Freshly Riffed 9: Arson And Soup Edition

8 Nov

Welcome back to Freshly Riffed, where any semblance of wit is a result of your own twisted madness or, in extreme cases, the gallons of moonshine I’ve been injecting in to you the second you opened this page.

I have to keep you people hooked somehow.

Freshly Riffed is blah blah, something something, I make fun of the titles of Freshly Pressed blog posts, etcetera. I swear, I’ve explained this so many times I might as well get it on a freaking t-shirt.


Lessons From One-Armed Baby: “Lesson one: don’t lose your arm.”

Torture And Death For All The Family: Incidentally, this is also the title for my world famous cookbook.

Let Me Tell You A Story…: All about how your life got flipped/turned upside down?

Naw, probably not.

Do You Say Hi To Everyone You Meet?: No, but I am high to everyone I meet.

300 Million Shades Of Purple: This is actually the title for my very strange porno.

Get it? Cause it’s like “50 Shades Of Gray”? But purple? And my website’s purple?

Oh shut the fuck up, it’s funny.

Where To Watch The 2012 Presidential Election Live Online: Okay, I not exactly an expert in American politics, but I’m pretty sure elections are just “putting paper in boxes”.  Do people really want to see that? Or do Americans do things differently? Are presidents elected via gladiator battle?

Obama’s on the left, Romney’s on the right, and the tiger is the American people.

Things Never To Say To A Teacher: “Goodbye, teach! I’m off to have premarital unprotected sex on a pile of dirty needles full of drugs while burning things and reciting the Necronomicon backwards.”

The Magician Disappeared From The Middle Of The Crowded Room:  Well, grenades tend to do that.

Are You What You Buy?: I certainly hope not, I just bought a tumbler of soup and a walrus and I really don’t want to know what those 2 things would look like put together.

A Theory Of Love: Love is actually a high grade explosive, triggered by crab meat and inappropriate erections.



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