Doctor Who: The Board Game!

27 Nov

Guess what I bought today?

Alright, take whatever you just said, and make it 5 times nerdier. If you did your math right (carry the two), then you should say Monopoly: Doctor Who Edition!

Wait, this exists? How? And why?

I am such a fanboy that I actually bought a copy of a game I own, JUST to have Doctor Who characters on it! And it’s Monopoly, of all things! According to the Nerd Index, I should have my head in a junior high toilet, around the clock!

The game pieces have all been retooled for this monument to geekery, giving us the second Doctor’s recorder (wait, he has a recorder? Man, the old show was weird.), the fifth Doctor’s celery (like, really weird), the fourth Doctor’s scarf (a classic!), the sonic screwdriver, the seventh Doctor’s umbrella, and the eleventh Doctor’s bow tie (dibs!).

The board itself is set up by monsters, instead of by episodes or era, which I think is a pretty nice way to unite the fan base. There’s a section for the Daleks, the Sontarans. the Silurians, the Master, the Ice Warriors, the Cybermen, the Autons, a couple of Galifreyans and to anybody who doesn’t know Doctor Who, this must sound like complete gibberish.

Well, it is, but it’s British gibberish (or “britterish) so we let it fly.

The only notable monsters missing are the Weeping Angels and the Silence. But the Weeping Angels are understandable, as they’ve only been in the show for the last little while. And for the Silence, well, I’m sure they just forgot.

Wait, what were we talking about?

But it seems that when they were adapting this game for Doctor Who, they missed a couple of things.  For example, they still use houses and hotels, which is a bit confusing. I honestly doubt that the Daleks would let you put a hotel on them. But if you did, I’d bet it’d have a fuck load of vacancies.

“Hey, I saw a bug in my room.”

“A BUG?! WE WILL HAVE TO EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!”

“…”

“…”

“So, what’re you going to do.”

“CALL AN EXTERMINATOR, NATURALLY.”

 

But the worst, absolutely worst thing are the cards. Whoever wrote these things obviously has only a passing knowledge of the show. It has things like “Your TARDIS is fined for driving in the oncoming lane. Pay the fine.” or “You won a gardening contest with a rare orchid. Take some prize money”. Wow, that’s… that’s really the best you can do?

Not, “You killed every Dalek in the universe for the billionth fucking time. Here, take some money because why the hell not”. Or, maybe, “You accidentally pushed your companion down the stairs. Whoops. Buy her lunch to make up to her”. Or, my personal favourite, “You’re about to regenerate. Be a whiny bitch about it and spend 5 turns moping till radiation dusts your springy ass and we replace you with Matt Smith”.

Sorry, still sore about that.

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