Welcome To The Apocalypse

20 Dec

Congratulations, everybody. Welcome to the apocalypse. Here, take your complimentary beer.

Chug! Chug! Chug the alt text!

The world will end, humanity will crumble, time itself will shatter, the universe will undergo heat death, but there will always be beer.

I checked my contract, and I am legally required to mention the “Mayan 2012 Apocalypse” at least 30 more times this year. Which, given that this year will apparently end tomorrow, I’m kind of pressed for time.

We have a few hours before the end times, so get ready for the… (pause for effect)… lightning round! 

What should you do before the apocalypse? Have freaky weird sex that’s illegal in 33 countries! But not Molossia. That place is kinky as hell.

I can't actually believe this place exists.

Yes I realize Molossia is actually a micro-nation and not a real country I DON’T CARE.

What should you do during the apocalypse? Wrap yourself in bubble wrap and roll down a grassy hill! Hey, you might as well go out doing what you love. And if “bubble wrap and rolling down hills” is not your favourite thing, then do whatever your favourite thing is and pretend that YOU HAVE A SOUL.

What should you do after the apocalypse? You… you really don’t know what “apocalypse” means, do you? “End of the world”? You’re an optimistic fucker, aren’t you?

Okay, IF you survive the apocalypse, you must immediately throw a week long rave. Make sure to make it as chaotic and dangerous as possible, filled with explosions, medical grade aspirin and vanilla vodka. Look, if the end of the world didn’t hurt you, a vanilla vodka Valomag Volcano is probably not going to do any harm.

Why is it on fire?

Full disclosure: I literally just googled “drink starting with a V” to finish this joke. NO REMORSE.

And, on the off chance that this whole “2012” apocalypse thing is incredibly stupid, spend the evening getting incredibly drunk, JUST so you can make “the hangover’s worse than the apocalypse” jokes. LOOK, WE’LL ONLY GET TO MAKE THESE JOKES ONCE.

And this has been “Welcome To The Apocalypse”, with Erik! Feel free to check back next time, where we’ll talk about 6 ways to survive the zombie apocalypse with only a spork!*

*No, we will not be doing that. 


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