The Secret Weaknesses Of Superheroes

20 Feb

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you… THE SECRET WEAKNESSES OF SUPERHEROES!

Spider-Man

1. Various wild animals. (Scorpions, octopussies, vultures, black cats, jackals, chameleons, hammerheads, lizards, rhinos, swarms of bees, vultures, tarantulas, take your pick.)

2. Dressing in black.

3. A competent radiologist.

4. Marriage.

5. Window washers. (No, I’m not joking. He’s called the Prowler.)

And why is he PURPLE?! I already called dibs on that colour!

HE’S GONNA WASH YOUR WINDOWS, MOTHERFUCKER.

Superman

1. A writer who feels like making a “gosh Superman is sad” story.

2. Literally anyone with the initials “L.L”.

3. Accidentally biting his own tongue.

4. If he ever orgasms, he’s going to destroy the world.

Batman

1. A rocket launcher.

2. A giant sword.

3. A regular sized sword.

4. A Dalek.

5. A knife.

6. A baseball bat.

7. A sledgehammer.

8. A bus.

9. A really big rock.

10. A really big rock attached to a really big bus.

11. A plane piloted by snakes.

12. A boxing kangaroo.

13. A shark gun.

14. A broken bottle.

15. A pillow case full of batteries.

16. Hedge clippers.

17. A brick wall.

18. A particularly vicious ventriloquist dummy.

19. A falling down a flight of stairs.

20. A really bright light.

21. A bear trap thrown at his head.

22. An incompetent chiropractor.

Etcetera, etcetera…

pointyhatsopointypointy

Maybe you should get some super powers, Bats. Just saying.

The Flash

1. A banana peel.

2. Leaving his shoes untied.

3. Stubbing his knee on a coffee table.

Wonder Woman

1. [Insert joke about menstruation here.]

2. [Insert joke about lesbians here.]

3. [Insert joke about “bondage of truth” reference here.]

Green Lantern

1. Incredibly strict TSA agents.

“Sir, please take off all your jewellery.”

“Um. All of it?”

“Yes, sir, all of it.”

“Well, I’m really attached to this one.”

“Sir, I can’t let through security with that ring.”

“It’s secretly an alien super weapon that lets me squish people with giant green hammers. Does that help?”

“No, sir. No it doesn’t.”

I would so pay to see a series about TSA agents in the DC universe.

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