Archive | February, 2013

Trial By Fire 2: Yu-Gi-Oh Edition

28 Feb

CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!

What's wrong with your hair?!

Stupid “mandatory joke” laws.

Now that I got that joke out of the way, lets talk about sex, baby video game trials.

The Xbox Live Arcade happens to offer delicious, delicious downloadable video games for those not willing to go to the store. And if you’re not actually sure if you want said game, you can just buy a quick trial, which lets you play a bit of the game to see if you like it. It’s like if you’re not sure you want a hooker, so you just hug a bit first.

The last time I reviewed one of these trials, it… it didn’t exactly go well. (I don’t remember much, but I recall a lot of swearing and dragons. Maybe I played D&D at a Tourettes convention?)

I think my problem was trying to play an indie game. They have plenty of morals, but that doesn’t tend to translate into “oodles of money”. So lets try the exact opposite: a game that does have oodles of money, but with zero morals! Or, in less flowery terms: Yu Gi Oh! 5D’s Decade Duels Plus!

But before we get in to the actual trial, I have to explain a few things (Geez, you’d think I have some kind of exposition fetish): I know very little about Yu Gi Oh. I enjoyed the cartoon, but that’s because it played on 4kids around when Kirby: Right Back At Ya! was on and I would watch literally anything to get to that show.

Kirbykirbykirby's the one!

HE’S MORE THAN YOU THINK, HE’S GOT MAXIMUM PINK!

I memory of the show pretty much boils down to “guy with insane hair plays card games against some guy with an America flag on his head” so there you go. (For those who have absolutely no idea what Yu Gi Oh is, it’s about a world where magic and advanced technology coexist and all matters are solved with card games. Also, bad hair.)

I also remember playing the actual card game with the assholes I grew up with, but my knowledge of that is pretty much limited to “Exodia apparently obliterates” and “fuck Kuribohs”.

(Also, the abridged series rocks.)

But absolutely none of that matters, because this is apparently 5D’s, far in the future from anything I know or even vaguely care about and apparently card games are played entirely on motorcycles.

It's all black and white! EXTREME!

At least, that’s what the internet says.

I hit start and I am suddenly immediately bashed with a near lethal dose of Japan. Anime characters fly across the screen while a generic rock riff plays in the background. Too bad they didn’t add any lyrics.

“YEAH! YOU… ARE PLAY-ING A GAME… ABOUT A CAAAAAARD GAME! YOU COULD JUST PLAY THE CARD GAME… JUST SAYING.”

After selecting “single player”, and watching an overly complex loading screen that makes my head hurt, I get to choose my character icon. Naturally, I choose the girl, because if the rest of anime is any indication, I could just beat my enemies to death with my bosom.

A remarkably grey fellow pops up and tells me I’ll be playing these card games for my freedom, which really raises questions about how this society works. Is it some kind of dystopia where card games are judge, jury and executioner?

I select the tutorial and, no joke, there’s a 17 chapter tutorial. Oh FUCKING hurray, I love having to digest a whole freaking textbook before playing a card game. (You know, this is the reason Quantum Physics: The Game did so badly.)

zzzzzzzzzzz

“Press A to fall asleep!”

The trial drags me through tutorial after tutorial. Look, game, if your dumbass combat system couldn’t be explained in a bloody fortnight, maybe you need a new combat system! 

And maybe one that’s slightly less stupid! I mean, redundancy is fine (they take the time to explain what a “turn” is) but when the phrases “Neo-Spacian”, “Frostosaurus” and “Synchro-Summon”, I am legally required to brain you with a duel disk.

I have to sit through dialogue box after dialogue box and terms and words and rules and regulations and monsters and why the fuck would I ever want to synchro-summon and spell cards and fusion monsters and special summons and WHEN THE HELL DO I GET TO KILL SOMETHING?!

Good god, I can practically feel my brain glaze over. I’m quitting this damn tutorial before I get so bored that I try to shove a duel disk up my nose or eat a Blue Eyes White Dragon or something else.

Finally, the tournament begins. (They take time to explain the rules, but I just skipped over it. I am LETHALLY bored here.) Me and my young opponent Johnny play some “Rock, Paper, Scissors” to see who goes first and I swear the game cheats. He consistently chose the same damn thing I did, so either the game cheats or he’s freaking psychic.

YES I KNOW ABOUT ISHIZU.

Then again, Yu Gi Oh is no stranger to psychics.

When the duel finally commences, it’s a relief to finally get in to the gameplay. Basically, it’s a strategy game. You have monster cards, trap cards, spell cards, the whole shebang. Then, you use the cards to kill the other person’s monsters and destroy their life points! Simple, right?

Okay, look back up to my whining about the rules, do you honestly think it’d be that simple?

There are special summons and synchro-summons and flip summons and modifiers and traps with special conditions and oh fuck this, I’m just going to throw my Junk (Warrior) at him.

Despite the obtuse gameplay and the fact that you need an extra brain to know half of this stuff, once you get in to the rhythm of summoning monsters and spells and such, the game gets kind of exciting! I haven’t had this much fun playing cards since… ever, actually.

But just when things start getting fun, things get bogged down with lack-lustre presentation (Ooh, look at all dem fancy words! Almost as if I’m an actual writer!), controls that curb stomp the flow of the duel, and when the computer is playing, the card descriptions go away too fast to read.

“The dragon can kill an monster when you-”

“If this trap card flips up, your testicles will-”

“This golum shoots a puppy if you-”

“For a good time, call-”

That sounds painful.

“Take this lawn gnome and shove it up your-“

Still, I managed to overcome this sizable disadvantage and used the “I am rubber, you are glue” card and bounced Johnny’s dragon right down his smug fucking throat. Of course, I then had to quip, “Stop dragon this battle out!”

[Cue sit-com laugh track.]

Then we get our second duel… in which I get my ass kicked?! Hey, what?! I’m the main character, I’m not supposed to lose!

Well, it turns out that they gave the second duelist what is commonly known as a “cheating” deck. With the cards he has drawn, he has made it so I literally cannot attack, every turn he makes me get more monster cards from the deck, but if I draw any other card, they get destroyed.

Every turn, he ALSO has a card that deletes five EXTRA cards from my deck. And every time a card gets deleted, he gets 500 points back.

So, literally nothing I do can help. Or effect anything. I can’t fight back, whatsoever.

No. No, no, no, no. I will do many things, but I will not play a game that fucking cheats.

I don’t know, I see how Yu Gi Oh! 5D’s Decade Duels Plus could be fun if you know how Yu Gi Oh works and you’re already a fan, and even if you’re not, the gameplay does have some moments, but it’s presented dully, it’s way too complicated, there’s no characters, the music makes me want to stab my face off, etcetera, etcetera. Skip it.

This the point where I’d usually sprout some non sequitur with only borderline relevance but I don’t take kindly to games that cheat so I will close by saying this game can go fuck a duel disk till it’s deck snaps off.

Shiny!

This is a duel disk, by the way.

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Sleep Madness, How I Missed Thee

27 Feb

I tHiNk I’vE cOmE uP wItH a WiNnInG fOrMuLa.

WhEn I gEt TiReD, sLeEp. RiNcE aNd RePeAt. If I dOn’T, mY bRaIn ApPaReNtLy sAyS “fUcK yOu” To CoHeReNt ThOuGhT.

GrAvItY iN pArTiCuLaR sEeMs To Be A pRoBlEm. If I hAd A dOlLaR eVeRy TiMe I fElL oVeR bEcAuSe I gOt ToO dIzZy, I cOuLd pAy sOmEbOdY tO cArRy mE aRoUnD aNd/Or SeXuAlLy GrAtIfY mE.

(Is ThAt aN oPtIoN?)

NoT eVeN tHe StRoNgEsT cAfFeInE iNjEcTiOn CaN sHaKe ThIs ZoMbIe LiKe StUpOr. I’vE tRiEd GeNiEs, CoCaInE, rEaLlY lOuD nOiSeS, tHe WoRkS.

MaYbE… mAyBe SlEeP iS tHe AnSwEr!

(AlSo, WhY dO i TaLk LiKe ToRgO wHeN i’M tIrEd?)

Narcissism, Thy Name Is Erik

26 Feb

People, it’s time to grab your silly hats and moonshine, because TODAY IS OUR 400TH POST!

WAVE YOU HANDS IN THE AIR IF YOU FEEL FINE, WE’RE GOING TO TAKE IT IN TO OVERTIME!

Anyway, about today. I spent hours and hours and hours (okay, more like five minutes) deciding what I wanted to do today. I already talked about things nobody cares about in the 100th. (Seriously, what kind of person talks about THEMSELVES on their website? That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard.)

And I made fun of myself until my own ears started bleeding in the 200th post. (I like to think of it as a sort of penance for making fun of everybody else all the goddamn time.)

In the 300th, I did a lazy cop-out. (Yeah, I admit it.)

And for the one year anniversary, I sang! (I spent way too much time on that song.)

So, for this one… EVERYONE GET IN THE FLESH PIT!

Just kidding, I don’t get paid nearly enough to have my own flesh pit.

And the rent is outrageous.

So until I can make my own flesh pit with a bathtub and a quart of butter, lets talk about something we can all relate to: my intense, jaw dropping narcissism!

I present, to anyone who actually cares; five interesting facts about A Very Strange Place!

Number Five: I Am Apparently A Grocer!

Freshly Riffed 15: Santa’s Got A Gun is my most viewed post at 196 views (not counting what people read in their email or on the home page/archive), simply on the grounds  of this, oh so handy picture.

Seriously. GROVEL.

Look upon it and grovel.

When I embedded this picture in my post, I had no idea it would show up on Google Images, netting me a metric BUTTLOAD of extra views! It’s currently the third picture that pops up when you search for “Grocer”, which is pretty damn impressive for an image that I stole from a completely different site.

(Apologies for whoever I stole these delicious, delicious view counts from.)

Number Four: Call Me Legion, Sonny

Despite how much I love writing and making jokes, the numbers are where it’s at, grandpa! One does not measure their worth via skill or bad puns. No, no, it’s only the numbers.

And so far, I’m likin’ what I’m seein’! I currently have over 4000 views! And, considering that I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing, I think that is a damn respectable number.

At least, that’s what I tell myself so I can sleep at night.

Next number!

Number Three: Apparently I’m Very Mature

Ever heard of a site called “Webwiki”? I certainly haven’t! BUT THEY’VE HEARD OF ME.

capital letters are for hookers and fat people.

WHO ARE YOU.

Whatever Webwiki turns out to be, they have A Very Strange Place listed under “ADULTS ONLY”. Gee, that’s nice of them! (Although, they did list me under “little known”. Accurate, yet harsh.) They also have a list of my keywords and also my catchphrase! Which raises the question of “did somebody read through this place and make the listing or was it all robots?”.

(Because that’s what Skynet is going to do. Archive every domain ever.)

Number Two: Yee Haw, Little Doggie!

Another site for archiving domains (I’m on to you, Skynet), dubbed Domainsigma, also has A Very Strange Place listed! Gosh, I feel like the popular school slut all over again!

Don’t think too hard about that, I certainly didn’t.

According to Domainsigma, not to be confused with Ood Sigma, I have no Malware (I feel like I just got back from the clinic), completely family unfriendly content (that much was twatting obvious), and I get 3 and a half stars! Not entirely sure how they judged that, maybe they just threw a dart at a board.

But, more importantly, this magical thing called “technology” has pinpointed that the server my website is squatting on… is in Texas!

Which means, by law, everything that I write must be read in a thick southern accent, shucks!

Number One: Porn, Porn, Porn, Porn, Porn, Porn, Porn, Porn!

What is it about porn that interests people so much?

Don’t answer that.

The point is, in the “what have people searched to get to your site” meter, I have twenty six different categories of people searching for gay porn. Not “twenty six people”. Twenty six CATEGORIES of hot gay sex. That’s more hot gay sex than I knew existed.

Meanwhile, on the heterosexual male side of this, we have 20 categories of people searching for Cortana porn. (Including one person searching for Cortana rape. Stay classy, internet.)

Nine categories of Ellie from Dead Space porn decide to show up, despite the fact that I only brought it up so I could make fun of it. Psi Ops porn? Yeah, people have searched for that too. Ghost rape? Yes. Scooby Doo hentai? Better believe it. Snowflame yaoi? Was there ever any doubt?!

I feel dirty.

I feel dirty.

And, after all that porn, has anyone ever been searching for porn about me?! No! No, they have not.

Blasphemy!

 

 

The Secret Sex Lives Of The Animorphs

25 Feb

Okay, who here remembers the Animorphs?

What, nobody?

Seriously? Fuck you guys.

The Animorphs was a science fiction young adult book series (man, what a mouthful) that ran from 1996 to 2001. They were about a race of alien slugs named Yeerks, taking over people’s bodies through their ears and using them to take over the universe. (Because, after all, when evolution has specifically designed you to look like a dick, you’d better act the part.)

Ewwwwwwwwwww.

This puts a horrible twist on the classic phrase, “fuck me in the ear, mister alien mind control slug”.  Wait, does anyone actually say that?

Fortunately for the universe, a race of blue elf horses named Andalites are watching out for us all! Unfortunately for the universe, they kind of suck at it. A ship of the bastards lands on Earth, and they end up bestowing the ability to turn in to animals to fight off Yeerks to a bunch of teens.(Because that’s how you deal with an invasion of body snatchers: BEARS.)

The team includes Jake, the whiny leader, Marco, the comic relief, Cassie, the pansy, Rachel, the whiny badass, Tobias, the whiny hawk, and Ax, the alien. And they are… THE ANIMORPHS.

[Cue triumphant trumpets.]

Throughout the series, they kill Yeerks, become all manner of awesome animals, kill more things, whine about the killing, kill other things, rinse and repeat. And, despite all the soliloquies about the nature of war and such (You guys are, like, 15. CHEER THE FUCK UP), one point stands out:

These people were clearly fucking the entire time.

He's blue, baboo dee baboo da.

Especially him.

The morphing technology has a couple of rules installed. One: You have two hours, then you get stuck in what ever form you’re currently in. Two: You can become anything as long as it has DNA and you touched it. Three: Anything that happens to you while morphed, it goes away after you demorph.

Think about it.

 

Here, lemme break it down: You can engage in literally any kink! And on the internet, that means a lot. Say, if you like bestiality, then you have the entire animal kinkdom to pork. (Get it? Kingdom? Kinkdom? Damn, I’m funny.)

If you’re a girl who likes Yaoi (AKA every girl ever), then you can just morph in to a boy! Lesbians? We can do that! Hell, if you have a crush on somebody, just have your lover turn in to them! Same thing with celebrity crushes, all you have to do is get a lock of their hair. (Wow, this got creepy fast.)

Don’t like the way you or your partner looks? Morphin’ time! It’s practically a dream land for narcissists or pedophiles. Furries are living large, as they always are. And because your body resets when you demorph, pregnancy or S.T.Is or bondage marks are not a problem! (I have put way too much thought in to this.)

And if you say, “Well, maybe the characters just don’t want to have sex because they’re teenagers”, I will have to smack you. First of all, they’re teenagers who all have romantic tension to one degree or another. Hell, I think even the hawk and alien had some romantic scenes.

He's one sly motherfucker.

“Caw, caw, baby.”

Secondly, the morphing technology requires all the teenagers to wear sexy, sexy skin tight clothing. If they don’t, they end up naked. [Insert a George Takei “Oh My” here.]

Thirdly, Ax (the alien, I remind you) is the only Andalite on Earth. And he’s also a teenager. Are you really telling me he wouldn’t get a little curious surrounded by scantily clad teenagers?

No. No way. The Animorphs were all fucking. All the time. Animal forms, gender bending, clone boning, the whole bit.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go drink myself in to a coma so I can forget what I just wrote.

Omegle Wears It’s Sunglasses At Night

24 Feb

I like to think of the internet as humanity’s coalesced subconscious. And as you’d expect, humanity’s subconscious happens to be filled with racism, naked people, violence, and Danny Phantom fan fiction.

(Danny and The Box Ghost are my OTP.)

But if one needs some kind of break from the violence, naked people and Danny Fucktom (there’s still plenty of racism, though), there’s always Omegle’s Spy Mode, a mode that allows one to answer questions by random twats! There, all the naked people and violence is merely implied.

Ahem.

Gringos Go Back Home!!!!!!!!!: This is the weirdest E.T sequel I’ve ever seen.

What are your thoughts?: Boobs, mostly.

Whats You’r Favorite Dr. Seuss Book: “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Boob Fish”

(See what I mean?)

What an attractive clipboard.

It’s a condition.

And best actress goes to.. MMEEE!!! for being beautiful and for being loved by everyone.. OMG I hate my life.. I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Okay. That’s just swell.

what should i do to get a guy to notice me ? how should i dress act do my hair and i want to talk to him for the first time but i dont know what to say: Strip naked, wear a comically oversized sombrero and communicate solely in a system of clucks and whistles.

It’s what every man wants. I assume.

Hi I am Nicholas Cage. Recently, I took a few nude pictures of myself. You can download it here: [URL REDACTED]: Wait WHAT.

(I am legally required to play that clip every time somebody brings up Nicolas Gage.)

“thats a fish tank “, “you’re a fish tank”: You have the wit of a nine year old. And that’s coming from Mister “OH GOD, NOT THE BOOBIES”.

if you could go on a date with anyone on the planet, who would it be?: My exact doppelgänger, but with a vagina.

gay straight or lesbian?: The only possible answer is “omnisexual”.

The girl I like has a boyfriend? Should I wait or move on? Its weird who people choose!?: It’s like my Mom always said: Just because there’s a goalie, doesn’t mean you can’t score.

Freshly Riffed 21: This Just Got Weird

23 Feb

Welcome back to Freshly Riffed, the only web series advertised solely via word of mouth. And by “mouth”, I mean Headcrabs.

I hated these fucking things.

“THERE’S A NEW POST TODAY!”

According to the giant, hand painted portrait of myself that grants me immortality, Freshly Riffed is where I make fun of the titles of Freshly Pressed blog posts. Also, I… um. Hmm. Man, I should probably read The Picture Of Dorian Grey before I try to reference it.

Each title will be linked to the original authors, because blah blah blah blah. If you are one of said authors, salutations! Kick back, relax, help yourself to the complimentary cocaine, and remember; all mockery is for mockery’s sake only, and should not be taken seriously.

Ahem.

Seeing The World Through Google-Coloured Glasses: GLASSES. DON’T. WORK THAT WAY!

The Enchantments In Autumn, Part 3: When We Walked Through Forests Of Gold: Geez, we’re reaching lethal levels of pretension

It’s Not Just A Cat Toy: “That’s right, Mr. Bond, it’s not just a cat toy! If you take off this cap and twist the end, it turns in to a condom! Trust me, you’ll need it.”

STOP BONING EVERYONE.

“Good god, will you need it.”

The Bridal Diet Makes Me Hungry (For Vengeance): Goddammit, who made Ghost Rider a bridesmaid?!

Mapping The Human Brain: “We are so lost.”

“We are not lost! We just need to, um, go to the hippocampus? No, that can’t be right.”

“We are so lost.”

“Um. Which way is the spinal cord?”

Why did I let you drive?!”

Let’s Talk About Muses: Lets talk about muse, baby, lets talk about you and me, lets talk about all the writing, all the poems, that may be.

Russian Meteor Could Be Pope Resignation Conspiracy, But I Prefer Science: “Pope, sir, what is it?”

“Out in the sky. There’s a light, falling to Earth. A light… just like the prophecy.”

“You don’t mean-”

“Yes. I must resign immediately… to make way for SuperPope, from the planet Krypton!”

Why Do Gay Porn Stars Kill Themselves?: I guess you could say they’re… well hung.

Oh god, I’m going to hell.

Silent Language Of Hands: I’m going to assume you’re talking about shadow puppets.

You Can Thank Me Later: Okay!

(Can I thank you yet?)

Oh, fuck this.

Fable: The Oh You Have Got To Be Bloody Kidding Me

22 Feb

Man, since when has there been a new Fable game?! Say what you want about the Fable games, but they always have a certain flair for sword and sorcery and British people. And, like, the worst fucking boss fights ever.

(Seriously. The first game was fine, as it had you fighting some kind of immortal magic demigod named Jack who later turns in to a zombie dragon. FREAKING AWESOME. But the second one has you fighting an old man and the third one has you fighting an old, blind man. Who’s the villain in this new game, a dead baby?)

Anyway, apparently this new game is called Fable: The Journey and I can’t wait to try it out! I’m downloading the trial right now, as we speak!

Well. “Type”, technically.

Shut the hell up.

Okay, download done!

And… it’s a Kinect only game? You know, the magical sensor that’s supposed to be a new and innovative way to play a game from the comfort of your own couch but in reality it’s only good for ordering the Xbox 360 around?

Oh, fantastic! I love having to fight monsters by bitch-slapping the air! Sure, it’s fun when in works, but that’s always been the crux of the Kinect: working. Oh well, maybe it’ll be better when I get a sword-

What’s that? This game about stabbing things has gotten rid of swords and has officially become a railshooter but with random magical gestures instead of good old fashioned bullets?

I’m just going to back away slowly and pretend this never happened.