The Secret Of Terraforming

13 Jan

Science Fiction has this irritating trait of treating alien planets like a village or a continent, with a singular government, belief system and, as is most important in this case, weather system and wow, I could not have found a duller way to put that. SOMEBODY MAKE A FART JOKE BEFORE I GET TOO SERIOUS.

So in Star Wars, they have Tatooine (desert planet), Hoth (ice planet), Cloud City (cloud planet, obviously), and Endor (annoying planet). In Firefly, they have Canton (mud planet) and… okay, that’s the only planet name I actually know. Look, that song was really catchy, okay?!

My favourite examples are Doctor Who, where they not only have a diamond planet (please tell me I’m not the only one who’s still scared of Midnight), but they get an asylum planet and, here’s my favourite, a library planet. The whole planet is just one big library. Presumably if you have too many late fees they destroy Alderaan.

Now, according to my extremely basic understanding of science (fire equals bad), this isn’t how planets should work. I mean, look at Earth: we’ve got hundreds of governments, biomes, and ice cream flavours!

Oh well. I guess I have no ideas for the reasons of this and I don’t know why I brought it up.

Naw, just kidding, of course I have an idea!

The concept of “terraforming”, that is “to make a planet liveable”, doesn’t make much sense. I mean, if a planet was too close or too far from a star, it doesn’t matter how many trees you throw up, you’re still getting either roasted or snowballed. Like one of those stupid microwave burritos, only covered in humans. Delicious, delicious humans.

My thinkin’ (replacing letters with apostrophes is neato, kids) is that whatever happens to these alien planets, whether it be natural, man made or otherwise, keeps it from being ravaged by the stars. (Damn, that sounds cool. I should write that down or something.)

So if a planet is too close to a star, like Mercury, then the resulting planet would be like Tatooine: hot, dusty, but still liveable. And if a planet was too far, like Pluto, you’ll end up with Hoth: colder than a witches tit but still habitable. Cloud City is a gas giant, Endor is a planet with life already on it, so on and so forth.

I’m not entirely sure where the library planets enter the equation, but I’ll think of something eventually.

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