Top 10 Horror Movie Trailers, Part 2

23 Mar

You know, I hate it when you spend a nice night playing Tomb Raider and getting blitzed on peach schnapps, only to wake up in the morning filled with shame and a hangover strong enough to kill either a bull elephant or possibly Keith Richards.

So, as is my usual fall back in situations like this, it’s time to go rolling around the internet, looking for interesting things to poke/write about. And today, I rolled right around the septic tank and landed square in the horror movie trailer’s Fleshpit. (Isn’t that a great word?)

Ahem.

Number 10: Husk

Remember when scarecrows were scary and made great horror movie villains?

Yeah… me neither.

Hell, that random woman who stabbed nails in to her nails would probably be a better villain! I mean, admittedly all she could do is give you a wicked bitch slap, but at least she’s not made out of fucking wicker and reeds! Wicker and reeds aren’t scary! They’re flammable!

(Unless, of course, they’re being used against Nicholas Cage. Then they’re terrifying as balls.)

Number 9: Skew

What’s that? A found footage horror movie that attempts to incorporate fourth wall breaking scares in to the plot, thus justifying the entire “found footage” concept to begin with?

AHHHH! ORIGINALITY! IT BUUUUURNS US! HISSSSSSS!

But, to be fair, Skew is a really stupid title. A more proper title would be “Attack Of The Wiggly Faces” or maybe “Why Do I Keep Going On Road Trips With You People?!”.

Number 8: Barricade

I’m fairly certain that “The WWE is producing horror films” is one of the signs of the apocalypse.

But at least this trailer asks the daring question that millions have asked! “How do you protect (filmclipsfilmclipsfilmclips) the ones you love (filmclipsfilmclipsfilmclips) when evil lurks inside?”

Man, evil ALWAYS lurks. Why doesn’t it ever prance, or cavort, or even sashay?

Number 7: Big Bad Wolf

There are many things I could say about this trailer. Like, why is this called “Big Bad Wolf”?

Or, how far can you stretch a metaphor before it snaps?

Or, why do horror movies hate religion so much?

But all I can think is HOLY HELL AT 0:54 WHY IS THAT GIRL IN AMY POND COSPLAY?!

(Well, it was about the Bad Wolf, so Amy Pond showing up isn’t that out of the ordinary. Presumably John Barrowman is just off screen the entire time, pelvic thrusting everybody in the cast.)

Number 6: 6 Souls

Get it? Number six? 6 Souls? Damn, I’m good.

And, now that we’ve established my intense, awe inspiring greatness, I present to you: THE WORST PSYCHIATRIST EVER.

“Hello, intensely disturbed young man! I know that you’ve been tortured and abused as a young boy so allow me to take you, by myself of course because that can’t possibly go wrong, in to the exact woods where it happened! After that, maybe we’ll take a road trip to Silent Hill because I’m on such a roll with this ‘making horrible decisions’ thing.”

Actually, that’s a lie: the worst psychiatrist ever was the one from Cat People. The main character tells him that she feels that “everybody is conspiring against me and they all think I’m crazy” so the psychiatrist’s first impulse is to immediately conspire with her friends to have her thrown in a loony bin against her will.

But the one in 6 Souls is more of a twat and the one in Cat People is more of a dick.

Number 5: The Ward

Can’t decide on two genres? No problem, just slam them both together and add in a few titties for style.

This movie looks like the natural result of a really bizarre orgy between The Haunting, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest and Halloween.

(Okay, maybe “natural” isn’t the right word.)

Still, it’s directed by John Carpenter!

So.

You know.

It’s got that going for it.

Number 4: Devil’s Playground

ACCENTSACCENTSACCENTSACCENTS.

Sorry about that, I have a condition.

You know, why is it that pharmaceutical companies are the goddamned devil in these movies? You’d think “turns everybody in to a zombie” would be a something a company would want to avoid.

“Sir, the results are back from the lab.”

“And? How does the new eye-shadow with the ironic name hold up?”

“Not good. It turns out using Werepire turns people in to horrible flesh eating zombies.”

“Aw, fuck. The fast kind or the slow kind?”

“The fast kind.”

“Fuck.”

Number 3: The Midnight Game

Look, am I doing something wrong?!

I keep seeing these movies about teenagers being completely moronic and trying to summon ancient evil monstrosities presumably because there’s nothing good on T.V that evening and I start thinking: what am I doing wrong? Why don’t I get to do incredibly stupid things?!

Sigh.

Life is so unfair.

Maybe I should go yank Yog-Sothoth’s nipple or tickle the Slender Man or something else utterly suicidal. 

Number 2: Girls Against Boys

Hey, look, it’s a movie about rape!

Man, it sure is good that there hasn’t been some horrible rape related crime in recent memory.

Specifically, one in which the rapists were treated in an unbelievably insulting manner for the victims.

Because, you know, if there was such a crime, that would make this incredibly awkward!

Next movie.

Number 1: Dead Snow

Holy hell, this trailer is orgastisch.

(Huzzah for Google Translate!)

For those who can’t speak “trailer”, let me summarize the exposition dump: Nazis were chillin’ up in Norway, stealing everybody’s gold because Nazis are dicks like that, until a bunch of Norwegian medical students head to the mountains and disturb the Nazi’s gold because Norwegian medical students are dicks like that.

And then… something wonderful happens.

This trailer is actually a really great representation of the movie, in that the first half looks like your average horror movie trailer and the rest, at about 1:45 is pure adrenaline and machismo and explosions and Nazis and zombies and unbelievable special effects and rocking character deaths and machine guns and chainsaws and-

Whoa.

Okay, I think I need a cigarette.

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One Response to “Top 10 Horror Movie Trailers, Part 2”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Top 10 Horror Movie Trailers, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 21, 2013

    […] Oh, great, it’s the bizarre, twisted spunkbaby between Tomb Raider and Dead Snow. […]

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