It’s Never A Good Time

14 Jan

I have spent several hours, wasted dozens of scientific tests and used up a quart of hydrochloric acid to come to the following conclusion: I don’t think I like pop music very much.

Truly, a revelation for the years.

Me and pop music generally have a working relationship: it remains intensely indifferent to me and I hate it passively. Unless, of course, it makes a song like Call Me Maybemade by one Carly Rae Jepsen, singer and part time Elder God.

And guess what? She apparently decided to pitch in with Owl City, who I’ve never heard of, to make Good Time!

Oh. What a delight.

“Woke up on the right side of the bed, what’s up with this Prince song inside my head?”

It’s not a good sign when the song itself would prefer to listen to a different song. 

“Hands up if you’re down to get down tonight.”

Is this how sex works? Just walk in to a room and yell “anyone want to bang”?

Does that work?

“Cuz it’s always a good time.”

Oh thanks! I was worried that this random stranger offering promiscuous sex would be sub standard. Man, dodged that bullet. I mean, he wouldn’t lie, would he?

Of course not.

Yay we have our token black guy!

Nobody ever lies ever!

“Slept in all my clothes like I didn’t care, hopped into a cab, take me anywhere.”

“Sir, you do actually have to pick a destination.”

“Nonsense! Take me anywhere, I don’t care.”

“Um. Okay. Do you have any actual money?”

“No. I left my wallet at home. I… sorry, I slept in my clothes.”

“…”

“Wanna get down tonight?”

“Get out.”

Also, why are you sleeping in your clothes? Admittedly, my information is… somewhat limited, but isn’t it easier to have sex naked? Or maybe after you bang, you get up and slip in to a conservative business suit.

I prefer bow ties, but you know. To each their own.

“Hello. Me and my tie are down to get down tonight.”

“I’m in if you’re down to get down tonight cuz it’s always a good time.”

ALWAYS. It is ALWAYS a good time. I could be doused in chilli pepper and castrated by a chainsaw and it will STILL be a good time.

“Good morning and good night, I wake up at twilight.”

Oh trust me, nobody needs to wake up at Twilight.

The hands are pale? My hands are pale! Oh god! I'm Edward Cullen!

The whole world would have been better if we just slept through this.

“We don’t even have to try, it’s always a good time.”

Yeah, THAT works as a pick up line. “Hey, I’m going to put no effort in to sex but it’ll probably be good anyway. Probably.”

“Freaked out, dropped my phone in the pool again.”

The phone hit the water and the pool conducted the charge.

There were no survivors.

“Doesn’t matter when, it’s always a good time then.”

Wait, any “when”? When a bomb is going on? During a nuclear holocaust? At the big bang? While getting eaten by a velociraptor? Inside the heat death of the universe?!

BOOM.

Somewhere in that explosion, Carly Rae Jepsen and some loser are banging. Just think about that.

“Doesn’t matter where, it’s always a good time there.”

Wait, any “where”? Inside the Hindenburg? In the middle of a drive by? 50,000 feet above a volcano? Lodged under a combine harvester? Inside a terrible pop song?!

“Doesn’t matter when, it’s always a good time then, it’s always a good time.”

Whoa! What was that? For a second there, it was like a whole stadium was singing!

So they’re having sex, not putting any effort in it, while fully dressed and in the MIDDLE OF A STADIUM.

Doesn’t matter, had sex.

So that’s Good Time! And… it’s awful. Utterly. Also, I challenge you to watch that video and not feel the urge to smack the stupid grins off their stupid faces.

(Speaking of that video, it has absolutely nothing to do with the song. I’m not saying it would be any better if it DID have something to do with the song, but still.)

I think, after repeated listens, I’ve finally nailed down the “good time” they keep talking about.

The time when this song STOPS PLAYINGThat would be the best time.

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