Narcissism, Thy Name Is Erik

26 Feb

People, it’s time to grab your silly hats and moonshine, because TODAY IS OUR 400TH POST!

WAVE YOU HANDS IN THE AIR IF YOU FEEL FINE, WE’RE GOING TO TAKE IT IN TO OVERTIME!

Anyway, about today. I spent hours and hours and hours (okay, more like five minutes) deciding what I wanted to do today. I already talked about things nobody cares about in the 100th. (Seriously, what kind of person talks about THEMSELVES on their website? That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard.)

And I made fun of myself until my own ears started bleeding in the 200th post. (I like to think of it as a sort of penance for making fun of everybody else all the goddamn time.)

In the 300th, I did a lazy cop-out. (Yeah, I admit it.)

And for the one year anniversary, I sang! (I spent way too much time on that song.)

So, for this one… EVERYONE GET IN THE FLESH PIT!

Just kidding, I don’t get paid nearly enough to have my own flesh pit.

And the rent is outrageous.

So until I can make my own flesh pit with a bathtub and a quart of butter, lets talk about something we can all relate to: my intense, jaw dropping narcissism!

I present, to anyone who actually cares; five interesting facts about A Very Strange Place!

Number Five: I Am Apparently A Grocer!

Freshly Riffed 15: Santa’s Got A Gun is my most viewed post at 196 views (not counting what people read in their email or on the home page/archive), simply on the grounds  of this, oh so handy picture.

Seriously. GROVEL.

Look upon it and grovel.

When I embedded this picture in my post, I had no idea it would show up on Google Images, netting me a metric BUTTLOAD of extra views! It’s currently the third picture that pops up when you search for “Grocer”, which is pretty damn impressive for an image that I stole from a completely different site.

(Apologies for whoever I stole these delicious, delicious view counts from.)

Number Four: Call Me Legion, Sonny

Despite how much I love writing and making jokes, the numbers are where it’s at, grandpa! One does not measure their worth via skill or bad puns. No, no, it’s only the numbers.

And so far, I’m likin’ what I’m seein’! I currently have over 4000 views! And, considering that I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing, I think that is a damn respectable number.

At least, that’s what I tell myself so I can sleep at night.

Next number!

Number Three: Apparently I’m Very Mature

Ever heard of a site called “Webwiki”? I certainly haven’t! BUT THEY’VE HEARD OF ME.

capital letters are for hookers and fat people.

WHO ARE YOU.

Whatever Webwiki turns out to be, they have A Very Strange Place listed under “ADULTS ONLY”. Gee, that’s nice of them! (Although, they did list me under “little known”. Accurate, yet harsh.) They also have a list of my keywords and also my catchphrase! Which raises the question of “did somebody read through this place and make the listing or was it all robots?”.

(Because that’s what Skynet is going to do. Archive every domain ever.)

Number Two: Yee Haw, Little Doggie!

Another site for archiving domains (I’m on to you, Skynet), dubbed Domainsigma, also has A Very Strange Place listed! Gosh, I feel like the popular school slut all over again!

Don’t think too hard about that, I certainly didn’t.

According to Domainsigma, not to be confused with Ood Sigma, I have no Malware (I feel like I just got back from the clinic), completely family unfriendly content (that much was twatting obvious), and I get 3 and a half stars! Not entirely sure how they judged that, maybe they just threw a dart at a board.

But, more importantly, this magical thing called “technology” has pinpointed that the server my website is squatting on… is in Texas!

Which means, by law, everything that I write must be read in a thick southern accent, shucks!

Number One: Porn, Porn, Porn, Porn, Porn, Porn, Porn, Porn!

What is it about porn that interests people so much?

Don’t answer that.

The point is, in the “what have people searched to get to your site” meter, I have twenty six different categories of people searching for gay porn. Not “twenty six people”. Twenty six CATEGORIES of hot gay sex. That’s more hot gay sex than I knew existed.

Meanwhile, on the heterosexual male side of this, we have 20 categories of people searching for Cortana porn. (Including one person searching for Cortana rape. Stay classy, internet.)

Nine categories of Ellie from Dead Space porn decide to show up, despite the fact that I only brought it up so I could make fun of it. Psi Ops porn? Yeah, people have searched for that too. Ghost rape? Yes. Scooby Doo hentai? Better believe it. Snowflame yaoi? Was there ever any doubt?!

I feel dirty.

I feel dirty.

And, after all that porn, has anyone ever been searching for porn about me?! No! No, they have not.

Blasphemy!

 

 

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2 Responses to “Narcissism, Thy Name Is Erik”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Tear Out My Spy-ne | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 25, 2013

    […] am always a fan of birthdays, which is why I take the time to shamelessly humiliate myself every time one comes along. And, according to the Omegle home page, today is […]

  2. #That’sAStupidFuckingTitle | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - June 6, 2013

    […] as we’ve well established for these anniversary deals, I will now spend the rest of today’s post being an intolerable fuckwit who pats his own […]

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