7 Great Moments In The History Of Profanity

16 Feb

Despite all the times I take (affectionate!) pot shots at WordPress, they’ve only really responded once. Specifically, they popped down in to a comment section to inform me because of my profanity and the way I make fun of people, I “will never be Freshly Pressed”.

I don’t think I ever responded to that. But, to that person: Fuck you, you unfunny twat!

Profanity, although often overused and moronic in the hands of weak minded fools, can be a great weapon for the forces of funny! (And seriously, “making fun of people isn’t funny”? Hook yourself up to a nice Mystery Science Theatre 3000 box set and get back to me.)

So, in honour of the swear words that make the world turn (tricks), here are seven great moments in the field of fuckery.

7: Tom Servo Says He’s Going To Fuck Himself

Hey, speaking of Mystery Science Theatre 3000: a video of Tom Servo saying that he’s going to go fuck himself. And I admit, this is on the list entirely because of how fucking surreal it is!

Not only is Tom Servo swearing (about masturbation, no less), but this voice actor, Josh Weinstein, is so not Tom. I know this is a weird thing to point out, but it’s like if Kermit spoke with a thick Russian accent.

“Uts nyet easy, being green, Comrade!”

(YES I KNOW RUSSIAN PEOPLE DON’T TALK LIKE THAT BITE ME.)

6: Porky Pig Says Son Of A B-

Welcome to round 2 of the “beloved childhood characters swearing indiscriminately” tournament! (The cheerleaders in this tournament are all Hermione Grangers screaming “bollocks” over and over again.)

I first found this thing as a Looney Tunes anthology disk special feature, which is quite possibly the funniest prank ever. Just imagine the happy youth, looking through the DVD, suddenly finding this delightful video of Porky Pig swearing, and suddenly his innocence is dead forever.

Hee hee hee… I’m dead inside.

Anyway, this is hilarious. And I have to point out that this is in black and white, meaning that they made this happy little swear cartoon back in the time before the world was dark and full of cartoon porn.

Wait, that’s not true!

The world was always full of cartoon porn.

5: “Bite My Shiny Metal Ass”

And the winner of the “beloved childhood characters swearing indiscriminately” tournament is, inevitably, Bender. (The award will be presented by a Batman muttering “bugger and tits”.)

I’m pretty sure Bender is the only cartoon character who can capture the hearts and minds of an entire generation solely by telling said generation to “bite my [INSERT ADJECTIVE HERE] [INSERT MATERIAL HERE] ass”.

And when the swearing historians (best job ever) look back, they’ll notice the mad cap, awesome phenomenon that is Bender, they’ll shake their heads, and bite their asses.

And that’s just as it should be.

4: Suffer This!

This entry is not on the list for it’s grand significance in the world of swearing (Yeah, because people saying “fuck” is so grand.) but because of my personal significance.

See, The Suffering was one of the first games that I wasn’t allowed to play. It had more swear words than blood and good god did it have a lot of blood. But the day silly things like “parental support” or “common sense” stop me from doing things is the day I give up my job at the Aquarium Brothel for Lepers.

As far as “first time hearing intense profanity” goes, it’s not that bad. Plenty of variety, there’s some baby raping, Jesus gets involved, all the good stuff.

(Jesus gets involved in the swearing, I mean. Not the baby raping. That’d be weird.)

3: [Insert Obvious Title Here]

Yes, I’m using Lily Allen’s Fuck You, not Cee Lo Green’s Fuck You. If you object, well then, my answer should be fairly obvious.

(Fuck you. My answer is “fuck you”. Just… just wanted to make that clear.)

The reason that I’m putting this Fuck You instead of the other Fuck You is because, well, less people know about this one! Let’s face it, if you haven’t already heard/loved/made an awful parody of the Cee Lo song, then you live under a rock/beside a rock/inside a rock/between two rocks/in a parallel dimension adjacent to a rock/in a stifling marriage that crushes your creativity with a rock.

Plus, a damn sexy British lady singing. Can’t top that!

2: The Stack Song

Wow. That… is… wow.

Ever since I found that video, I share it with everybody I meet, and everybody loves it.  The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads – they all adore it.

If somebody were to hold me hostage, point a gun to one of my many orifices and demand that I point out a favourite bit, it would either be the torrent of truly spectacular swearing right at the start (Sometimes I sing that part while I’m walking down the street. I’m serious, it’s really a problem.) or the bit where he rides through the halls in a tiny bike and finds a dinosaur.

Look, don’t question it. Just listen to the pretty swears.

1: The Angry Video Game Nerd

You knew this was coming.

The Angry Video Game Nerd, for those not in the know, is a video game reviewer for retro games. He also has the filthiest mouth I’ve ever heard since that time I spiked the punch at a Tourettes convention.

I mean, just listen to his theme song! Trying to pick out his best swear would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. A haystack of needles. And the needles aren’t needles. They’re syringes. Filled with swear words.

Man, my metaphors are really slipping.

Anyway, I couldn’t pick out his best swear word, but that doesn’t mean other fans haven’t already made hilarious remixes. Alex?! ROLL THE MONTAGE! 

Truly, a work of art. The Nerd deserves the number one spot, because only he has launched a career with his brilliant word play. Amazing.

I really haven’t sworn enough in this post, have I?

Balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls and also a vagina.

There we go.

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