Kill Me Maybe

16 Dec

Being one of the few people in 2012 not currently preoccupied with Christmas shopping or the impending armageddon, I’ve had a chance to sit around, relax, and engage in playful pillow fights with my nubile slave boys.

And I’ve noticed something: this year’s pop music has been dominated by a series of hyper-massive super songs. It started with the vaguely irritating “We Are Young”, then it moved to the naked indie rockish “Somebody That I Used To Know”, followed by the brain destroying monstrosity that was “Call Me Maybe”, and finally we have “Gangnam Style”, a song so big that it pre-empted the Super Bowl and became our national anthem.

(Okay, it’s possible I dreamt that last part.)

Now, out of all those songs I just listed, I liked exactly one of them. The rest of the songs were either “razor blades in my penis” or “painfully bland”.

Guess which one “Call Me Maybe” is.

Fuck this song.

This song is the reason I got caller I.D.

When “Call Me Maybe” hit the scene, I was forced to listen to it a minimum of 19 billion times (and I’ve done the math and that isn’t even mathematically possible) before the stupid thing finally died. But, in the words of a great man, “It’s a trick. Get an axe.”

(Bruce Campbell is the new Jesus.)

So, here is my final “fuck you” to this stupid, over-played, mind-destroyingly catchy song. (By the way, I’m not going to embed it. Consider it my own personal Christmas gift to you.)

Here’s the opening lyrics: “I threw a wish in the well, don’t ask me, I’ll never tell.”

You won’t tell me what? That you threw a wish in the well? You just did! Do you have Alzheimers, or are you just incredibly drunk?

There are a lot of these.

This is… disturbingly apropos.

I looked to you as it fell, and now you’re in my way.”

Is that a come on, or a threat? “You’re in my way, motherfucker. Eat lead!”

“I’d trade my soul for a wish, pennies and dimes for a kiss.”

So you’d trade your soul to bang this guy? And if you’re paying him “pennies and dimes” for a kiss, does that make him a whore? And, more importantly, am I the only one on earth who’s actually paying attention to these lyrics?

“I wasn’t looking for this, but now you’re in my way.”

“No, I wasn’t looking for this man, but I was fully prepared to sell my soul for him. God, my motivations are poorly defined.”

“Your stare was holdin’, ripped jeans, skin was showin’, hot night, wind was blowin, where do you think you’re going baby?”

PRONOUNCE YOUR DAMN ‘N’S! And if his jeans are “ripped”, then I am afraid to tell you, Miss Jepsen, that they are bad jeans. Buy that man some new pants. 

And pardon my squirrelly ignorance, but aren’t pants supposed to, you know, cover things? Unless this song is taking place at a damned Chippendale show, why are “scantily clad legs” such a great fantasy? That’s like a man fantasising about a woman in tiny shorts that don’t really cover anything and I think I just answered my own question.

“Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number, so call me, maybe.”

Why is this crazy?

No, seriously. Of course you’re going to give your number to somebody you just met, why else would you be giving them their number?

“Jack, we’ve been dating for so long, almost 4 years… I have something to give you.”

“Oh, Sally, what is it?”

“It’s… my phone number!”

“Oh, thank god, I was getting tired of trying to communicate with you with carrier pigeons and smoke signals.”

Pigeons are disturbingly erotic.

“Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my pigeon, so please feed it well and make sure it gets back to me.”

“It’s hard to look right, at you baby, but here’s my number, so call me, maybe?”

Why is it hard to look at him? Is he a basilisk? Is he COVERED IN BLOOD?

“And all the other boys, try to chase me, but here’s my number, so call me, maybe?”

WOW. That is the most blatant, transparent, out of nowhere girly-girl fantasy I have ever seen. You might as well just stop the song and say “I am the greatest and everybody loves me and I am sexy”.

Which is how I say hello, actually.

“You took your time with the call, I took no time with the fall.”

Wait, she’s falling? Why is she falling? What’s going on? I’m so confused! Why are we falling?! 

Are we falling through time?! Falling in to the Twilight Zone?! FALLING IN TO HELL ITSELF?!

Oh, she means “falling in love”. Never mind!

I want that hat!

Whoops!

“I beg, and borrow and steal, have foresight and it’s real, I didn’t know I would feel it, but it’s in my way.”

So, in the space of single song, she has sold her soul, “fallen” down an undisclosed height, stolen, and has apparently discovered the ability to look in the future.

“Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad, I missed you so bad, I missed you so, so bad.”

Whoa. You know, I was just joking about her being able to look in to the future, but she apparently missed this guy before she knew him. 

So, that’s “Call Me Maybe”, give or take a couple of repeating lines. And, was it really that bad?

Yes. Yes it was. It was completely and utterly reprehensible.

But do you want to know what’s worse? THE YOUTUBE PAGE COMMENT SECTION.

[Cue dramatic music.]

(I’m sorry, I could only go so long before embedding this dumb video.)

It’s filled with morons, twats, and people there just for self advertisement. I could spend hours just reading this comment section and weeping uncontrollably.

“she is prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrddddddddddd­dddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy”

See what I mean?

“He is such a fag i wode of fuck that girl”

I love it when I “wode of fuck” that girl!

“Omg this is the best somng ever”

You… you couldn’t even spell “song” right? You ADDED a letter! It “wode” actually take less effort to just SPELL IT CORRECTLY.

“i love is music”

Ah, yes, you love “is” music so much that you can’t even be bothered to capitalize anything. Truly, this is a love for the ages.

And do you want to know what the really, really sad thing is? When I was done looking through the comment section for stupid things (of which there are a natural abundance), I went back to the top, and it said “38 New Comments. Would You Like Me To Show Them?” (Why else would I be in the comment section if I didn’t want to see them?)

38 comments in 10 minutes. And guess what, I checked them! AND THEY’RE ALL JUST AS STUPID.

Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome the upcoming apocalypse, on the sole condition that they kill this fucking song. 

NAILED IT.

“Hey, I just met you, the world is rending, but here’s my number, this song’s unending.”

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6 Responses to “Kill Me Maybe”

  1. QueridaJ December 17, 2012 at 5:04 pm #

    Thank you for saying out loud and clear what many of us have suffered through…I so very much agree.

    • averystrangeplace December 17, 2012 at 5:06 pm #

      You have no idea how good writing this felt. It was like pulling out a year long ear splinter.

      • QueridaJ December 17, 2012 at 5:07 pm #

        is that the splinter you used to kill the ear worm?

      • averystrangeplace December 17, 2012 at 5:13 pm #

        Yeah, and the music video is the… larva? Man, this metaphor is falling apart.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. It’s Never A Good Time « A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 14, 2013

    […] intensely indifferent to me and I hate it passively. Unless, of course, it makes a song like Call Me Maybe, made by one Carly Rae Jepsen, singer and part time Elder […]

  2. ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY SPECTACULAR! « A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 7, 2013

    […] I love to hate pop songs! […]

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