The Best Of Freshly Riffed

18 Nov

One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war!

Hah hah, not really. I do, however, declare that IT’S MY 300TH POST!

And, before we get to the main event, here’s the now-standard embedded video. Talk about a routine, huh?

I had a very special plan for today, but I still can’t get my hands on a muskrat, so instead, I have this! I will be compiling all of my favourite Freshly Riffs and baking them in to a delicious pumpkin pie of funny!

But first, here is my original explanation of Freshly Riffed: “WordPress has a function called “Freshly Pressed” in which they share posts from random blogs that they think is good. And now I’m going to make fun of them! Well, not the posts themselves, just the titles. Because it’s easier to make fun of things if I don’t know about them very well.”

Gosh, it’s just like I remember: boring and uninteresting.

ADVENTURE HO!

Glimpses Of Iran: Well, obviously it’s glimpses. It’s hard to see out of a Burka.

HAH HAH INAPPROPRIATE JOKE HAH.

New York City Knows What’s Breast: That’s to be expected in the titty that never sleeps.

Boxfuls Of History: All of my boxes of history are filled with arson and shame.

O.C.D. … OMG!: I love how it has those three dots, like it took a second for her to realize what “O.C.D” means.

“O.C.D? Huh. What’s that? “

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Holy fuck! That’s kind of a big deal!”

Finding Hope In A Boxing Ring: Personally, I’d be more impressed if you could find the Pope in a boxing ring.

He’s got a mean right cross and a glass jaw.

What Helps You Write?: 16 kilos of uncut cocaine, a pitcher of Jack Daniels, the blood of a high-born virgin, and a lollipop.

To My Teenage Self: “Dear teenage self, how are you RUN YOU FOOL IT’S A BOMB OH GOD.”

A Midsummer’s Night Cream: Ah, one of Shakespeare’s great pornos. Also on the list is “Much Ado About Dildo”  and “Ramlet”.

The New Truth Of AIDS: It turns out that Bruce Willis was AIDS the whole time.

I am ashamed to say that I would TOTALLY watch this movie.

United Airlines Killed Our Golden Retriever, Bea: Must… not… make… 9/11 joke… about planes… hitting dogs… it’s… in poor taste!

Andy Murray Breaks Through: OH GOD ANDY MURRAY HAS BREACHED THE PERIMETER.

The Buddy Holly Curse: “Oh, god, help me!”

“What is it? How can I help?”

“The curse… I’m…. infected!”

“Oh no, how will we tell when it’s too late?!”

“OOH WEE OOH I’LL LOOK JUST LIKE BUDDY HOLLY. UH OH AND YOU’RE MARY TYLER MOORE.”

Cake Is A Food Group, Right?: According to GLaDOS, it is.

(Actually, wow. That reference was way, way too easy. Here, lemme try that again with a better reference.)

Cake Is A Food Group, Right?: I feel a great disturbance in the Force… as if millions of nutritionists cried out in terror… and were suddenly silenced.

(There, much better!)

That’s no moon, that’s yo’ momma!

Alive And Well: Stop bragging!

#girlwithabook: Becausefuckyouspacebar.

I Wish I Were A Ghost: *cocks pistol*

That can be arranged.

Why We Don’t Have Time For Jane Austen: Because fuck you, Jane Austen.

Aww, now you made zombie Jane Austen sad!

Torture And Death For All The Family: Incidentally, this is also the title for my world famous cookbook.

A Theory Of Love: Love is actually a high grade explosive, triggered by crab meat and inappropriate erections.

SO I SAID IT, SO IT MUST BE CANON.

You Can’t Hurry Love: You can, however, shoot love in the kneecap mid-stride as he runs and laugh as he falls over.

Wil Wheaton Blew Up My Twitter Account: What?! NO! DAMN YOU WIL WHEATON!

WIL WHEATON KNOWS NO PITY.

Well, there we go, people! I’ve taken the best of Freshly Riffed and compressed it into a single bite sized piece!

Which means you don’t have to read the others…

Which means I get less views…

Okay, let’s just pretend this didn’t happen.

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3 Responses to “The Best Of Freshly Riffed”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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