Prototype 2 VERSUS Les Miserables!

31 Dec

IN ONE CORNER: a video game about destroying an armada of zombies with your horrible shapeshifting super powers!

IN THE OTHER CORNER: a movie adaptation of a classic musical about French people!

AND IN THE LAST CORNER: a writer who hasn’t written anything substantial for a few days so I’m making crap up!

(Wait, why are there only 3 corners shouldn’t there be 4 corners OH SHUT THE HELL UP. Maybe it’s a triangle, I don’t know.)

If I felt like doing this with any semblance of professionality, I might say ROUND ONE: STORY.

Prototype 2 is about a zombie infection in New York, because seriously, fuck New York. Zombie mutants roam the city, and an evil government organization called Blackwatch are hanging around, shooting autistic kids, infecting fetuses and other pointlessly evil things because they’re apparently staffed entirely by Saturday Morning cartoon villains.

James Heller (the protagonist, by the way) is sent in to kill Alex Mercer, super zombie extraordinaire (think “John Carpenter’s The Thing” meets “The Hulk”) but that doesn’t go well. Alex turns Heller in to another super zombie, which was… not his best idea, admittedly. Presumably, he was distracted with gluing more spikes on his wanking hand.

Wow, that's a great mental image.

It’s like he’s fisting a wood-chipper.

Les Miserables, on the other hand, is about the life of Jean Valjean, played by Hugh Jackman. He steals a loaf of bread and goes to jail for 19 years because the 18th century French government is run entirely on baguettes.

(BEST GOVERNMENT EVER.)

Of course, Jean is is haunted by the ghosts of the bread, and his life is filled with sewers, rebellions, Jevart the cop, and prostitutes which is, in a mad coincidence, also my recipe for pumpkin pie.

Out of the two, I have to give the point to Prototype 2, on the grounds that Les Miserables story felt very slow, and the ending was stupid. (Apparently the afterlife is just the French Revolution. Wait, what?!)

WINNER: PROTOTYPE 2

ROUND 2: SOUNDTRACK

Now, Les Miserables is a famous musical, with hundreds of versions around the world, AND an original book! Truly, it is a classic.

So… is it wrong to say that I don’t actually like the songs?

Still, though, I have to give this one to Les Miserables on the simple fact that if I don’t, a thousand musical theatre troupes will break down my door and give me a well choreographed curb stomp.

WINNER: LES MISERABLES (of course they’re the winner, it’s a freaking musical)

FINAL ROUND: ENJOYMENT 

Les Miserables biggest problem is… (dramatic pause)… it’s really boring. Like, dangerously boring. They have a 5 minute shot of someone’s face. Just their face. While they sing to themselves. I’ve seen more dynamic camera work at a fucking portrait gallery. 

Prototype 2, on the other hand, is a video game. Which means, if I feel like staring at a women’s bosom (that makes up, like, 90% of Les Miserables run time), I can do so. But if I feel like flinging a toddler off the Empire State Building, well, I can also do that!

I guess this pointless comparison really comes down to this: can I fling toddlers off the Empire State Building in Les Miserables?

WINNER: PROTOTYPE 2

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