My Alarm Clock Wants Me Dead

7 Dec

That title should be the title of a Goosebumps book. Ooh, or maybe a Lifetime original movie!

My alarm clock sits on my bookcase. Staring at me. Blinking red. Doing evil things, like giving the time.


Insert dramatic music here.

Like this, but EVILLER.

Now, it takes a lot for me to declare something as evil. I kidnap girlfriends, eat babies and I don’t leave tips, so rest assured that I am not over-exaggerating.

I mean, look at that title! Would an over-exaggerating man write that?

Didn’t think so!

I turned the silly (evilly silly!) thing on, and instead of a country music station which is what it is usually set at (wait, I have it set for a country station? WHY.), it began threatening me.

“God will strike you down, and the devil will roast you in hell! The apocalypse is upon us, and the sinners will be cast down in to darkness! Burn! Burn! You will all bur-”

That’s about when I switched it off.

Oh, and to make the whole thing even more surreal, my radio was static-y, making the entire thing seem like a sermon in Silent Hill. A superbly serious sermon situated in spooky and scary Silent Hill!

I am making up these religious references off the top of my head.

“Hello, would you like a communion wafer?”

What could it have been? Was my alarm clock possessed by Satan? Was it a warning of things to come? Is my alarm clock the oracle of Delphi? Maybe my alarm clock is-

Wait a second, it was probably just a late night Christian sermon.


What a delight.


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