensional power-up.


This game is like a bizarre concoction of pure Japanese insanity, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Buy it now, or I will lose all respect for you and punch you.

Right in the taint.

Doctor Who: The Board Game!

27 Nov

Guess what I bought today?

Alright, take whatever you just said, and make it 5 times nerdier. If you did your math right (carry the two), then you should say Monopoly: Doctor Who Edition!

Wait, this exists? How? And why?

I am such a fanboy that I actually bought a copy of a game I own, JUST to have Doctor Who characters on it! And it’s Monopoly, of all things! According to the Nerd Index, I should have my head in a junior high toilet, around the clock!

The game pieces have all been retooled for this monument to geekery, giving us the second Doctor’s recorder (wait, he has a recorder? Man, the old show was weird.), the fifth Doctor’s celery (like, really weird), the fourth Doctor’s scarf (a classic!), the sonic screwdriver, the seventh Doctor’s umbrella, and the eleventh Doctor’s bow tie (dibs!).

The board itself is set up by monsters, instead of by episodes or era, which I think is a pretty nice way to unite the fan base. There’s a section for the Daleks, the Sontarans. the Silurians, the Master, the Ice Warriors, the Cybermen, the Autons, a couple of Galifreyans and to anybody who doesn’t know Doctor Who, this must sound like complete gibberish.

Well, it is, but it’s British gibberish (or “britterish) so we let it fly.

The only notable monsters missing are the Weeping Angels and the Silence. But the Weeping Angels are understandable, as they’ve only been in the show for the last little while. And for the Silence, well, I’m sure they just forgot.

Wait, what were we talking about?

But it seems that when they were adapting this game for Doctor Who, they missed a couple of things.  For example, they still use houses and hotels, which is a bit confusing. I honestly doubt that the Daleks would let you put a hotel on them. But if you did, I’d bet it’d have a fuck load of vacancies.

“Hey, I saw a bug in my room.”




“So, what’re you going to do.”



But the worst, absolutely worst thing are the cards. Whoever wrote these things obviously has only a passing knowledge of the show. It has things like “Your TARDIS is fined for driving in the oncoming lane. Pay the fine.” or “You won a gardening contest with a rare orchid. Take some prize money”. Wow, that’s… that’s really the best you can do?

Not, “You killed every Dalek in the universe for the billionth fucking time. Here, take some money because why the hell not”. Or, maybe, “You accidentally pushed your companion down the stairs. Whoops. Buy her lunch to make up to her”. Or, my personal favourite, “You’re about to regenerate. Be a whiny bitch about it and spend 5 turns moping till radiation dusts your springy ass and we replace you with Matt Smith”.

Sorry, still sore about that.

Freshly Riffed 11: Lederhosen Edition

26 Nov

Welcome back to Freshly Riffed, the only web series that started as a bordello, but then we got confused.

A Very Strange Place, circa 1450.

Freshly Riffed is where I, the great magnanimous Erik, mock WordPress’s “Freshly Pressed” function by taking the titles of their posts and mocking them. Hey, look, I managed to explain this without being a snarky prick. What’d ya know!


The Quickest Way To Kill A Conversation: Arsenic laced Jell-O usually does the job.

Facebook & Emotional Pornography: “I’ve heard of ‘poking’ people, but this is ridiculous.”


Ooh, wait, I have another one!

“Is that a ‘notification’ in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”


Okay, one more.

“Mark Zuckerberg, eat your heart out. Or eat something out, in any case.”


That’s… that’s not even close to the music I wanted but screw it, I can work with this!

Confessions Of A Constant Commenter: Constant cacophonous confessions of a carelessly crazy Canadian commenter? Currently cocooned in Cancun?! 

Naw, probably not.

Curling Up With A Good Symphony: The entire symphony? AND their instruments?

Man. I always knew that Bach was a pimp.

“Son, I’m a stone cold playa’. Fo’ shizzle.” – Bach

Sometimes A Punch In The Face Is All It Takes: Challenge accepted.

Do Not Fear Potatoes: I’ll try not to, but potatoes are fucking terrifying. 

How To Fake Your Own Death: You need 16 gallons of butter, 4 ferrets and a spork.

Good Job New Zealand!: Good job, New Zealand! Here, have a cookie.

Don’t spend it all at once.

Time Travellers Are Invited To My Party And You’re Not: Fine, but Doc Brown’ll puke on your couch, the Doctor will end up fucking River Song on the front lawn, and Bill and Ted will snort cocaine off the chest of Marie Curie.


They are, in fact, Momnipotent!

Wow, I am absolutely shameless.

Me Versus WordPress

25 Nov

Jesus, WordPress, you might as well put the ball on a freaking tee.

While tooling around on WordPress, I managed to find “The Daily Post“, a blog that WordPress maintains to help out any new bloggers out there. Wait, a guide for bloggers exists? Jeez, this would have been useful about 9 fucking months ago when I was starting out!

Grr. Filled with… inarticulate… rage! Must… kill… WordPress!

Anyway, The Daily Post has all kind of helpful hints for the enterprising blogger! They even have  a prompt section for people who aren’t sure what to write. Which seems a little odd, to be honest. It’d be like if your diary came with a “suggestion” page.

“Your life looks a little boring. You should totally add a gunfight!”

Ooh, let’s take a look at the “prompts” section! Maybe it’ll get my creative juices flowing! Or, hey, maybe I’ll just make fun of it like I always fucking do.


Open your nearest book to page 82. Take the third full sentence on the page, and work it into a post somehow: Well, I’ll try, but I’m not sure how to work the phrase “he bit my dusty rose nipples” in to a post.

What is a life well lived to you?: A life filled with dastardly crime and cocoa!

Dastardly cocoa is the BEST cocoa.

You have the chance to write one last post on your blog before you stop blogging forever. Write it: “Ladies and gentlemen? Let’s rock.”

Write a summary of the book you’ve always wanted to write for the back cover of its dust jacket: “Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince: SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE. Also, some other stuff happens.”

Take a line from a song that you love or connect with. Turn that line into the title of your post: I could try, but how could I make a post with the title “Fuck you!”?

Ooh, I know! I’ll write something about Fox News!


What change, big or small, would you like your blog to make in the world?: If I had the choice, my blog would pre-empt the Super Bowl and become our national anthem.

Create a new word and explain its meaning and etymology: My new word is “rectalsnowflamitory”. It means “to have buttsex with Snowflame”.

\ Rectalsnowflamitory. It’s what’s for dinner.

Tell us about something you’ve done that you would advise a friend never to do: Never have rectalsnowflamitory in a moving car.

Write a letter to your 14-year-old self. Tomorrow, write a letter to yourself in 20 years: “Dear 14 year old self; give me your wallet. Dear self in 20 years; invest it wisely.”

When was the last time you felt really, truly lonely?: The last time I tried to watch a romantic comedy.


Jennifer Lopez, you have failed me for the last time.

Take a complicated subject you know more about than most people, and explain it to a friend who knows nothing about it at all: I will now begin my 5 hour lecture on internet porn. Chapter one, “Yaoi and You”.

What’s the one thing you hope other people never say about you?: “That guy is really boring. And purple is an awful colour.”

Well, there we go. First I make it a habit to publicly make fun of anyone on Freshly Pressed, and now I’m going after WordPress itself! Damn, I’m a jerk.

Eventually, me and WordPress are going to have to settle our differences the gentlemanly way: naked bare-knuckle cage match.

Taking all bets!


Top 10 Villain Songs

24 Nov

A movie needs two things to work for me: a hero and a villain. And, if you’ve been on this site for a while, you can guess which one I prefer.

(Villains. It’s… it’s villains, I’m talking about villains.)

So, when somebody makes a musical, the villain songs are always the best part. So get on your devil horns and one ring of power, because we’re counting down my top 10 villain songs!



10. Brand New Day (Doctor Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog)

Woot, woot, Joss Whedon in the house! Woot, woot, Joss Whedon in the house!

Throughout this Joss Whedon penned musical, Neil Patrick Harris has to commit a dastardly crime to make it in to the evil league of evil. Unfortunately for him, he’s not that evil. At least, until Nathan Fillion steals his crush, Felicia Day. Then he’s like “Better get murdery all up in this bitch!”

Which is, incidentally, how I wake up in the morning.

I love how upbeat this song is, while still sounding menacing and murderous and, if I may say so, fabulous!

(Woot, Neil Patrick Harris!)

9. Toxic Love (Fern Gully)

God dammit internet, what the hell is wrong with you?! This is the second time in this list that I can’t find the clip I want, and we’re only 2 items in! You’d better ship up, internet, or I’m shipping you out to military school.

I can’t find the original video, so instead, here’s Tim Curry in the recording studio.

Damn, that is one damn sexy song. You are one damn sexy man, Tim Curry!

Well, vocally. Physically, you look like a drunken zombie going through rehab.

And, hey, any straight dudes or gay gals in the audience? Here, try this on for size.

That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

8. Be Prepared (Lion King)

Look, do I even need to explain why this is a great song? It’s motherfucking Scar, in a motherfucking graveyard, singing to an army of motherfucking hyenas, in The Motherfucking Lion King. I checked with my agent, and I am legally obligated to include this song.

Seriously, if I don’t, they dock my pay for like a week.

7. Poor Unfortunate Souls (The Little Mermaid)

Is this what people do underwater? I honestly don’t know.

Maybe they just sit around and make easy rhyming jokes. I mean, seriously, “Poor Unfortunate Souls”? You could not ask for a better set-up!

“Poor Unfortunate Soles”

“Poor Unfortunate Foals”

“Poor Unfortunate Coals”

“Poor Unfortunate Tolls”

“Poor Unfortunate Trolls”

Oh, and this song is always a problem whenever I’m trying to convince somebody of something.

“Do you really need so much butter?”

“Look, I admit that in the past I’ve been a nasty. They weren’t kidding when they called me, well, a witch. But you’ll find that nowadays, I’ve mended all my ways…”

6. Dentist (Little Shop Of Horrors)

I will freely admit that I’ve never actually seen Little Shop Of Horrors, but from this song alone, I assume that it’s 2 full hours of Steve Martin running around and singing about hurting people while his back-up singers prance about.

In other words, the greatest fucking movie ever.

5. The Sound Of Drums (Doctor Who)

Ooh, this’ll require some explanation.

This song was never actually used in any Doctor Who media, but was released by a fan band, Chameleon Circuit. Somebody got a hold of it, made a fan video, and there you go. I’m including it on this list so I can get my Geek merit badge!

It’s from the point of view of the Doctor’s nemesis, the Master, as it details his character arc through the new series. And as unnerving as it sounds, I can’t actually get the beat out of my head.

Still, I’m sure that that’s not important!

beatbeatbeatbeat, beatbeatbeatbeat, beatbeatbeatbeat.

4. Hellfire (The Hunchback Of Notre Dame)

OF COURSE this song is on the list. Why the hell wouldn’t it be?!

Frollo, our resident priest, is singing about being in love with the main character, Esmeralda. Unfortunately for her, it’s less a “romantic dinners in the moonlight” love and more of a “you will burn in the fires of hell for making me so horny” love.

Yeah, Frollo is kind of a dick.

3. Friends On The Other Side (The Princess And The Frog)

Again, I haven’t actually seen this movie, but if this song is any indication, I assume that it’s nothing but the Shadowman using his bitchin’ voodoo powers to simultaneously rape every single living creature on earth for all eternity.

You know, for kids!

2. What You Feel (Buffy The Vampire Slayer)

Note to self: Joss Whedon is awesome.

And so is tap dancing.

And so are giant ventriloquist puppets.

Ergo, this is, like, awesome times 4.

Scientifically speaking, of course.

1. Thankless Job (Repo! The Genetic Opera)

Okay, time for a confession: I made this list entirely so I could talk about this song.


If you only listen to one song on this list, make it this one. Repo! The Genetic Opera is about a dystopian future where organ transplants are the latest fashion trends. Unfortunately, if you can’t pay off your organs, a Repo Man comes your way and “repossesses” your organs. With a knife. And a jaunty tune, apparently.

Anthony Stewart Head plays Nathan, a man forced in to the role of a Repo Man. A role he takes to with disturbing gusto, actually. Try to imagine Giles in this scene, and it makes it 20 times more disturbing. And funnier!

My favourite part of this song is how much he enjoys what he’s doing. He is literally torturing a man, disembowelling him, and using him as a ventriloquist dummy to sing back-up. This is a man who, quite simply, does not give a fuck.

He prances through his torture dungeon, giggles evil, twirls as he manhandles organs, and at 0:36, he even plays air-plane while he grabs his organ kit. It’s strangely endearing, but that makes it even more evil once he starts actually killing this poor guy. Head manages to balance “kid in a candy store” and “pure Satan” perfectly.

I salute you, Anthony Stewart Head. I will salute you as much as you want as long as you keep that fucking knife away from me! 

The thing about musicals is that they’re usually silly, silly movies. So a villain song is usually a silly, silly song. So when I saw a twisted, dark, gory musical with a kickass villain song?

That caught my attention.

And also my organs.

Movie Monsters=Teen Fads

23 Nov

Harry Potter. Twilight. Percy Jackson. The Hunger Games. What do these film/book series have in common?

Zombies. Vampires. Werewolves. Cybermen. What do these movie monsters have in common?

The answer to both is the same: indoctrination! And don’t worry, I’m going to explain what the hell I’m talking about. I’m not going to waste my time thinking of this vaguely professional opening just to leave you people twisting in the wind. I’m not that much of an asshole.

(Yes. Yes, I am.)

The Harry Potter series states that anybody can be a wizard, no matter their breedig. They start out when they’re teens, and it manifests in being “different” and “unique”. It’s pretty much just crack for teenagers.

Twilight has Bella, a protagonist that was deliberately written to be so bland that any horny teenage girl can insert herself in the story without worrying about chafing.

Percy Jackson And The Olympians plays the same card as Harry Potter by saying that “being a child of the gods manifests itself in being really hyperactive and difficult to get along with”. Presumably, it also manifests with pimples and an inability to understand women COUGH COUGH EVERY TEENAGER EVER.

The Hunger Games has the games them self, which start off by choosing one random teenager to fight to the death. Okay, I’m not quite sure why people fantasise about that, but I’m also not sure why people like cheese pizza. People are fucked up!

The key to selling things to teens, it appears, is making a universe where teenagers can insert themselves without compromising the universes integrity and that was quite possibly the most pretentious thing I’ve ever said.

Movie monsters also seem to operate on the same wavelength, which is pretty weird. (I mean, teenagers are already monsters, but you wouldn’t think there’d be that much correlation.) Whether it’s via biting or assimilation, the most popular monsters are the ones that can turn normal people in to hideous beasts. You know, like spray-on tan.

So, where am I going with all this? MY MASTER PLAN! The newest teen sensation should be about a bunch of sexy misfit wizards, chosen by the gods to engage in a fight to the death with zombies and monsters and vampires and aliens until they realize that friend ship is the true magic and they kill the Zompire God!

6 million dollars, please.


22 Nov

Today’s post is dedicated to my sister, who spent the last hour ranting stream of consciousness. Because she won’t let me write, I’ll write her. MWA HAH HAH.

“Do lions worry about incest?”

“I just grew up in the Savannah last night!”

“Sometimes, I think about skinning humans and making them in to coats.”

“Nipples are weird. In both what they look like and what they do.”

“If I had 6 nipples, I could feed all the babies.”

“I always loved Crackle the most.”

“I need to get a Wee Willy Winky outfit. And a candle-holder.”

“I wish all of my toes where opposable. I want to be able to play the piano with my toes like Bugs Bunny. I like Bugs Bunny.

“What’s up with nose hair? No, I mean, seriously. Do you lose it? Where does it go? And what about the Magic School-bus?”

“The word for ‘baby’ in Japan translates to ‘little red thing’. I think that’s fitting.”

“Somebody in the world is eating a peanut butter and salmon sandwich. This worries me.”

“I worry about massage cream. It has a weird after-taste. Mmm, tastes like human flesh.”

“Could you sacrifice zombies to volcano gods? Because I think that would solve everybody’s problems.”

“If I put my toes in peanut butter, it would squelch and get stuck. It would make me unhappy.”

“If you wished upon a star, would it go out? Maybe that’s what’s wrong with Doctor Who.”

“Why does Captain Hook have clothes? I worry about these things.”

The Best Harry Potter Spell (Is Not What You Think)

21 Nov

Oh, Harry Potter. You have more plot holes than Swiss Cheese after being attacked with a hole puncher, but you’re still consistently enjoyable. Go figure.

The main thrust of the series, for those who don’t know, is about Voldemort, wizard Hitler, trying to take over the world with a series of convenient McGuffins. Harry and his friends defeat him time and time again by virtue of the fact that they are the main characters, and therefore ALWAYS win.

In Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, resident twat, Ron Weasley, tries to curse resident Nazi, Draco Malfoy. Of course, the universe hates Ron, so the curse backfires and he shoots himself in the face.


The specific curse Ron uses happens to make people vomit slugs, which is an oddly specific spell to memorise. Did he come across that spell and say to himself, “You know what? Fuck wizard Nazis.

Anyway, Ron vomits slugs for a bit, then the spell goes away.

And nobody ever mentions this spell again.

So, just to recap, there is a spell which causes the recipient to vomit an edible animal, with absolutely NO repercussions. Essentially, a second grader can generate infinite fucking food.

Need a snack? Bam, slugs. Starving to death? BOOM, slugs. Harry Potter And The Deathly Hollows has a whole chunk of the book where the entire plot is “we have no food”, presumably because they forgot that every single person in the entire fucking world is a slug vending machine.

“Hey guys, I got lunch!”

In fact, Deathly Hollows has people mentioning that “we can’t generate food out of thin air!”. WELL GEE, HOW ABOUT THAT SPELL THAT GIVES YOU FREE SLUGS. Or are we just talking about the “nice looking” food?

Yes, I know it’s disgusting,  but I think hanging out with Ron is an acceptable price for solving WORLD HUNGER.