Top 10 Horror Movie Trailers

20 Jan

Horror movies are, to be honest, often god awful. Let’s face it, for an aspiring film maker, it’s easier to make a cruddy exploitation film like Nazis At The Center Of The Earth then something like Requiem For A Dream, despite the fact that I’m almost positive Requiem For A Dream doesn’t have MechaHitler. Point: Nazis.

So after spending a couple of days rolling around in horror film trailers for mostly awful horror films, I’ve come up with a couple gems. Well. “Gems” is perhaps the wrong word. Maybe “ohgodwhatiseventhehell” is a bit closer.

Ahem.

Number 10: Roid Rage

Can… can somebody tell me what this movie is about? I mean, it has “gangsta” scientists, a chest burster, an old zombie woman, everybody has a gun and… a prostitute offering to do horrible things to some guys butt?

You know, people always make jokes about what happens in Texas but I never actually believed it!

Number 9: The Strangers

First of all: that skipping record thing towards the end was cool.

Second: at about 0:54, where the masked man just kind of stands there? That was the most unintentionally hilarious thing I’ve seen all year.

(It’s January, I’m allowed to say that.)

Third of all: according to everybody I talk to, the intruder says “Because you’re a ho”, which is the bluntest possible motive ever.

“Oh god, you’ve killed everybody and launched the nuclear missiles! Why would you do that?!”

“Because you’re a ho.”

But according to the Wikipedia page, the actual line is “because you were home” which is significantly less funny. Then again, all the villains have weird clown masks, so maybe it’s a comedy!

Number 8: Grave Encounters

MOVIE TRAILERS: STOP SAYING “UNTIL NOW”.

With all these found footage flicks flooding the theatres, every damn trailer has to say “this footage was never found… until now”. Do… do you honestly expect us to believe you? We’re not Pavlov’s damn dogs, we’re not gonna start drooling just because you say “and it’s REALZ, fo’ shizzle”.

“In 2013, Erik talked about horror movie trailers… that post was never found… until now.”

Number 7: Piranha 3DD

Was- was that David Hasslehoff?! And Christopher Lloyd?! AND SOME BLACK GUY WITH MACHINE GUNS FOR LEGS?!

Top it all off with a vagina piranha (vaginaranha), blatant 3-D and scantily clad teenagers, and I think we have a modern masterpiece on our hands.

(Also, there’s an entire water park but only one child? What, did the piranhas eat the others off screen?)

Number 6: ATM

Alright! NEW RULE: If you decide to make “it’s incredible cold” a plot point, give us some actors who actually know what being cold looks like. The only one who actually looks cold is Mister Peter Parka.

BUH DUM TSH.

You gotta love that guy. Our three protagonists are sitting in the ATM booth, so he blocks the door with a car, floods it (wait, where’d he get the water?), sets up a lawn chair and settles down to watch them die. So relaxed! I assume he has a 6 pack and a bag of pretzels off screen.

Number 5: Turn Me On, Goddammit

This one isn’t a horror trailer but goddammit (I’m taking this title as justification for spelling “god damn it” like that), this one’s been following me around for days!

It’s some kind of romantic flick about (Swedish) girls being chastised  for being as sexual beings. That’s… actually kind of refreshing. I mean, in teenage romantic movies, girls are usually stuck as either pure and chaste or sexual beings who realize the “error” of their ways.

There, I’ve talked about you, you stupid trailer. STOP FOLLOWING ME, or I’m grabbin’ a restraining order.

Okay, we’re going back to the “scary” trailers. Now remember, if it gets too scary, just click here. You’ll thank me.

Number 4: YellowBrickRoad

No, this isn’t an incredibly gritty Wizard Of Oz reboot. I know, I’m sad too.

I’ve watched this trailer half a dozen times, and every time, I have only one thing on my mind: why is it called YellowBrickRoad? Are there wizards? Flying monkeys? Does the murderer turn out to be a house flying up and then crashing on the characters? Cause if so, holy fuck, I need to watch this.

And hold on a second, there aren’t even any bricks! It’s a forest trail! This title is 15 kinds of stupid!

Number 3: Mama

Wait, so you’re telling me having a supernatural ghost mother who can kill anything with her ghost powers is considered unusual?

Man, this year’s Mother’s Day is going to be awkward.

Number 2: The Crazies 

Man, people have some bizarre boner for that Mad World song. It’s like the “ironically calm song to play while crazy stuff happens” song of choice.

And let’s face it, who wouldn’t love to have this happen? I mean, sure, you might die or get infected with “the crazies” (Seriously, who came up with that name? That’s ridiculous.) but you’d also be allowed to shoot everybody in the face! It’s a win-win.

And the winner of my “favourite horror cliché” is… the “dragging a sharp object across the wall while you walk because it sounds/looks really cool” cliché! Congratulations, you get a cookie. A knife cookies.

Number 1: Manborg

I… this trailer is… okay, no, I need a minute.

I haven’t had a chance to see this… movie of orgasmic proportions yet, but when I do, I plan to watch it several times and form my own religion around it.

Seriously. Manborg. Spread the word.

 

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3 Responses to “Top 10 Horror Movie Trailers”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Top 10 Worst Movie Trailers « A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 3, 2013

    […] when I looked at movie trailers last time, I stuck with either good trailers, interesting trailers, and horror trailers. (Well, except for […]

  2. Top 10 Horror Movie Trailers, Part 2 | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 23, 2013

    […] as is my usual fall back in situations like this, it’s time to go rolling around the internet, looking for […]

  3. Top 10 Horror Movie Trailers, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 21, 2013

    […] Somebody just watched the trailer for The Strangers! […]

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