Trial By Fire 3: Slender Edition

6 Mar

I like to think of myself as an open minded, kind, and rational human being, who doesn’t discriminate or insult people or abstract concepts for no good reason.

But seriously, fuck PC gaming right in it’s goddamn ear. Trying to get in to PC gaming is like sticking your dick in a blender of pretension and spiders.

(This has been your daily dose of Swear Filled Sarcasm. That’ll be $19.99.)

So, considering my entirely justified PC prejudice and the fact that every time I choose a random video game trial with which to be an unlikeable twat towards it happens to be an Xbox game (woot run on sentences), you have to wondering: what kind of PC game could convince me to play it’s trial?

The short answer is: Slender: The Arrival! The long answer is: Slender: The HOLY FUCK WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WHERE DID HE GET THE TENTACLES OH GOD HBBLBBLLBBBERGERBER.

Long time viewers may remember my review of the original Slender; a game that was scarier than an entire bathtub of sexually frustrated scorpions with aspirations on my man-wich. And now it’s sequel has rolled in to town, like a tumble-weed of tentacles and terror, by the name of Slender: The Arrival.

But unlike the original, which was available to anyone willing to turn tricks on the internet, this new one requires actual money!

SPOOKY TEXT.

Money?! Why, I never!

It won’t come out yet for a while, and until then, I’m stuck with this good old fashioned trial! Which is good, because that means I’m able to call this “Trial By Fire” and not something stupid like “Damn It Feels Good To Be A Slenda” or something like that.

(Just watch, I’m going to eventually review the full game, and I just KNOW I’m going to name it “Damn It Feels Good To Be A Slenda”. I just know it.)

After hunting for several hours for my bright pink emasculating mouse, the game is afoot! But before the actual game gets started, I take the time to read the User Agreement thingy. Just to check if “Do Not Review” is on there and then, I dunno, then the fucking Rake breaks through the window.

He's actually coming for a high five.

Why yes, I DO know enough about the Slender Man mythos to reference the Rake. POINT: ERIK

The gameplay has remained essentially unchanged since the first game: walk through a forest that seems to have crawled out of Pod People‘s deepest nightmare and collect manuscript pages while a tall, pasty motherfucker tries to get his tentacle rape on.

Hah hah, it’s funny because it’s really freaking terrifying!

So, if the gameplay hasn’t changed, what has? Well, the graphics are fucking awesome, intriguing and moody and such. (Well, at least they USED to be, until I had to dial it back to normal before my computer started screaming and stabbing me in the face.)

The landscape has changed from a flat, dull forest, to a much more brambly and diverse environment, with hills and fields of flowers and such. I even lit myself on fire at one point! Maybe that’s what made me survive so long: the Slender Man saw me light myself on fire and just decided, “Fuck that. You’re weird.”

That's actually really pretty.

“Dude. Dude. What the hell?”

The screen has now become a camera, which helps explain why everything gets all static-y when Slendy starts stalking. Although, that does technically make this the first game filmed entirely on shaky-cam.

That’s a really surreal thought.

And finally, there’s the star of the show: Mister Slender Man! He’s taller now, he can walk, and most importantly: You can finally see his tentacles! Which has paved the way for all kinds of tentacle rape jokes, let me tell you.

And… that’s it! That’s the game. It’s a lot less scary than the first one, but a lot more fun to play, which I think is a good thing. I couldn’t make it five feet in the first game without screaming and smashing the Quit key like a Wack-A-Mole.

If you liked the first game, Slender: The Arrival is pretty much the same, but better. Definitely pre-order it, so you can get your hands on this trial.

Wait a second, am I being happy about something?

WHO’S BEEN FUCKING WITH MY SCRIPT?!

One Response to “Trial By Fire 3: Slender Edition”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Damn, It Feels Good To Be A Slender | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 28, 2013

    […] two, “The Eight Pages” is the exact same level from the trial AND from the original game and if I talk about this damn level one more time I am going to drive […]

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