They Don’t Let Me In Hogwarts Anymore

16 Nov

[The following is a transcript of my time at Hogwarts.]

[Those of weak constitutions may want to turn away. Just a warning.]

Entry One

[Erik, Ron, Harry and Hermione sit in the Great Hall, eating breakfast.]

Erik: And then I huffed her puff, if you know what I mean!

Harry: That is the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

Ron: I don’t think it’s legal to do that to a broom.

Erik: And it’s also not legal to fuck the Sorting Hat, but that didn’t stop me. Seriously, Ron, you’re the worst, I already hate you.

Hermione: Erik, that’s not nice!

Erik: Neither is Ron, but that doesn’t stop him. His Mom’s vagina has more venereal diseases than children, and that’s saying something.

Ron: What is wrong with you?!

Erik: You, and the fact that I’m completely sober. Come on, I can’t be the only one who hates this guy.

[All of Hufflepuff raises their hands.]

Erik: There we go.

[Suddenly, owls fly through the room!]

Erik: WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!

Harry: It’s just the post.

Erik: No way is that the best way to deliver mail. No fucking way.

Hermione: It’s faster and more reliable than the Muggle way.

Erik: We have magical abilities that let us bitch slap the laws of physics, but we’re still stuck with freaking owls?! You people cannot be this dumb.

Harry: Got to go, I need to stick my head in an open flame so I can talk to my godfather.

Erik: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Ever heard of a cell phone?

Entry 2

[Harry and Ron sit in a stairwell, discussing their relationships. Erik is shooting birds out the window.]

Ron: I think my girlfriend is cheating on me.

Harry: Oh no! What’ll you do?

Erik: Boom! Killed another bird. I’m on a motherfucking roll.

Ron: I don’t know! How will I confront her?

Erik: Is this seriously what you’re talking about? WE ARE MAGIC. I could kill any of you, like, at any time. STOP BEING FUCKING BORING.

Harry: It’s certainly a pickle.

Erik: No, a pickle is what I put in Ron’s mother. For a nickle.

Ron: …

Erik: I had sex with Ron’s mom, is my point.

Harry: …

Erik: Boom! Got another one! Take that, you flying fuckers!

Hah hah, birds have hollow bones.

Entry 3

[Erik, Ron, Harry and Hermione are talking to Dumbledore.]

Dumbledore: I’m sorry, but we were unable to find a “Defence Against The Dark Arts” teacher this year.

Ron: Oh no!

Harry: How will I become an Auror?!

Erik: Fucking finally.

Harry: What are you talking about?

Erik: Every time we get one of those teachers, he either kills everyone or turns out to have Satan suckling on his man tits. We’ve had more teachers than Hermione has had sexual partners. Or “boner buddies”, as I call them.

Ron: Why do you lie SO MUCH?!

Hermione: Actually, that part’s true.

Dumbledore: No sex on school grounds!

Erik: Shut up, Mr. Wizard, it’s your fault for offering condoms at dinner!

Dumbledore: Those aren’t condoms. Those are puddings.

Erik: Oh.

Hermione: …

Erik: Fuck.

Whoops.

Entry 4

[Harry, Ron and Hermione are sitting in the tavern.]

Harry: I’m glad we got away from that Erik guy. What a dick.

Ron: He keeps telling those lies about Hermione and Ginny!

Hermione: Actually, Ron, those aren’t li-

Ron: LA LA LA LA THEY’RE LIES.

[Erik enters in a fur coat with a Ginny under each arm.]

No comment.

Erik: Konichiwa, bitches.

Ron: What are you doing with my sister, and why are there 2 of them?!

Erik: One’s real, the other one is Polyjuice Potion.

Ginny 2: I’m actually Neville.

Harry: My libido is so confused right now.

Ron: Why do you all go to him? What does he have that I don’t?

Ginny: His penis is 6 feet long and fully prehensile.

Ron: …

Hermione: That part’s true.

I just got to use the phrase “6 feet long and fully prehensile” in a post. I am so proud right now.

Entry 5

[Harry, Hermione and Erik are being led in to the Forbidden Forest by the bitchy teacher! Suddenly, a herd of centaurs come out of nowhere and tie her up and drag her away while she begs for forgiveness! The whole thing is pretty disturbing!]

Harry: Wow! Good thinking, Hermione, now that she’s off with the centaurs, we can save the day!

Erik: Oh, Jesus. Guys, we have to go save her.

Harry: What? Why? You know what she did! She was like Hitler, but pink!

Erik: Do you know what centaurs do? They kidnap women and rape them. It’s a core part of their mythology, and we just left a woman to be tied up and gang raped by an entire village of sentient horse people.

Harry: Hermione, did you know this?

Hermione: It seemed fitting.

Erik: Have you even seen a horse wang?!

Hermione: Yes, intimately.

Erik: You could play baseball with those things! I could pull one off and use it as a pogo stick! I’m the wacky and unpredictable one and even I’m freaked the fuck out!

Harry: Come on, we have to go save the day!

Erik: YOU GUYS ARE THE WORST PROTAGONISTS EVER.

A centaur, pre rape.

Entry 6

[Harry and Voldemort are having a deadly duel for the fate of the world! Also, Erik is there.]

Harry: I will never let you win!

Voldemort: I will destroy you!

Erik: I will get Erik another beer!

Harry: Quick, Erik, curse him! While he’s distracted doing a light show with me!

The deadliest light show.

Voldemort: No! Kill Harry! We will rule the world together!

Harry: Don’t listen to him!

Erik: Hmm. Well, it’s very tempting both ways. Harry, what’ll I get if I kill him?

Harry: Um. A victory for goodness?

Erik: Fuck that. Voldy? What’s your pitch?

Voldemort: You’ll get to kill anybody you want, like, all the time.

Erik: See? This is how you do a sales pitch.

Harry: Damn you, Tom Riddle!

Erik: Wait, your name is Tom Riddle? Jesus, you’re like a discount Batman villain.

Voldemort: Shut up and kill Harry already!

Erik: Could I kill Ron later too? I mean, seriously, fuck Ron. He’s the worst.

Voldemort: I know, right?

Erik: See? Voldy knows what I’m talking about.

Harry: Seriously, fuck both of you.

One Response to “They Don’t Let Me In Hogwarts Anymore”

  1. fiveorangetoasters (liam) November 16, 2012 at 10:45 pm #

    we have the best math classes EVER!

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