Top Seven 80’s Music Videos

15 Mar

I still feel as sick as a veritable football field of particularly unwell dogs so that means that either I make a post today that involves as little work as possible or I spend the entire day masturbating furiously.

(It’s really an either/or situation.)

So let’s go through my top seven 80’s music videos, if only to give me an excuse for listening to Duran Duran all day.

Number Seven: Hungry Like The Wolf

Speak of the devil, and he appears. In a silly hat.

(Oh, I can’t talk, I’m the guy who walks around in a squid hat most of the time.)

And, aprapros of nothing, Wikipedia says the band name, Duran Duran, came from the villain from Barbarella. You remember, that movie with the Excessive Machine? That kills people with orgasms?

Man, the 80’s were a magical time.

Number Six: Pressure

Oh, Billy Joel. I like you songs, but videos… really aren’t your strongsuit. The effects in this look like something somebody put together in a lunch break.

Actually, I have a funny story about this song. The Xbox 360 allows you to play music in the middle of games, without stopping the game. So one day I switched this song on, and then I slipped in Soul Calibur 2, a game for the original Xbox. Soul Calibur 2 is notable for the fact that my sister can kick my ass in that game any day of the week.

(If I didn’t mention that, I’m fairly certain she would kill me with her brain.)

Anyway, once I started playing the game, I couldn’t bring up the music menu any more, trapping me in an eternal loop of Billy Joel of which the only escape was lodging a pickaxe in the hard drive.

What does that have to do with the music video? Absolutely nothing, this is just shameless filler.

MWA HAH HAH HAH FEAR MY TIME WASTING ABILITIES!

Number Five: Walk The Dinosaur

This music video raises several important questions, each more important than the last. First of all, were there bow ties in the dinosaur times? If so, why are there no pictures?

ANSWER THAT, SCIENCE.

Second of all, has anyone ever “walked the dinosaur”? I mean, good god. That dance looks ridiculous.

And finally, is that a legitamate way to enter a room? “Open the door, get on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur”? Because that sounds like it would chafe something awful.

Number Four: One Night In Bangkok 

Holy hell, listen to that voice. What, is Murray Head the Patron Saint of Nasally Vocals?

And that 40 second instrumental opening sounds like it came from a completely different song. Like, they got really drunk after a good night of Bangkok whoring and decided to steal it wholesale.

But hey, at least it offers the best rejection to anything ever!

“Hey, do you wanna go volunteer at the kindergarten tomorrow?”

“No, I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine.”

“…”

“BANGKOK!”

Number Three: Spin Me Right Round

No, we’re not talking about the fucking Flo Rida version! If you prefer that version, get the fuck out.

I- just- GAHHHHH!

Okay, I think I’m out of snob rage.

If I was going to describe this music video in one word, it’d be hair. My second word would also be hair, as would be my third word, and all the others would be “that man is so obviously gay”.

Number Two: Take On Me

Ah, a classic music video, detailing the greatest love story ever told. Or at least, that’s what everyone who lived in the 80’s says.

A young woman gets pulled in to her comic book, which lets face it, happens to everyone, and meets the boy of her dreams (?). Unfortunately for the both of them, she gets chased off by a bunch of ruffians with pipe wrenches because what else are a bunch of ruffians with pipe wrenches going to do other than chase people off?

She leaves, and later, the man manages to escape his attackers and makes himself a real boy, covered in a suspicious amount of sweat! Now they can live together forever!

[Insert cooing studio audience here.]

Of course, this is actually really creepy because the guy isn’t a real person and may not even be anatomically correct, but who cares about genitals, am I right?

I mean, women have no uses for penises, right?

Number One: She Blinded Me With Science

If somebody out there feels like explaining what “she blinded me with science” actually means, I’d be happy to hear.

What, did she throw hydrochloric acid in his eyes? Shoot his pupils with high speed lasers? Douse his corneas with rocket fuel?

Hell, I’ve gone out with girls like that.

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