Hot Gay Sex: The Movie

6 Feb

You know, just when I thought I’ve seen the worst movies ever, I find something even worse.

Yes, worse than ghost rape. Yes, worse than Mecha Hitler. And yes, even worse than the deep fried rape Snickers.

In the words of a great man, daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang.

The title of this “movie” (quotation marks intentional) is 1313 UFO Invasion. No, I’m not sure what the “1313” stands for, but by the end of this, that’ll be the least of your worries.

Wait, is that guy in front Soren Bowie?!

This picture tells you all you need to know about this movie: nipples.

The movie opens with some random guy who is never mentioned again wandering through a mansion very, very slowly. Get used to this mansion, you’ll see it a lot.

He slowly wanders around in his shorts, calling out for people until… gasp! Several shots of synapses get hastily edited in (Again, get used to this. You’ll see it a lot.) and he wakes up… tied to a bed… in his underwear…

This got weird fast.

A creepy red head wanders in as he struggles for over a minute, and then- bam! More synapses. When they fade out, our mystery boy slooooooooowly walks back out of the house, with absolutely nothing to entertain to the audience except the jiggling of his visible package.

(By the way, I found this under the “Gay and Lesbian” section of Netflix. Because, you know, straight women don’t like ogling half naked wet guys frolicking in a pool.)

We finally get our title 7 minutes in, which is about the time most people realize that this film is going to hurt. And trust me. This is going to hurt.

This makes up 90% of the movie.

I don’t actually have to censor anything here, and yet, I feel I SHOULD.

Finally, the plot gets started! A man, Adam, is staying at the aforementioned mansion to write papers about aliens with all his friends. His disturbingly homoerotic friends.

The mansion is a good deal for these young waxed gents, as it has a pool, multiple rooms, a weight room, and a hot tub. In fact, there’s only one downside: the creepy red head alien lives in the house and will tie up/anal probe anyone who wanders in to her room.

Wait, other buildings don’t have that?!

Two of Adam’s friends make it in and they immediately strip down to their underwear and spend 3 full minutes doing nothing but rubbing each other under the guise of a “splash fight”.

On the “Homoeroticism Scale”, this is a solid “Village People”.

MOUSTACHES.

We’re almost at LETHAL levels.

It’s at about this point that time starts to… bend and distort. People walk in and out of the house, incredibly slowly, they get tied to the bed and struggle, incredibly slowly, the red head injects people with random stuff, incredibly slowly (are you seeing a pattern here?) and Adam walks through New Mexico, say it with me now, incredibly slowly.

The majority of the film is spent watching our sexy man meat (NO I AM NOT GAY SHUT YOUR FACE) swim, flex, wander aimlessly through the house, and get tied up. Except, of course, for Adam, who gets a driving montage so long I keep expecting him to run in to Manos: The Hands Of Fate.

(Also, I need to take a moment out of this just to emphasize something: this movie is boring. NOTHING EVER FUCKING HAPPENS. At all. It’s just a whole lot of fluff, strung together with beefcake. Every single scene is dragged out 10 times longer than they should be. It’s almost biblical, how boring this is. It must be the 11th belated plague of Egypt.)

So, after an hour of watching the nipples of people I don’t know, finally something happens. The last guy there happens to notice “gee, where is everybody?” and goes to investigated, which gets the woman to tie him down and… flash back to every other person walking slowly through the building before they get tied down and walk back out.

Holy hell, you could bottle this boredom up and sell it as a sleeping aid. Or maybe a biological weapon.

Adam gets back from his montage, gets injected by the woman who happens to be an alien, ends up strapped down to the bed, it’s revealed that Adam is an alien (DUN DUN DUN!) and he stabs her anyway. Then he kills himself.

This was painful. It had all the bad acting of porn but with none of the smut. Every shot is shot like filler, and when your entire film is filler with a bit of heterosexual flexing, you should probably just stick to porn. Plus, I think I’ve seen that house so many times I could recreate from memory.

Actually, do you want to know what the worst thing is? These “1313” things are a series. There are multiple movies.

And they all use the same house.

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12 Responses to “Hot Gay Sex: The Movie”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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    […] that in mind” and move on. Nowadays, if somebody says that, I say “I’ve seen 1313: UFO Invasion. Fucking try […]

  3. “The Worst Movie Ever!” | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 12, 2013

    […] mean, you don’t even know what a bad movie is! Try sitting down with 1313 for a while! It’s just some scantily clad guy walking across a room, flash of light, he […]

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    […] the driving montage that keeps shooting envious glances at 1313: UFO Invasion, we get to establishing our characters. Namely, establishing the fact that they’re all […]

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    […] a couple of inches of meeting a telephone pole face-first at fifty kilometres an hour, oh, and I watched 1313: UFO Invasion. ENOUGH FUCKING […]

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    […] awful in it’s every aspect of being (Well, it’s rare for other people. I find them all the goddamned time, apparently), but that’s exactly what we have today with a little film by […]

  7. Writing From The Belly Of The Beast | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - September 14, 2013

    […] is it with horrible movies and starting their titles with numbers, anyway? 1313 UFO Invasion, 8213 Gacy House, 666: The Beast, 90210, what, is the terrible movie industry just a big game of […]

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    […] (Oh, speaking of which? Are you seriously trying to say that THAT is what’s gonna drive him over the edge? Dude, last January, I got in to a near fatal snowmobile accident on the anniversary of my father’s death. The next day, my girlfriend dumped me. Over text. After a math exam. Then, I had a cancer scare, was left alone for a week, was convinced that my family had died when I wasn’t there, had a mental breakdown, and then watched 1313.) […]

  10. Hot Gay Sex 2, Electric Boogaloo: 1313 Frankenqueen Review, Part One | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 30, 2014

    […] Ladies and gentlemen… we’re back at 1313. […]

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    […] Hot Gay Sex: The Movie. (Even more obvious. You guys are apparently wonderfully horny!) […]

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