Justin Bieber Murder Plot?!

13 Dec

“Justin Bieber Murder Plot”, says the newspaper front page.

“Wow, really? Somebody’s plotting to murder Justin Bieber? I can get behind that!”

I leaned in, reading the fine print.

“Oops, never mind. It was thwarted.”

Okay, let’s make this clear: I don’t hate Justin Bieber. He just seems like your average completely unbearably obnoxious pop singer. But goddammit, somebody needs to pay for “Eenie Meenie Miny Mo Lover”!

I didn’t shed a tear for Michael “Smooth Criminal” Jackson, I will not be weeping for Justin “Insert High Pitched Whine Here” Bieber. But hey, apparently he’s not dead. Bieber fans rejoice, I guess.

WHY IS POUTING?!

Yay?

Apparently this “plot” was hatched by a man in prison named Dana Martin (Wait, I thought Dana was a girl’s name?) who was so infatuated with Bieber that he had a tattoo of him on his leg.

Man, that must be awkward in prison.

“Bend over, bitch. I have to do unspeakable things to your butt.”

“Whaaaat? I’m not the bitch, you’re the bitch!”

“You have a tattoo of Justin Bieber on your leg.”

“…”

“That’s what I thought.”

Anyway, Dana (heh heh heh) convinced two men to try to kill Bieber, his bodyguard and 2 other people in New York. Unfortunately, they took a wrong turn and somehow ended up in Canada because apparently their G.P.S was Bugs Bunny.

What's up, baby baby baby OH!

“I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque. To kill Justin Bieber.”

Mr. Dana (his parents must be so cruel) wanted all 4 victims, including Bieber, strangled with a paisley tie. Because, you know, ugly neck-wear is the epitome of cruel. In fact, Hitler himself spearheaded the “sending people unwanted ties on their birthdays” movement, a movement that led to the death of millions. It’s true!

Maybe.

It's all a matter of tieming.

Oh god, it’s got a knife!

Our deadly Dana also offered $2, 500 to his accomplices for… oh god.

He wanted the first 2 victims castrated, with $2, 500 per testicle. He… he wanted Justin Bieber’s testicles.

EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW.

First of all, why do you want them? Are you planning on eating them to gain his musical talent? I’m pretty sure you’re out of luck there, chief!

Second of all, did you really think $10, 000 was really enough to make 2 people cut off and then cart around Justin Bieber’s balls? There is not enough money in the world for that.

And finally, you are going to hell for making me think this much about Justin Bieber’s genitals!

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