Dear Aliens

3 Jan

Dear aliens, hi! How are you? I’m good, especially after you, you know, kept me awake all fucking night!

Sorry, I guess that maybe sounded a bit angry. But I’m sure you don’t remember what happened, up there in your spaceship. After all, I’m sure you had a busy evening probing anuses, which, to be fair, sounds like a pretty bitchin’ time.

It was midnight, if you’ll recall, when you flew by my window. It was New Year’s Eve, and I was tired from the yearly celebratory orgy. I was also bloated on oven fajitas, but that’s another story. A 600 page essay, to be precise, on the nature of fajitas and their relationship with gastrointestinal distress. But again, I digress.

Your ship was not very impressive, it was just a red light with another red light stuck on the end like somebody confused a Lite Brite with a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, but I’ll still try to be afraid of you.

In your infinite wisdom, you buzzed by my window, shining light in to my burning retinas. I was filled with several conflicting emotions: what was going on? Do aliens really exist? Were there more fajitas in the other room? Alas, none of these answers came easily. (Except for that last one. There were.)

After a moment, you left. Admittedly, a little anticlimactic.

But then, 5 minutes later, as if by magic, you appeared again! Truly, it was a cause for celebration. Well, it would have been, if you hadn’t, you know, BLINDED ME. AGAIN. AND WOKE ME UP. AGAIN.

FUCK.

Sorry, sorry, lost my composure. Anyway, you buzzed by, did a barrel roll around a jet and dashed back under cover of darkness.

And then you did it again.

And again.

Andagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainandagainand sorry, I think I’m rambling again.

Anyway, next time you decide to sputter around, gazing for anuses (that’s my new band name), please avoid my fucking (sorry, sorry) window.

Thanks anyway!

Sincerely, Erik.

(PS. FUCK.)

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