Today’s Forecast: Snow With A Chance Of Dead Space 3

30 Jan

Why does anyone ever want to go to space? Space is SERIOUSLY fucked up. I mean, there’s Daleks, space dinosaurs, the Covenant, the Borg, you might run in to the Irken Armada, the Space Core is still floatin’ around, the Observers are dicking about, it is just a bad neighbourhood. 

And now the Dead Space series has added a new threat: space zombies! (Fun fact: adding “space” to anything makes it 5 times more EXTREME.)

EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEME

*cue guitar solo*

Anyway, the demo for Dead Space 3 has recently come out, and I decided to give it a whirl. Now, realistically, trying to review a demo is patently unfair, as it’s not a finished product. But, on the other hand, SHUT THE HELL UP I’M DOING IT ANYWAY.

But first, some background info: Dead Space is a horror video game series, set in the future. See, humanity has taken up the habit of pelvic-thrusting asteroids to oblivion (also known as mining), then carting back anything useful to Earth. But, on the USG Ishimura, they found something… something evil!

DUN DUN DUUUUUN!

They found a Marker, which is the religious symbol of Unitology. It’s also the religious symbol for “holy fuck this thing makes space zombies why did we bring this on board oh no now everybody’s a zombie this was the worst idea ever”.

Isaac Clarke, engineer, stops by at the Ishimura to check if everybody’s okay. Unfortunately, Isaac Clarke has the worst luck and ends up embroiled in zombie guts, before he finally manages to leave, nuking the Marker as he does. But unfortunately for him… it’s not a dry erase Marker!

Dead Space 2 decides to up the ante by having Isaac wake up on a space station called “The Sprawl”, filled with more space zombies. The military decided to try to make their own Marker, which OF COURSE RESULTS IN SPACE ZOMBIES WHAT ELSE DID YOU THINK IT WOULD DO YOU MORONS.

Isaac blows up the second Marker, flies away, and that’s where we are now! Let’s rock this demo, because I’m getting antsy from not killing anything. (Wait, can I call it killing if it’s a bunch of space zombies OH WHO THE HELL CARES.)

The demo starts with a title screen, informing us that this demo “does not represent the quality and appearance of the final product”. Gee, you’re defending yourself a little too soon, demo! I haven’t even PLAYED you yet. You’re apologizing for premature ejaculation before you get your pants off!

Upon hitting start, it flies you to the main menus, where it has a big banner at the top: “THANKS FOR PLAYING DEAD SPACE 3!”

Um. You’re welcome?

When I hit “solo campaign”, I have to sit through a 5 second animation of frozen space zombie chunks flying around. Lengthy animations for absolutely no reason? Not a good sign. You’d think Too Human would have taught you that.

(Don’t ask. It would take me too long, at least the space of three Too Human death sequences, to explain it.)

There, now that I’m done writing my 500 word treatise on the freaking MENU, it’s time to actually play! Well, almost, first I have to sit around, listening to a pleasant sounding British woman thanking me for playing the demo.

Look, I haven’t even given you my money, stop sucking up!

FINALLY, we get to the actual game: a horrible looking (by which I mean bad graphics) and frostbitten Isaac Clarke hanging upside down. He pulls himself down, slips on his cool looking engineering suit, and reveals that he apparently crashed a spaceship on to Hoth.

After wandering around, killing a couple of space zombies (Now they have parkas! That’s good, now they won’t get cold.) and calling out for Ellie, Isaac’s support character from Dead Space 2, we get a quick time event, otherwise known as the worst fucking thing to put in a video game.

(For those not in the know, a “quick time event” is when the game stops, shows you something cool, and you have to hit buttons to actually make the game START again.)

I have to say, fighting in a blizzard is actually really cool. All the space zombies are these desecrated, mutated monstrosities, so it’s REALLY cool when they shamble out of the snow, looking to give you the world’s gooiest hug.

Ewwww.

“Grooooooooooup hug!”

Of course, they drop the “cool blizzard” almost immediately, because they have some bizarre fetish for making things less interesting. (Please tell me that that’s not a real fetish.)

Isaac meets “Carver”, who nobody has ever heard of ever but apparently we’re supposed to know who he is, and we get to tool around with the workbench, a fancy doo-dad that let’s people make their own guns. I’ll fully admit, I have no idea how it works, so I just messed around with it till it looked cool.

(Yeah, I judge things entirely on their cosmetic appearance. It usually works well, except for that one time when I tried to kill an elder god with a whiffle ball bat, painted like a naked woman.)

After I’m gone messing with my tool (AHEM.), I try to take an elevator, which APPARENTLY had a monster on top, despite the fact that “Carver” was standing there, staring at it, not 5 seconds ago, and he still didn’t tell me about it.

I may not know who “Carver” is, but apparently he’s a dick.

I blast the stupid elevator dick monster apart with my new toy (I call him Mr. Shiny!) and continue on my way. I find a corpse, not exactly an oddity in this series, who plays a little radio broadcast about trying to kill me.

Is this entire planet made of dicks?!

I walk in to the new room, and get shot at by non-zombie humans.

Oh. So it is.

dicksdicksdicksdicksdicksdicks

The word of the day: dicks.

Fortunately, some good-old-fashioned space zombies walk out and slap the stupid thugs down, (This is Dead Space 3, not Gears Of War. If I wanted to curb stomp bland morons, I’d go to high school! Or Gears Of War, either or.) allowing me to continue my journey on the Planet Of Dicks.

We then get to see a new baddie: a tentacled head who takes control of bodies and makes them fight. This one hops from corpse to corpse like a Yeerk playing musical chairs, before I finally manage to put him down.

(AND THE WINNER FOR “MOST OBSCURE REFERENCE EVER” GOES TO… ME!)

We meet another workbench, and hey, I think I’ve finally figured out how this works! I use my mad engineering skill (Isaac Clarke’s an engineer, so it’s about time he does some actual engineering work) and attach a fancy knife to one of my guns!

Yes, because if you’re fighting a bunch of space zombies with knifes, you should CLEARLY only use a knife, instead of your fancy gun!

Shut up.

Ellie finally calls back and- wait, Isaac previously expressed confusion about where she was! In this same demo, no less! Did… did we miss a scene where she calls him and says “hey, by the way, I’m still alive”? Or does she just do this all the time, ignoring Isaac while he fights for his life?

Bitch.

A drill happens to be in our way, so I yank it out, leading to the drill “trying to kill me”. (Isaac, why did you say that? IT’S A DRILL, it CAN’T try to kill you. It can’t try ANYTHING, because IT’S A DRILL. You’re the one who decided to walk over and try to stick your dick in it.)

Cue space zombies, who make an excellent meal for my new friend, Drilly McDrill. I toss them in, turning them in to a nice salsa, before skipping along the yellow brick road of zombies.

We wander outside, to a bunch of humans shooting each other. Unfortunately for them, I happened to be wielding Mr. Shiny, and Mr. Shiny does not take kindly to twats.

But suddenly OH MY GOD GIANT MONSTER AHHHHHHHH.

And then he eats everybody. Including the demo, apparently, because that’s the end.

So, how was it?

Well, as much as I like hating things, the Dead Space 3 demo is actually pretty good. But, it is definitely a demo. I can see the awesomeness in here, but it’s bogged down with glitches and logical lapses. It’s kind of like watching a blooper reel before actually watching the movie.

Still, it was a good reel. Give it a try! And, if you’ll excuse me, my never ending search for the Planet Of Dicks continues!

Mr. Shiny will be tagging along, of course.

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One Response to “Today’s Forecast: Snow With A Chance Of Dead Space 3”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Isaac Clarke: The World’s Unluckiest/Luckiest Man « A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 18, 2013

    […] fiction’s saddest man, today we’ll be looking at Dead Space 3! You know, that game whose demo I played? The one about the world’s worst religion who wants to make everybody a space zombie […]

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