Freshly Riffed 20: Ragnarok Out With Your Cock Out

10 Feb

Welcome back to Freshly Riffed, the only web series with a thermal exhaust port the exact size and shape of Luxembourg.

I had to google

Use the force, Belgium.

According to the Justice League of America, who I keep chained up in my basement, Freshly Riffed is where I make fun of the titles of Freshly Pressed blog posts. Also, I need to water Aquaman again.

Each title will be linked to the original authors, because if I don’t, I turn in to a werewolf. If you’re one of the original authors, hi! Stick around, we’ll break out the hookers soon. All mockery is for mockery’s sake only, and should not be taken seriously. THOU HAST BEEN WARNED.

Ahem.

Shoveling My Own Goddamn Driveway: “GODDAMMIT PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY PISSES ME OFF.”

Moral Quandary Got You? Lie About It!: Yay! Lying solves all my problems!

Why I Write: “You will write me a 600 page novel… or I will kill one hostage every hour.”

Ooh... dramatic lighting!

“It better have a plot twist, or you’re getting the corpses back in a fucking doggy bag!”

Are They Really So Different?: Without specifying who “they” is, I am forced to assume that you’re comparing William Howard Taft and a wood-chipper.

In which case, no. No, they are not.

An Undelivered Letter To My Loved One: Rated “M” for mature.

Daily: Where’s The Crit?: WHOA, that is not the kind of thing somebody asks a lady! Geez, you are one sick bastard! Do you have any social skills?!

Oh, wait a second. You said “CRIT”, not… you know, that other thing… okay, never mind.

Liam’s Birthday Robohand!: Unfortunately, right after his party, Liam robo-bitch slapped everybody in a hundred mile radius.

I imagine he does!

“Does Liam have to choke a bitch?”

Bad Coffee Makes Me Sad: Yeah, and cold crumpets make me cut myself.

Artificial Puberty, Round Two: Get him in a choke hold, get him in a choke hold!

“It’s Okay, You Aren’t Broken”: “Actually, hand me that sledgehammer.”

*CRACK*

“Huh. Turns out you are broken. Who knew! By the way, you might want to get that kneecap checked out.”

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