Whale-y Of A Tale-y: An Asylum Review

8 Mar

According to every vagina in a ten block radius, today is International Women’s Day! And so in honour of this, most vague of holidays, I’m going to review a horror film with a strong female lead! And, because it’s me, of course it’s going to be awful when are they not awful I mean seriously.

Out of all the possible horror films for me to choose out of Netflix’s “Horror Film With Strong Female Lead” category, I’m choosing The Haunting Of Whaley Place because I’m always up for ghost whales. Also, the title keeps making me think of Wheatley.

He's blue, baboodee babooda.

“I. AM NOT. A HAUNTING.”

The film starts with a shot of a house, and immediately my “this movie will suck” censor starts going off. Not because I’m precogniscent or anything though if I was that would take a lot of time off these reviews, but because it proudly boasts “THE ASYLUM PRESENTS”. You know, movie, if you hadn’t said that, I might have come in to this with an open mind!

Not any more! The Haunting Of Tuna House is going to suck harder than a vacuum cleaner with daddy issues!

(Oh, and in case you don’t know who the Asylum are: THEY MAKE BAD MOVIES. I’VE REVIEWED SOME. There, that’s all you need to know.)

It pans over to three teenagers (the fat one, the brash one, and the black one), one of which is played by the fat perverted security guard from Bloody Mary 3-D! Man, I feel sorry for that guy. When your film career consists of Asylum films and Bloody Mary 3-D, it’s not just sad, it’s on fucking suicide watch.

The teenagers give some awkward exposition dialogue, establishing that the Whaley House used to be a morgue, now they hold tours, the fat guy is named Meathouse, and holy hell who named their kid Meathouse?!

The dialogue is actually pretty funny here, with some nice lines and banter. That’s a good sign! And, it has the funniest thing I’ve ever seen at the start of a scary movie. The brash teenager smashes a window with a rock, sees a ghost, takes a step back, and immediately gets smashed by a car. Cue credits.

Funny.

Buh dum tsh.

I’ve heard of smash cuts, but this is ridiculous!

Speaking of credits, according to my sister, they’re playing music from the Buffy The Vampire Slayer episode “Hush”. I don’t know whether it’s true or not, but if it is, then I desperately hope Sarah Michelle Gellar will show up and steak Meathouse.

(Seriously, Meathouse? The fuck?)

After the credits, we join the Whaley House Tour, led by a young tour guide in blue. One of the patrons spends the entire time seeing curtains move and rocking chairs rock, so she starts screaming that “this house is haunted as fuck!” until she keels over dead. An elderly guide helpfully informs Little Tour Girl Blue that “oh yeah, that happens all the time”.

Gee, that would have been useful to know… a couple minutes ago! Oh well, I’m sure the corpse won’t mind.

(Okay, she’s not actually dead. She just had a seizure. Happy now?!)

The elder guide, who reminds me of Professor McGonagall for some reason, lays down some rules. Rule 1: Don’t call out the ghosts. Rule 2: Don’t damage the house. (I’m sure the teenager currently spread all over the highway could have used that advice.) Rule 3: Don’t go in at night. Presumably, that’s when they have their freaky ghost orgies.

They just wanna, they just wanna, oh!

Ghosts just wanna have fun!

Little Tour Girl Blue (whose name is Penny, by the way), talks about how she doesn’t believe in ghosts, we get some clumsy foreshadowing, and McGonagall supplies the dumbest line in recent history: “Just because you don’t believe in ghosts, doesn’t mean ghosts don’t believe in you”.

Well, yeah, Penny doesn’t believe in ghosts, but does she believe in LAZER GHOSTS?!

Next scene, a collection of stereotypical teenagers (with no Meathouse, I am sorry to say) are sitting in a graveyard, discussing nipples and how people want to suck their mother’s nipples and wow, this got creepy fast.

Penny is in their numbers, they talk about ghosts, say “haunted as fuck” some more, and hatch a plan to go cock up some ghosts. At least, I think that’s what happened, with all the gratuitous close ups it was hard to focus. I feel like the entire scene is trying to French me.

So, despite McGonagall’s specific warning to the contrary, the five teenagers sneak in to the Fishy House after dark to find some ghosts. Once there, they team up with two black guys, one with a hat, and one who’s a crummy psychic. Yeah, because psychics always do so well in these kinds of movies! coughcoughjohnwaynegacyboobimplantscoughcough.

The seizure woman from earlier shows up actin’ all wacky and talking to the fancy dressed ghosts, which probably means very bad things. And lo and behold: she slices her throat with an axe. Which means that the whole “she’s not actually dead” footnote from earlier was completely fucking pointless!

Why is he covered in blood?

Screw you, plot point.

The black guy with the hat (his new name is “Hatman”) pulls out some ghost hunter technology so they could find ghosts… then he immediately throws it away so they could play with a poor man’s Ouija. Spot on ghost hunting, Hatman. Maybe next time you’ll put away a high powered machine gun so you can hit it with a rock.

Meanwhile, outside the house, the caretaker of the house is out walking with a woman who looks like every horror movie slut got combined in to some kind of SuperSlut. The caretaker decides to stop off to feed his kitten, and for some reason that pisses off his sex kitten.

(Nailed it.)

She pulls her tits out, for no reason other than the fact that is an Asylum film and they have to have boobs at some point, and walks off in a huff. Ah, just what I think of when I think “strong female lead”: a woman wearing so little clothing that you could sell it as napkins and and nobody’d raise an eyebrow.

The caretaker finds the head of the human who decided to go “Here’s Johnny” on her throat, freaks out, and immediately walks in to a sharp piece of metal. I don’t think that had anything to do with ghosts. I think he’s just clumsy as fuck. And trust me, when I’m around, fucks are incredibly clumsy.

The Moron Brigade inside the house find the “heart” of the house, and try to start a conversation. Cue background information that I don’t particularly care about. And apparently the ghosts agree, because they start slamming doors, which makes one of the interchangeable teenagers freak out!

One of the enterprising ghost buggers take advantage of this, and shouts boo! And considering that teenagers have absolutely no hand-eye coordination, this of course makes her fall down the stairs and break her neck. And considering her name is “Gazelle”, one might reasonably make a “not so graceful now, bitch” joke.

But you’d have to be pretty unlikeable all around to make a joke like that!

coughcough.

They argue a bit about if they should call the police or not (even managing to slip in a “who ya gonna call” bit) until they finally decide to bite the bullet and call the cops. Unfortunately, the ghosts happen to find battery acid delicious and drain the phone of power faster than you can say “plot convenience”.

When they decide to try to open the door, they find it set to “searing flesh”. See, the ghosts were a couple kills away from a killstreak, and the death of Antelope (was that her name? I forget) pushed them over the limit. Unfortunately for the Scooby Gang, that’s really bad. Fortunately for them, the ghosts didn’t actually choose “attack dogs”.

OM NOM NOM.

Pictured: the ghosts. Apparently.

The ghosts start off their new-found lease on death by smashing the Hatman’s gadgets, which makes him start his “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more” speech. And the ghosts… well, they don’t really like that. Cue ghost rape.

(I’ve tried that in real life, but shouting “cue ghost rape” never has the desired result.)

They head upstairs to have a frank, calm, rational discussion with the ghosts, and they accidentally end up crossing swords with the demonic ghost of a former murderer. All the MurderGhost does is try to high five the girl from the Wendy’s logo and tears a door down before deciding he needs a little ghost nap.

(Just adding “ghost” to the front of things make them a thousand times more badass. For example, a waffle is great. A ghostwaffle? BADASS.)

Two cops show up in response to Penny’s 911 call, and one of them gets murdered almost immediately. The murder of method? The “bleed from the eyes of nose and mouth” thing from Firefly. That, combined with the “Hush” music and the fact that the whole “trapped in a big house that bends itself to keep people from leaving” is bizarrely similar to a Buffy episode, leads me to believe that The Haunting Of Dolphin House has a hard-on for Joss Whedon.

The team, plus the one remaining cop, take refuge upstairs protected by a circle of sea salt, until the psychic leaves to go play paddy-cake with one of the ghosts. Almost immediately, the Wendy girl turns out to be a ghost now because that’s how that works apparently!

GhostWendy tries to explain why the ghosts have been after Penny the whole time, but the stupid “scary voice” effect makes it sound like she’s gargling bees so for all I know, she could have been explaining who killed JFK.

Wendy goes back to normal, but that doesn’t  stop one of the prats tryins to break open a window. Instead of the window just disappearing like the far superior Buffy episode, the ghosts just whip a chair at him and turn him in to shish-ka-knob.

Wendy, despite not being a ghost any more, is still bat-buggering insane, and kills the cop and then herself, which the remaining two characters seem strangely sad about. LOOK, TWATS, SHE SPENT THE ENTIRE MOVIE EITHER TRYING TO KILL YOU OR SCREAMING LIKE A NINNY. WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN? THAT EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE FINE? THEN YOU ALL GET LEMONADE?

Pretty!

THEN THERE’S A RAINBOW?

Penny starts whimpering about how everything is hopeless, which I found strange. Considering the comments Penny made before everything went bad (She kept saying they could only be there for 30 minutes), police response time, and the comments made by the police officers, it has been at most an hour. That’s a little early to be talking suicide, isn’t it? I’ve spent more time on the toilet.

Suddenly, Penny and The Other Guy Who Dies In Ten Seconds So I’m Not Bothering To Learn His Name decide to try to get out through the fire escape, and The Other Guy Who Dies In Ten Seconds So I’m Not Bothering To Learn His Name gets his arm bitten off by the same MurderGhost who just killed the psychic and The Other Guy Who Dies In Ten Seconds So I’m Not Bothering To Learn His Name ends up running in to some piano wire the ghosts just happen to have up.

Fresh from his murder of the psychic and The Other Guy Who Dies In Ten Seconds So I’m Not Bothering To Learn His Name, the MurderGhost crawls out of the wall to try to eat Penny, until the less murderous ghosts give him a playful slap on the wrist and the finger waggle of “Oh you and your murdering people. You’re so silly!”.

THERE ARE NO WHALES IN THIS MOVIE WHAT THE HELL.

Really? You had to put that stupid quote at the bottom of the POSTER, too?

The ghosts almost decide to snack on Penny, until she convinces them she’s not Violet (whoever Violet is) and they decide to let her go. Of course, because Penny is a complete dumbass, she immediately falls down a flight of stairs. That’s, what, the third death in this movie the ghosts had nothing to do with? I’m surprised there aren’t more ghosts in this movie, the rate people just randomly die.

The next morning (even though the officer specifically said the cops would be there in 30 minutes, what the hell) another police officer shows up with McGonagall to clean up the mess. With all these random deaths, I’m surprised people people don’t just carry body bags around 24/7.

McGonagall starts chewing out the ghosts for “taking Penny”, all while GhostPenny watches in horror, but the whole scene makes no sense. The ghosts deliberately saved her. That death was her own damn fault. And what, none of the other characters get GhostCameos? I like to think they’re standing just off-screen and saying, “Wait, really? We all got killed because you happen to look like somebody the ghosts knew? What the hell, man? What the actual hell?!”

And the movie comes to a close, with a song that’s a lot less “Whedon-y” then before.

So, that’s The Haunting Of Sea Otter House. How was it?

Well, it was consistently entertaining, that’s for sure. It had some funny dialogue, the story was okay, and some of the jump scares lived up to their name. Plus, the deaths were freaking hilarious.

But the characters are highly annoying, it’s not really that scary, the funny bits are few and far between, a lot of the dialogue is really hard to hear, and it’s really kinda dumb. It’s the kind of movie you watch with a bunch of friends, with a 2-litre of soda and a pizza.

Of course, I wasn’t watching it with friends.

I was watching it by myself.

Alone.

Moving on.

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One Response to “Whale-y Of A Tale-y: An Asylum Review”

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  1. You laugh when i say that my house has a ghost… | bluepearlgirl's world - March 10, 2013

    […] Whale-y Of A Tale-y: An Asylum Review (averystrangeplace.com) […]

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