Freshly Riffed 10: The Internet Strikes Back

13 Nov

Welcome back to Freshly Riffed, the only web series publicly endorsed by the dark lord, Cthulhu.

Oh, Cthulhu. You’re so wacky!

Freshly Riffed is a series (by the way, once I’ve reached number 10, I’m allowed to call it a series) in which I mock the titles of Freshly Pressed blog posts, which are given by WordPress, my current hosting site. I hope you’re listening, because I am not fucking explaining this again.

(Oh, you know I will explain it again. BUT I WON’T LIKE IT.)


The Crazed Woman Who Called On My Wedding Day: You know, in some circles, we call that woman a “wife”.

Little Albatrosses: Is that a little albatross in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Oh. It’s… it’s actually an albatross. Huh.

Giving A Person More Attention Because They’re Attractive: And We All Do It: I do it, but that’s because the pretty ones carry knives.

My Ideal Bookshelf: My ideal bookshelf is completely full of bourbon and cocaine. Admittedly, it’s not so much a bookshelf as it is a “tools for the destruction of innocence shelf”, but it still counts.

Out Of Answers? You’re Not Out Of God.: There is not a single joke I can make about this without getting struck down with lightning, so let’s just move on before I become a crispy fried host.

Everyone Hates Overachievers: Overachiever? I just met ‘er!

Q: What Killed The Electric Pot? A: Me: “Villains! Dissemble no more! I admit the deed! — tear up the planks! — here, here! — it is the beating of his hideous electric pot!”

You Can’t Hurry Love: You can, however, shoot love in the kneecap mid-stride as he runs and laugh as he falls over.

Wouldn’t You Like To Be A Hero Too?: Naw, I’ll be a villain. My name’ll be “Mister Fudge” and I’ll defeat my enemies with by drowning them in chocolate while shouting off puns.

Wil Wheaton Blew Up My Twitter Account: What?! NO! DAMN YOU WIL WHEATON!


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