Is That John Wayne Gacy In Your Pants?

9 Jan

I have several rules for staying in haunted houses, and this Asylum film breaks all of them. Rule 1: Never have sex on the bed of John Wayne Gacy. Because you will be ghost-raped.

I really, really wish I was making that up.

8213 Gacy House, an absolutely golden title for those looking for easy number swapping gags, is another found footage Asylum film. It’s better than The Amityville Haunting but not quite as insane as Nazis At The Center Of The Earth and it has much better effects than Megashark Versus Crocosaurus and holy hell, I’ve seen way too many Asylum films!

I need a hug.

Anyway, unlike the other Asylum “films”, this one doesn’t rip-off a more popular film. No, this time they go for an entire genre! 90210 Gacy House is like if every ghost hunter T.V show ever made got caught in some bizarre teleporter accident.

Slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant.

Because putting numbers in front of your title is cool, kids.

7 paranormal investigators decide to set up shop in John Wayne Gacy’s house to search for ghosts. Despite the fact that this could never, ever, possibly be a good idea, they decide to go ahead anyway. After all, they have some precautions. Like the big breasted psychic, or the teenage boy!

Wait, you decided to bring along a teenager while you investigated the house of an infamous paedophile serial killer?! You are so fucking dead and I’m not even going to care when you get ghost raped.

(Don’t worry, we’ll get to that soon.)

Alright, let’s get this film’s positive parts out of the way first so I don’t have to think about them too much. The acting is decent, I actually like a few lines, there’s a couple of really tense scenes, and the actors are fairly believable.

Can I get back to being an unpleasant asshole yet?

I can? Yay!

SO MOTHERFUCKING PLEASANT

Look at the pleasant shade of green! Yay!

Despite the fact that these “ghost hunters” have apparently been “on tour”, not a single one of them believes the ghost of John Wayne Gacy is actually there and even when they do start to believe, they don’t even like it! I swear, I wish I was there so I could pick these people up and say “Look, morons, you’re the ones who decided ‘hey let’s fuck with dead serial killers’ so don’t come crying to me when you get stuck in a horrible Asylum film. Or dead, one or the other”.

Actually, that sounds like a great idea: I should be in this movie! That way, when two of the characters decide to bang on Gacy’s bed, I can say, “You… you do realize we have cameras, like, everywhere, right? We can totally see you going at it. After all, I’ve masturbated to it 5 times already.”

And when the big breasted psychic tries to tempt Gacy’s ghost with the shirt of a 15 year old boy, I could say, “Wait, how exactly did you get that? Did you just walk up to your neighbour and say ‘hey, can I have your shirt? It’s a gift for paedophile.’ and if you did, could I see that tape instead of this movie? That soundfreaking hilarious.”

And when the psychic decides to summon Loki (wait, what?) by walking like the Frankenstein monster in to a door, I might just sigh and start curb-stomping her.

And when the camera zooms in on the psychic’s very, very fake breasts for a full minute, I could take a lighter to them and see if the silicone ignites.

GAZE AT THEM. THEY CONTROL YOU.

Wait, does silicone ignite? Oh, screw it, here’s some boobs.

And when Gacy decides to strip the psychic, making her scrabble around the floor jiggling, I could say, “Wait, wasn’t Gacy gay? And a paedophile?”

And when Gacy decided to levitate the teenager and pants him before dragging him down in to the crawlspace where he is later found dead of  internal bleeding due to extreme anal penetration, well then, I could say, “Oh. Never mind!”

Seriously, you need to watch 8008135 Gacy House. I got more enjoyment out of the last 10 minutes than I did the entire Paranormal Activity series.

Besides, do you know another place you can find John Wayne Gacy telekinetically boinking some teenager named Gary?

Okay, that one episode of Pokemon, but other than that!

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9 Responses to “Is That John Wayne Gacy In Your Pants?”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Hot Gay Sex: The Movie « A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 6, 2013

    […] worse than ghost rape. Yes, worse than Mecha Hitler. And yes, even worse than the deep fried rape […]

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    […] I feel I should censor this, but I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the boobs, but that’s never stopped me before, ahem. […]

  3. Whale-y Of A Tale-y: An Asylum Review | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 8, 2013

    […] So, despite McGonagall’s specific warning to the contrary, the five teenagers sneak in to the Fishy House after dark to find some ghosts. Once there, they team up with two black guys, one with a hat, and one who’s a crummy psychic. Yeah, because psychics always do so well in these kinds of movies! coughcoughjohnwaynegacyboobimplantscoughcough. […]

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    […] footage films that my fucking eyes are stuck on “motion blur”. I watched a man get fucking ghost […]

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    […] investigators, driving along as they establish their personalities. Goddammit, it’s 90210 Gacy House all over […]

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    […] is it with horrible movies and starting their titles with numbers, anyway? 1313 UFO Invasion, 8213 Gacy House, 666: The Beast, 90210, what, is the terrible movie industry just a big game of […]

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    […] Holy hell, I am completely and utterly fucked, […]

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    […] After a brief pointless scene of the father at work dreaming about Dalton, we get an even briefer one of the mother asleep, before cutting to the mother discussing Dalton with a nurse. “Ma’am, it is under my professional opinion… that this boy has been ghost-raped.” […]

  9. SHOCKING REVELATIONS | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - September 8, 2014

    […] as for Asylum found footage movies that I can’t stand, we just have to look at 8213: Gacy House! Which… why, look at that! Gacy House just so happens to be the second Paranormal Entity […]

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