Freshly Riffed 14: [Insert Witty Title Here]

17 Dec

Welcome back to Freshly Riffed, the only web series powered by the great beyond!

When you read the abyss, the abyss reads back. And then it shares on Facebook.

Anyway, Freshly Riffed is where I make fun of the titles of Freshly Pressed blog posts and MAN, I need to come up with a zingier way to say that. Maybe I’ll use hand puppets, I don’t know.

Ahem.

When A Person Dies: Jesus, internet, you’re emo today! Are you going to start listening to Simple Plan and dying your hair black? Hah hah hah! It’s funny because I called you emo!

Wait, this is incredibly inappropriate, isn’t it? Um. Crap. Sorry?

Today We Mourn: Okay, now you’re just teasing me.

Joy: “And winner of the “Blandest Title Ever” award goes to… this guy! Here, take your bowl of complimentary oatmeal.”

I cannot stand this stuff.

Don’t spend it all in one place.

What I Can’t (And Can) Understand: A Teacher’s Reflection: You know something is bad when you can’t even understand your own reflection. 

Of Cigarettes And Swing Sets: “OH GOD THE SWING SET’S ON FIRE! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? I MEAN, SWING SETS ARE USUALLY MADE OF METAL NOWADAYS EXCEPT WHEN THEY HAPPEN TO BE MADE OF PLASTIC AND OH GOD NOW I’M ON FIRE TOO WHAT AN UNFORTUNATE TURN OF EVENTS!”

Hung Up On Time: “Hey, man, 2011 is on the phone.”

“Oh god, not her again. I borrowed her hedge clippers and haven’t given them back yet. Just hang up.”

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

“Look, I have a lot of hedges to clip. Time hedges. It’s complicated.”

How Will I Raise My Children?: A necromancer usually helps.

HAH HAH DEAD BABY JOKES.

Superstorm Or Super Disappointment: Are We Sadistic About Natural Disaster?: No, but I am masochistic about natural weather.

“Rain on my face baby… then tell me I’m bad.”

In Defence Of Peter Jackson: The Value Of Interpretation: I don’t think anybody needs to “defend” Peter Jackson. He controls Lord Sauron, Shelob the spider, and ultimate, undying force of Lord Of The Rings fan-boys, I think he can handle himself just fine.

An Unexpected Christmas Present: Surprise! It’s Adolf Hitler!

That man had a fine moustache.

Is that a Hitler in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

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