Gwen Cooper, Shut The Hell Up.

2 Feb

Everybody has epiphanies. They’re those little moments of clarity, where everything comes together. I had one myself, yesterday.

I hate Torchwood.

I… I didn’t know.

When I first watched the British science fiction series Torchwood, I thought it was fine. I liked it! I enjoyed the characters, the plot twists, the villains. But now… wow, how did I never see how annoying this is?!

To show my point, let’s run through Day One, which is the second episode of season one. Admittedly, going through the first episode would probably be better, but Day One has spontaneous lesbianism!

(That is literally the only reason I watch anything.)

The episode starts with a run down of who Torchwood is, delivered as melodramatically as possible. Basically, the town of Cardiff is built on a rift in space and time. All kinds of slimey fuckers fall through, so Torchwood is a secret agency that hangs around, shooting everything with tentacles. Understandably, the octopus market has taken a nose dive.

The team consists of Captain Jack, professional sexy man and leader, Owen, known locally as “lord of the jackasses” and also a doctor, Toshiko, computer nerd and that’s about it, Ianto, coffee man, and Gwen Cooper, the new girl and annoying twat.

(Fair warning, a big part of this will be me complaining about Gwen.)

Gwen? SHUT UP.

Want a fun drinking game? Drink every time I tell Gwen to shut up.

The episode starts with Gwen enjoying a night on the town with her boyfriend (She has a boyfriend. REMEMBER THAT.) before she starts her new job at Torchwood. Unfortunately for her boyfriend’s libido, a meteor crashes outside the town before she can introduce his plasma blaster to her holster, ahem.

As the team rolls out in their fancy van, filled to the brim with fancy computers, Gwen immediately starts badgering the others about “that’s police technology you shouldn’t have that”.

Gwen, I know you’ve just started working here, and you’re still not sure what’s going on, but, uh… SHUT THE FUCK UP. 

They reach the crash site, and Gwen, in her eternal ineptitude, launches a knife directly at the meteor, slicing through it like a hot knife through butter. (Wait, is that how meteors work? I thought they were, you know, made out of rock.)

Great, Gwen’s been here for 5 minutes and she’s already berated everybody and stabbed an alien artefact. Why are you here, again?! Please, REMIND ME.

The rock releases a pink gas that floats across town, jumping in to a young girl going to a nightclub because you know, if you’re an alien monster that needs a human host or you’ll die, OF COURSE you’re going to take the time to find the most dramatically appropriate target, instead of any of the people standing RIGHT FUCKING THERE.

I mean, that’s just common sense!

PINK.

I mean, wouldn’t YOU risk to death to get in to her body? … Pretend I didn’t say that.

The girl, Carys, stalks in to the nightclub, finding a target and boning him until he explodes in to a cloud of gold dust.

Wait, what?

Um. Okay. That’s… that’s weird. Anyway, Gwen starts to apologize repeatedly about stabbing the meteor like a complete moron, so we get treated to the rest of the team telling her, quite frankly, “SHUT THE HELL UP, GWEN”.

They hear about the fatality of fuckery (BUH DUM TSH), and head down to the nightclub. We’re treated to Gwen awkwardly talking to one of the police officers before Jack tells her, at the same time as everybody else, “SHUT YOUR FACE, GWEN”.

Team Torchwood watch the security footage, which is really just an excuse to watch the sex scene over and over again. They pick up footage of Carys, and decide to get Ianto to plant a corpse that looks like the poor bastard, which Gwen objects with.

Ladies and gentlemen, say it with me now:

GWEN. SHUT. UP.

You do realize there's more colours than black, right?

You can tell they’re all just waiting to smack her.

Once Gwen realizes that this whole thing is TOTALLY her fault, she once again begins whining, because you know, it’s not like she was annoying to begin with. She also begins bugging the rest of the cast about how she’s the only one in a relationship, because the writers felt they needed to hammer that fact in. YES. WE KNOW. RELATIONSHIP.

After an admittedly nice sequence that shows Gwen actually CONTRIBUTING to the team, they hunt down Carys and catch her about to boink the post man.

Lucky bastard.

They drag Carys back to their underground base with a portable alien prison cell (FORESHADOWINGFORESHADOWINGFORESHADOWING) and Gwen gets the job of interrogating the prisoner, which she naturally whines about. S to the H, U, T, U, P, Gwen. Times three.

And hold on, why does she get the job? Jack, you’re not a moron. Shouldn’t somebody who actually KNOWS about aliens be doing it? Or maybe you were just hoping she’d get herself killed. I know that’s what I’M hoping for.

And I’m serious about the whole “not knowing about aliens” thing. Gwen straight up asks Carys if she’s “trying to invade earth”. YES GWEN, SHE’S TRYING TO INVADE THE PLANET BY FUCKING THE POPULACE IN TO SUBMISSION.

You’re not allowed to talk any more.

During the course of the interrogation, Gwen and Carys start makin’ out, licky style. Now, this is stupid, pointless, acts as foreshadowing for Gwen’s multiple counts of cheating on her boyfriend, makes Gwen look even worse (Gwen, stop tonguing the prisoner) but it’s still my favourite part of the episode! After all, it’s significantly harder for Gwen to whine with a lesbian in her mouth.

(And it’s not the only thing significantly harder, ahem.)

As you’ll see if you watch the clip, Carys decides she can’t murderfuck Gwen because “she’s not a man”. This makes no sense because, if the alien feeds off orgasms, WOMEN CAN ORGASM TOO. There are MANY websites for this kind of thing. Actually, I think every website is for this kind of thing.

Geez, I never thought I’d have to explain lesbianism to Russell T. Davies of all people!

After Gwen’s little “experiment”, Owen pops over to make fun of her, and Gwen IMMEDIATELY decides to start yelling and choking him. Because, you know, it’s not like she made out with the dangerous sex monster. Oh wait, she did! You are not allowed to defend yourself after you try to hump the bad guy. It’s against the rules.

The team all sits down to relax and eat Chinese food. This is pretty much the only time Torchwood seems like a fun place to hang out, which is then immediately ruined by Gwen, who starts whining about “we aren’t doing anything for Carys we need to get the alien out of her”. She also accuses the team of “forgetting what it means to be human”.

Why hasn’t anyone fired her?! She’s been here one, maybe two days, and she’s already stabbed a meteor, gotten somebody killed, whined everybody’s ears off, and made out with the alien! That’s like if you got a job at the office and in one day, you shanked the printer, tossed a secretary down an elevator shaft, screamed insults over the intercom and started making out with the stapler.

You sexy beast.

Don’t look at me like you’ve never thought of it before.

So, to make the rest of the group “remember what it’s like to be human” (oh, shut up, Gwen), she makes a big mural of Carys’ life, including baby pictures, family history, school reports, swimming medals and her celebrity crushes, because the ability to defeat an alien beast relies entirely on knowing it’s preference for Orlando Bloom.

(Remember this whole “Gwen made a biography” thing. It’ll hurt later.)

It’s revealed that Carys generates super pheromones, which supposedly explains why Gwen was trying to taste her tonsils, but I think it has more to do with the mystical art of “obvious heterosexual male fan fiction”. But, you might say, where is the heterosexual female fan fiction?

Well, ask and ye shall receive, masturbating woman!

[Insert bow chicka bow wow music here.]

That’s the second saddest naked man I’ve ever seen.

Carys managed to seduce Owen (but not kill him, because that would be too easy), and escapes. We’re then treated to a “look at how sexual human society is” montage, delivered with all the subtlety as a sledgehammer to the balls, and twice as painful.

Because the plot of “girl boinks her way through a series of targets like both halves of a slasher film” needs a bit more pizazz, it’s revealed that the pink alien of doom makes people explode if it’s inside them for too long and- no, not like that! You’re gross.

Toshiko figures out that Carys is going to her ex-boyfriend’s house to bang him to death (It was Toshiko who figured that out, remember. Not Gwen, the person who made the fucking biography.), but they arrive too late. Carys has already fixed his plumbing, if you know what I’m saying.

Wait, does that euphemism even work for boys OH SHUT UP IT DOES NOW.

The team struggles to figure out where Carys will strike next and this is the point where we need to say something we haven’t in a long, long time: GWEN, SAY SOMETHING!

See, Carys is attacking the fertility clinic where she works. Now, who would know that? If you answered “the person who wrote the biography”, then you are WRONG. The correct answer is “Toshiko googled it”.

Gwen, you have turned “dropping the ball” in to an Olympic sport.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiny.

You win, Gwen! You win the national award for FUCK YOU.

 On the way to the clinic, Jack hands Gwen a gun, which she whines about because she is apparently THREE. And, because I haven’t got to say it in a while, GWEN COOPER, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

They enter the clinic, everyone brandishing weapons (Why the guns? Are you afraid she’ll kill you? She kills with orgasms! What, is she going to LEAP on to your cock?!) and they find the dusty remains of everybody in the clinic, including the gay guy. Wait, what? Is that how that works?

Carys keels over, ready to pop like a poodle in the microwave, until Gwen offers to let the alien take her body because, after all, THIS IS ALL HER FAULT! Fortunately for her, Jack had the nifty portable prison cell from earlier and they drop the gas, where it dies in seconds. Now, naturally, if it only took a couple of seconds to die, it would have died before, when it was searching for Carys but SHUT WE DON’T LIKE LOGIC ROUND THESE PARTS.

Gwen thanks Jack, and then kisses him, because she hasn’t cheated on her boyfriend in the last 5 minutes and she was getting antsy, and goes home. She finally gets to go home, smooches her boyfriend, the end.

This episode was awful. The characters were, bar a few lines, completely unlike-able, 90% of the script is just whining, there is little or no happiness to be found on the entire team, the fake science is insulting, Gwen is the worst human being on the planet and the lesbian scene came completely out of nowhere.

I mean, sure, I masturbated to it five times already, but strictly out of protest.

(I felt I needed to embed that again. You’re welcome.)

Still, as far as crappy Torchwood episodes go, this is nothing compared to Cyberwoman, which reveals that to turn in to a robot, you need metal boobs, cyber vaginas, techno high heels, and oh, metal is made out of plastic now.

I’d say that makes more sense in context, but that would be a lie.

Still, at least this episode had lesbians!

 

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7 Responses to “Gwen Cooper, Shut The Hell Up.”

  1. Teji June 5, 2013 at 1:04 pm #

    I decided to start watching Torchwood a few days ago, and it took me about seven episodes to realize just how much I hate Gwen Cooper. I never liked Rose Tyler, but I absolutely LOATHE Gwen Cooper.

    • averystrangeplace June 5, 2013 at 3:14 pm #

      I haven’t seen that last Torchwood season, Miracle Day yet, but hopefully the “Miracle” is that she shuts her fucking mouth.

      • Teji June 5, 2013 at 3:27 pm #

        I haven’t seen it either. I’m still watching season 1. I’m not sure WHY I’m still watching it, but I heard it gets better in season 2.

  2. Anonymous January 13, 2014 at 9:59 pm #

    To be fair it wasn’t until the episode countrycide (6) that I started to hate gwen in her entirety, so get this [spoilers]

    They discover the cause is a bunch of cannibals, which really isn’t a surprise, but I digress, jack has them all at gunpoint and it would be completely justified if he killed the lot, but gwen has to play the “no you can’t kill I need to understand.” They are fucking cannibals what is there to get, kill them all. But no, they get to live, and the follow up where gwen starts to have a relationship with Owen is just fucking stupid.

  3. isara November 14, 2014 at 12:52 pm #

    I love all the characters except her (Love Janto!!! – Sexy Jack & Hot Ianto they are perfect)

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Torchwood: A Day In The Death – Best Bits | THE SCARECROW - March 4, 2013

    […] Gwen Cooper, Shut The Hell Up. (averystrangeplace.com) […]

  2. Gwen Cooper, GODDAMMIT. | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - September 22, 2013

    […] figured, hey, an episode of the American version of a British sci-fi show that I already roasted seems right up my alley! (‘Roasted’ is a thing people say, right? It’s […]

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