The Best Harry Potter Spell (Is Not What You Think)

21 Nov

Oh, Harry Potter. You have more plot holes than Swiss Cheese after being attacked with a hole puncher, but you’re still consistently enjoyable. Go figure.

The main thrust of the series, for those who don’t know, is about Voldemort, wizard Hitler, trying to take over the world with a series of convenient McGuffins. Harry and his friends defeat him time and time again by virtue of the fact that they are the main characters, and therefore ALWAYS win.

In Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, resident twat, Ron Weasley, tries to curse resident Nazi, Draco Malfoy. Of course, the universe hates Ron, so the curse backfires and he shoots himself in the face.

SERIOUSLY, FUCK YOU, RON.

The specific curse Ron uses happens to make people vomit slugs, which is an oddly specific spell to memorise. Did he come across that spell and say to himself, “You know what? Fuck wizard Nazis.

Anyway, Ron vomits slugs for a bit, then the spell goes away.

And nobody ever mentions this spell again.

So, just to recap, there is a spell which causes the recipient to vomit an edible animal, with absolutely NO repercussions. Essentially, a second grader can generate infinite fucking food.

Need a snack? Bam, slugs. Starving to death? BOOM, slugs. Harry Potter And The Deathly Hollows has a whole chunk of the book where the entire plot is “we have no food”, presumably because they forgot that every single person in the entire fucking world is a slug vending machine.

“Hey guys, I got lunch!”

In fact, Deathly Hollows has people mentioning that “we can’t generate food out of thin air!”. WELL GEE, HOW ABOUT THAT SPELL THAT GIVES YOU FREE SLUGS. Or are we just talking about the “nice looking” food?

Yes, I know it’s disgusting,  but I think hanging out with Ron is an acceptable price for solving WORLD HUNGER.

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