Meet Anneliese

19 Jan

Fun fact: remember 8213 Gacy House? You know, that horrible found footage ghost movie where the ghost of John Wayne Gacy did unspeakable things to a teenage boy? Well, it’s alternate title was Paranormal Entity 2.

And guess what? There is a Paranormal Entity 3! Also made by Asylum, the world’s biggest supplier of awful rip-offs.

Truly, Christmas came early this year.

It’s actual title is Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes, and it marks, what, the fourth Asylum film I’ve watched? And the third found footage ghost film I’ve actually reviewed on here. That’s… that’s really sad.

Anyway, the film decides to open the way all of these found footage films open: with a string of unadulterated lies! That’s a good sign. They tell us that “this material has not been doctored”, “it was recorded as part of a medical study”, and perhaps most egregiously, “the material contained in this film is real”.

Alex, what do we say about that?

Why are they all so white?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

After it’s done lying, we get in to the actual plot: a young German girl, Anneliese, as apparently gotten possessed by a demon. She spent a couple of weeks at a hospital but after she only got worse, her family took her out of the hospital to get an exorcism. The movie picks up when the doctors come to take her back and video tape everything… for some reason.

The doctors walk in start yelling at one of the priests and… wait a second, I recognize him! That’s the Head Nazi from Nazis At The Center Of The Earth! Does that mean he’s going to use the fetus vacuum to suck the demon out?

Where was I? Oh yeah! The 2 priests (Mr. Bumble and Father Nazi), the 2 doctors (Baldy and the Beard), and the parents all start yelling about what they should do about Anneliese when the girl herself walks in and urinates on the floor and starts licking it up.

Hey, don’t knock it till you try it.

And with that brilliant segue, lemme go off on a tangent. There are 3 kinds of actors in these movies. There’s the one’s who know they’re in a B-movie (Father Nazi comes to mind), the one’s who are just awful (pretty much anybody in The Amityville Haunting) and… then there’s Anneliese.

See, she knows she’s in a B-movie.

And she’s loving every second of it.

Every time she’s on screen, flailing around, screaming and telling everybody their mothers suck cocks in hell, she looks like she’s just having a ball. She is the highlight in this flick, and not just because she has a penchant for killing the other characters.

Oh crap, I shouldn’t have said that.

Um. Spoilers?

Except for giant horns, I guess.

And she’s really pretty too! Damn, it’s every thing you want in a demon.

Speaking of Anneliese, not only should the actor, Nikki Muller, get a freaking award for her demonic vocalisations, but it’s eventually revealed that not only is she possessed by the devil himself, she’s also possessed by Roman Emperor Nero… and Adolph Fucking Hitler.

I knew it, you get Father Nazi in one place for too long and bam, suddenly Hitler.

Anneliese is essentially split in to 3 parts: watching the Father Nazi and the Beard bicker about what to do with Anneliese (it’s really surreal to see the guy who made MechaHitler talk about how useless science is), watching Anneliese be fantastic, and pointless filler. WOOT POINTLESS FILLER.

And… I actually like this movie! And not a “so bad it’s good” kind of deal, I legitimately appreciate this movie. It has decent acting, (marry me, Anneliese), the script is decent, it has some nice death scenes and scares, and the atmosphere is surprisingly thick.

Huh. I actually like an Asylum film. Will wonders never cease?

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6 Responses to “Meet Anneliese”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Is That The Devil Inside Or Are You Just Happy To See Me? | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 2, 2013

    […] first heard of this found footage exorcist film (oh good god not another one) from a trailer in theatre. This was enough to pique my interest, but it got even better when I […]

  2. “The Worst Movie Ever!” | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 12, 2013

    […] watched Little Miss Anneliese suck up her own urine.” I continued. “I watched The Devil Inside which in […]

  3. Getting Plenty Of Exorcise | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 14, 2013

    […] them wholesale?) Nell, is her name and she is neither as cute or as scary or as funny or as hot as Anneliese so she can go spoon a grain thresher for all I […]

  4. V/H/S: The (Obsolete) Ultimate Evil | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - June 24, 2013

    […] group heads upstairs, where they see four old guys exorcising… Anneliese?! BEST CROSSOVER […]

  5. The Tangled Magnetic Strips Of Ultimate Evil! | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - October 19, 2013

    […] Holy hell, I am completely and utterly fucked, […]

  6. SHOCKING REVELATIONS | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - September 8, 2014

    […] what was the third? Why, Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes, of fucking course! It makes sense, those are pretty much the only two Asylum found footage movies […]

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