Say Cheese! And Also, You’re Dead.

9 Feb

There are many, many images I will never get out of my brain. And the newest member of my nightmare hit parade is “Christian Slater masturbating to a teenage girl”.

(Oh yeah, that’s how I follow up my one year anniversary: masturbating pedophilic Christian Slater. Classy.)

He's not wearing pants...

Please, please, PLEASE, don’t pan down.

Why did I mention that? Because I enjoy seeing people in pain! Horrible, twisted, perverted pain! MWA HAH HAH HAH HAH!

Actually, it’s in the 2012 horror film Playback. But I prefer my answer.

I’m not even sure if Playback is it’s actual title, to be honest. I mean, that’s what most everybody, including Netflix, calls it, but Wikipedia says it’s called Fantastic Fist Blood! Which is, after all, the best title ever.

Fantastic Fist Blood (seriously, I will never get tired of that name) revolves around killer cameras, which pretty much means “wanking material for directors”. Or “hell for editors who have to edit in all the stupid glitches that the director insists on putting in because he doesn’t realize that it’s not scary”.

The plot is thus: a horrible murder took place, and for some reason, the killer decided to video taped everything. Jump ahead 15 years later, and a standard issue teenage loner (I think they sell them in drug stores now. Only $19.99!) watches the videos and somehow gets possessed with the devil/killer.

Don’t ask. We get a whole “magical black guy gives exposition” scene and all I understood was “cameras are pure evil”. So, presumably, found footage films are the Anti-Christ.

Does that make Toby the Pope?

OH GOD, KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Anyway, a collection of teenagers are doing a project on the murder case, while creepy, loner, camera devil man Quinn sells scantily clad video tapes of one of the teenagers to Officer Christian Slater. Then Quinn decides to kill them all and, inevitably, hijinks ensue. Deadly, deadly hijinks.

The characters in this movie are really, really confusing. It’s like there are two different writers, one who just wants to write a bunch of standard horror stereotypes and go home to drink the night away, and the other who wants to make a bunch of actual characters. It’s oddly surreal, like if your Japanese love pillow asked to cuddle.

Take the jerky dumb guy, for instance. For the first 20 minutes, he’s the standard jerky dumb guy. Loud, crass, and he gets his girlfriend a vibrator for her birthday when he knew FULL WELL what she actually wanted. I was ready to snark this guy through the fucking floor!

And… then it turns out that the vibrator wasn’t his actual gift, and he actually got her the gift she wanted (tickets to a concert for her favourite band) and turned out to be a pretty good boyfriend.

DAMMIT MOVIE I WANTED TO HATE HIM STOP RUINING MY FUN.

Now, when you hear someone say “killer camera”, you’d expect the cameras to actually kill, but this film decides to use the classic “cameras steal your soul” myth, a myth that is significantly less threatening than just bonking somebody with a camera.

For example, when the girlfriend is getting dresses for the concert, Quinn reaches through the camera he hid in her room (Man, he’s just getting more appealing by the second!) and steals her soul. As a result, she gets all demonic and murderous and smashes her boyfriend’s head in.

Which, lets face it, is what most girls anyway.

And I know I keep bashing Slater, but he has a great scene where the girl he keeps wanking over gets her soul sucked out and starts to seduce him, on Quinn’s orders. You can just see the desperation on his face as he weighs his options. “Boobs or morals. Boobs or mooooooorals…”

He chooses door number 3: “Getting shot in the facehole by Quinn”

He wasn't very good.

Quinn’s brief attempt at opera.

Fantastic Fist Blood is… (dramatic pause)  an okay film. It has some nice character moments, decent acting, and the camera aspect is pretty good. It does have some serious  problems with a weak script, hit-or-miss editing, the soundtrack is the most abrasive I’ve ever seen, and it devolves in to slasher film too often for me to give it my full endorsement.

(Also, at no point did they use a “say cheese” style quip. Bastards.)

To be honest, I feel kind of sorry for this film. According to Wikipedia, this got a theatrical release- and only sold 33 tickets. In total.

Dang. That’s just cold.

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One Response to “Say Cheese! And Also, You’re Dead.”

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  1. The Tangled Magnetic Strips Of Ultimate Evil! | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - October 19, 2013

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