Everyday I’m Suffering

22 Dec

In the last couple of days, I’ve watched The Hobbit, lived through the apocalypse, got in a fight with a spider, and in a couple of days, it’s Christmas!

It’s clear what I must do.

I must review an old scary Xbox game that only I care about!

This is a HORRIBLE idea.

That doesn’t look comfortable.

The Suffering was a survival horror game made by Midway, released in 2006 for the Xbox, PlayStation 2, and Windows. Now, I was about nine years old when this thing came out, which is pretty much the perfect age to get coated in gore by monstrosities from beyond the veil of time and space!

(That is the worst metaphor for sex ever.)

The plot is simple, which is probably the only reason my 9 year old mind remembers it. A man named Torque has been convicted of murdering his entire family. He claims to have blacked the whole thing out, but for some reason, the legal system has trouble accepting the testimony of a man covered in the gore and guts of his children!

Psh. Republicans. 

So all is not well for Mister Torque! He’s been sent to the Abbott State Penitentiary on Carnate Island, a place which apparently doesn’t actually exist. That makes me strangely sad.

This is the grey map... OF FEAR!

I once wrote a fan-fic about this place and the Big Bad Wolf. SHUT UP I WAS NINE.

Before Torque can be executed (but after five minutes of expositions), calamity strikes. Horrible creatures dubbed the “Malefactors” start popping out of the walls, murdering everyone with less personality than Torque. And considering that Torque is mute, that’s quite a fucking accomplishment.

The thing that makes The Suffering shine is the atmosphere. Other than the Malefactors, you see hallucinations, shadows, ghosts, and things that just flat out do not make sense. They claim that their inspiration while making this game was The Shining, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you can find a bear blowing some guy in a hotel room.

(Seriously, what was with that guy?)

Honestly, Kubrick, how high were you when you filmed this scene?

As Torque tries to escape Carnate, he is haunted by the Malefactors, his past, and three ghosts. No, they’re not the ghosts of Christmas past, but wouldn’t that be awesome?!

No, instead, he’s haunted by Horace, a whiny ghost trapped in the electrical system, Hermes, a ghost made of toxic gas who sounds like he orgasms on every syllable, and Doctor Killjoy, who can only appear in projections, and appears to be channelling Vincent Price. Hey, there are worse people to channel. Like Jerry Lewis!

Okay, it’s time like this I wish this was video instead of text. It’s kind of hard to do a “Doctor Killjoy” and a “Jerry Lewis” impression via words.

Also, is that Stephen King?!

DAMN YOU JERRY LEWIS! YOU’VE IMPEDED MY PROGRESS FOR THE LAST TIME!

Alright, I’ve ranted about a blow-job giving bear (a bear-job?) and Jerry Lewis, but now it’s time to rant about what I really wanted to talk about: the Malefactors. HOT DAMN, these things are cool. They’re cooler than a snowman in a glacier on Pluto in space.

I like them, is my point.

Each Malefactor is based off a method of execution. Like the Slayer, a neck-less, spider-mummy with blades for limbs. He represents decapitation, and also having your hands and feet replaced with blades. Because apparently that’s how that works!

He can slay if he wants to, he can slay your friends behind...

He can also apparently dance!

On the opposite side of the “so fucking cool” scale in the Nooseman, a lynched corpse with no legs, hanging from the ceiling. Because if there’s anything you think of when you think “deadly”, it’s an eviscerated corpse with a broken neck!

Seriously, who designed that, the world’s biggest pansy? An unborn fetus? A Sunday school teacher?

BUH DUM TSH.

Oh wait, actually, it was Stan Winston, the guy who worked on Aliens, the Predator series, and even the Terminator movies! Um. Sorry, Mister Winston. Please don’t come back to life and kill me with your zombie powers!

Anyway, we also got the Marksman (representational of a firing squad), a fleshy, blindfolded son of a bitch, with rifles instead of backhair. God knows what he has for pubes.

Is that a bayonet in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Still, he’s smiling. He’s so happy to kill you!

Man, he’s stuck with single-shot rifles? One day, somebody’s gonna show him a machine gun and it will blow his mind.

Still, he’s a pretty good shot for a blindfolded guy.

And the last in my long line of “monsters I decided to mention because I could find cool pictures” is the Burrower, a guy wrapped in chains and a body-bag. Well, I’m sure a buried guy wrapped in sheets can’t possibly be frightening-

I'm HOOKED do this picture! Get it? Get it?

OH JESUS.

Wait, the Malefactor wrapped in a bag (As in, he can’t use his limbs) gets 5 hook-limbs?! Lucky!

Well, okay. He’s the exact opposite of lucky. He’s a resurrected ghost of a man buried alive, trapped between the folds of life and death. But he looks cool, and isn’t that enough?!

Actually, “he looks cool, isn’t that enough” is how I’d pretty much describe The Suffering. Cool monsters plus cool weapons plus cool island equals a cool game. (Because there’s nothing scarier than math.)

It’s funny; I’ve blathered on and on about the monsters, but I’ve barely mentioned the game-play. But that’s just how it is. The Malefactors give this game a unique flavour, like a blood soaked cherry on a chocolate sundae. I mean, can you imagine if they replaced them with zombies? Or vampires?! Hell, imagine Twilight with these things!

Don't drop the soap in a monster shower.

I have to say, I actually like this Bella better. 

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