Operation Snow Balloon

8 Feb

Science is truly an insane, unpredictable abomination. One second, you have a normal tropical island. Add some atomic radiation and- BAM! Godzilla.

Well, in my continued attempts to further the field of science, I’ve tried the impossible: to freeze a motherfucking water balloon.

Let’s do some hardcore science, fo’ shizzle. We’re getting Stephen Hawkish, all up in this bitch.

STEP ONE: Obtain a balloon. This is easier said then done, as most, indeed, ALL balloons, carry deadly battle sporks.

STEP TWO: Fill it with water. Although not mandatory, it is very helpful to repeatedly stroke it, and mutter sexual assurances.

STEP THREE: Find a spot outside, preferably one unmarred with the blood of goats. (Place balloon in Arctic when applicable. Utilize teleportation if not.)

STEP FOUR: Abandon balloon to the ravages of the wild.

STEP FIVE: Check balloon repeatedly. The feral balloon gangs that roam the cities aren’t kind to stragglers, and the test subject doesn’t take kindly to knife wounds.

STEP SIX: Retrieve your high calibre poking stick from your last foray in to science (Otherwise known as “Operation Bee Hive”) and poke the balloon. Repeat poking every hour.

STEP SEVEN: After the 20th poking, it will have frozen. Or maybe you’ll just have gotten bored at that point and you coat the entire damn thing in liquid nitrogen. Either way, the result is the same!

I'm getting Terminator 2 flashbacks.

This is basically Canada.

STEP EIGHT: Present your findings to the nearest scientific facility of your choice. Preferably one with a functioning ice cream machine. Not for storage, but because ice cream is fucking rad.

STEP NINE: Accept your Nobel Prize with dignity and grace. Make sure to name drop me at least 20 times. You know, for dignity and graceocity and stuff.

STEP TEN: When your fellow scientists corner you in a dark alley due to their intense jealousy, avoid their beakers. They’re filled with hydrochloric acid.

Run.

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