E-D-F! E-D-F!

28 Nov

It’s time to grab a rocket launcher, switch on your horrible dubbing and put on your bug stomping boots, cause we’re talking about EDF, motherfuckers! 

Earth Defence Force 2017 was the first game in the “Earth Defence Force” series released in North America. Three guesses to what it’s about, just from the title.

Okay, whoever said “cooking simulator”, go sit in the corner.

I found this game years ago, in a dusty, desolate corner of my video rental place. I rented it on the grounds that it looked like it had a robot in the background, and that’s apparently all I needed. “Robots= high class entertainment”, evidently.

Putting Japanese at the end of your title makes it EXTREME!

I took the game home, and popped it in. The game starts with no story at all, just a shot of a flying saucer. Then, we open to me, Mister Nameless protagonist, walking down an empty street while my radio chatters incessantly. Finally, I get to the red blinking dot on my radar, and… it’s ants.

Yup. Ants. The main enemies in this game… are ants.

Wait, did I say ants?

I meant ANTS. ANTSANTSANTSANTS.

Super ants. Mega ants. Giant alien acid spewing super mega hyper delicious chocolatey fudge brownie earth shatteringly fantastic and incredibly well endowed… ants.

Did I mention there are ants yet?

This game is kind of like what happens when you lock 2 game designers in a shed with nothing but paint fumes. One wanted to make a game about giant bugs squishing Japan, and the other wanted to make a game about giant robots squishing Japan, so they made a game that’s 50% of each. And 100% insane.

There is no plot. No characters. Nothing of any substance. Just you, 2 guns, a hoard of alien monsters, and Japan. Just like a normal Friday night!

BUG DUM TSH.

Every building can be destroyed with a single rocket, and it would be a nice feature, if I ever did it on purpose. It’s always like, “hey look, a giant spider! I should kill it. Whoops, accidentally slaughtered an entire preschool. Butterfingers!”

“Oh, I’m so silly! Hah hah. Anyway, you’re all dead.”

As you go about, saving the world by means of mass murder, you are accompanied with a collection of Earth Defence Force soldiers. And I swear, these guys got their audio at fucking gunpoint. They talk in a spectacular monotone, as if they’re just talking around the water-cooler as they fight and die.

“Yay, killed one.”

“Got another one.”

“They’re out of range.”

“Reloading.”

“Oh my. I am dead. That is not a good thing for me to be.”

Okay, I made that last one up, but could you really tell?

But, the best thing has to be this: the power-ups. When you kill something, you have a chance of gaining a power-up.

And.

They’re.

TWO DIMENSIONAL.

A three dimensional game, with a two dimensional power-up.

YES. I NOW KNOW THIS THING CALLED LOVE.

This game is like a bizarre concoction of pure Japanese insanity, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Buy it now, or I will lose all respect for you and punch you.

Right in the taint.

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