I Don’t Know Why You Say Goodbye, I Say Halo

7 Nov

This is my official coronation of PRINCE OF THE TITLE PUNS!

*polite applause*

Today, we’ll be handling a review of Halo 4, because the release of Halo 4 was the only important thing to happen yesterday.

But first, a bit of back story. Our protagonist is the emotionally defective super soldier, Master Chief, and he’s floating through space with his purple Deus Ex Machina, Cortana. They crash on a planet and go about killing every living thing on it. Not because they’re evil, but because the Chief can’t get stiff if he hasn’t killed at least three species.

I’ll preface this review by saying the following: the game play is really good, and the graphics rock. The story is where all of this games faults lie, but the game play has some fantastic set pieces. My favourite is the starship battle, which is so awesome that I’m required by law to mention Danger Zone whenever I bring it up.

The story is completely schizophrenic, over-explaining some elements while ignoring others. It gives us a 10 minute cinematic, giving answers to questions that absolutely nobody has asked, while completely ignoring other questions. For example, how the flip did Master Chief survive in space for 4 years?!

We see that he’s sleeping in a cryogenic pod, but other than that, we get nothing. Where did they get the power from? Where did the air come from? How did they steer? And if they didn’t, how did they stop from falling in to the largest gravitational body? The answer to all of these questions is “Shut up and look at Cortana’s holo-boobs.”

Admittedly, they’re a good distraction, BUT THEY CAN ONLY HIDE SO MUCH.

Apparently, in the time between games, humanity has made more super soldiers (or Spartans, as they’re called). Nobody mentions that A), Spartans have to be made from birth and there was not enough time for that, and B) this ruins the Chief’s status as “The Last Spartan”. It’s like if a bus of Time Lords hopped out to save the Doctor and nobody bats an eye.

Well, that’s not entirely true. Cortana does raise this point during a mission, but she screams it at you and she’s wackier than a teenage boy with an internet connection at the time so nobody cares.

Oh, did I forget to mention that? See, in the Halo universe, all their purple Deus Ex Machinas happen to have due date of 7 years, and hers is up. This is really dumb, because they all happen to be freaking geniuses. This is like giving your goldfish nuclear launch codes.

The goldfish realizes that nuclear fallout would render his water inhospitable. The goldfish doesn’t care.

But the most scorn of all must be piled on to the ending. This ending left me sitting in my seat, quietly saying “what” over and over again as if it would somehow make things make sense.

(It didn’t.)

Remember that starship battle I told you about?

Well, right after that is the finale. We jump on to the bad guy’s ship- oh, by the way, there’s a bad guy. I can’t remember his name, so I just call him Space Satan. It’s easier and quicker than explaining his stupid back story. (Something involving lasers and robots, that’s all I could be sure of.)

Anyway, we find Space Satan, he force chokes me (don’t question it) and Cortana bitch slaps him, even though she’s just a hologram (again, don’t question it). I grab a grenade, explode it, and he trips off the cliff. The end.

Seriously. That’s it. Starship battle…

… Then a gunfight, then Space Satan trips off a cliff. As far as climaxes go, it’s about on par with coughing up phlegm on your lovers chest.

Orgasm joke swing and a miss!

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