Crass Effect

5 Feb

Ladies and gentlemen and Salarians, I have done the impossible: I have beaten Mass Effect 3.

Yes, that’s right: I beat a video game. No applause, no applause, just throw money.

Now, according to the creed of the internet geek, I am legally required to review it. However, have you seen this fucking game?! It took me 24 hours to get through it, and that was with occasion breaks to breathe and look at Commander Shepard’s butt.

(Look, it’s cover based shooting, what else am I going to do?)

So here’s the story: after building up the Reapers, giant robot space squids intent on screwing up every biological life form past the “wheel” stage of evolution show up and start screwing everybody up and it’s up to Commander Shepard to save the day!

Wait, why is it up to Commander Shepard? The Reaper’s are trying to destroy everyone in the galaxy, surely somebody else can help out for a change.

Well, that’s partially true. There’s a little bar on your space ship which measures how doomed the galaxy is, so half of the game is spent shooting bad guys and the other half is spent talking to morons which sounds a bit like life, to be honest.

The shooting part is about as easy as it gets. Bad guy pokes his head out, shoot, repeat. It get’s even more trivially if you unlock the ability which regenerates your health when you super punch an enemy which makes shooting nothing more than filler while you wait for the punch to recharge which it will do instantly because with little to no guns, you recharge super punch faster.

But if you could punch your way through the dialogue options, I’m guessing it would muck up the pacing some. Mass Effect 3 has a massive world, filled with unique and vibrant characters, half of which are fantastic and the other half are twats who refuse to help save everybody unless you give them a hug first or maybe kill an entire planet of innocent creatures who that specific twat didn’t actually like.

Still, half the characters are fun, specifically the communication officer, Traynor. (YES I BOINKED MY COMMUNICATION OFFICER SHUT UP SHE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME.)

On the whole, I loved Mass Effect 3 with it’s unique characters and universe and the perfect ending and if it seems like I’m speeding through this it’s only because I am I NEED TO GO PLAY DEAD SPACE 3 FOREVER NOW BYE BYE.


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