Lara Croft, The Human Chew Toy

26 Mar

Hey! Put your hands up if you like watching attractive young women being horribly brutalized in every sense of the word!

(Oh god, please tell me nobody put their hands up.)

Is it just me, or is she staring at the title?

One really has to wonder what’s going on at Tomb Raider HQ. I mean, for pretty much the entire series, the main selling point was Lara Croft’s massive boobage, and now they roll out a prequel and suddenly the main selling point is the pain and subjugation of Croft! Jesus, are you going through your angsty teenager faze? Should I hide the black hair dye and NIN records?

Anyway, new Tomb Raider game! This is normally where I would start explaining the back-story and the premise and all that (my summary would pretty much just be “fuck tigers”, repeated ad nauseum) but this game is a prequel and that means that I can completely ignore all the other games and spend this time dancing in my underwear!

(Enjoy that mental image.)

The plot is, Lara Croft and her team of racial diversified characters who exist only to die at dramatically appropriate moments are the Dragon’s Triangle, which I was shocked to learn is an actual place! Apparently it’s like the Bermuda Triangle, only it hangs out near Japan so presumably that means it involves more [INSERT JAPANESE REFERENCES HERE].

[INSERT PHOTOSHOPPED TENTACLE MONSTERS HERE.] Although, I guess that’s not ALL we’ll be inserting, BOOM!

Unfortunately for Lara, she crashes directly in to an island. Apparently she’s been getting piloting lessons from Isaac Clarke. Said island happens to be the home of about a million cultists who want nothing more than to shove Lara down a pike, Cannibal Holocaust style and also to sacrifice the resident damsel in distress to their Storm Queen.

Well, really, what ELSE are you going to do with a damsel?! Other than making disturbing fan art of course.

Hey, wait a second.

I’ve learnt an important lesson: I will get WAY more views if I include sexy fan art about whatever I’m talking about.

Okay, stupid cheesecake out of the way. Back to the review!

The first hour of this game is one of the worst games I’ve ever played, mostly because of that one word. You know, “played”. As in, A GAME. The entire hour is nothing but quick time event, followed by walking, followed by quick time event. It’s so boring. Nothing really opens up for me until the rape!

Wow, what a poorly worded sentence.

See, after the damsel gets nice and thoroughly distressed, Lara gets captured by the cultists and very nearly raped. But Lara, ever the wily one, kills Mister Rapist and gets her nice little “oh god what have I done” moment, until she decides she must murder every living thing on the island and oh god it is so fun. Squeeeee the murder of my fellow man.

The thrill of sneaking up on a stupid cultist, the tension of the bow as I pull the string back, the soft twang as it enters the soft flesh of my un-expecting victim- these are the things that make me far stiffer than any stupid T&A.

That's a lie.

But, you know. The T&A helps.

And, unfortunately for my snide comments, I both love the combat AND the platforming. Aw, poop. I guess that means I LIKE this game!


But still, the story remains a nice, fat target for mockery. Namely, for five reasons. First of all, how the hell does Lara survive half this stuff?! She gets dropped down mountains on a regular basis, she explodes, gets stabbed, burnt, hit by lighting, riddled by bullets, etc! What, is she the fucking Highlander?!

Secondly, the final boss of the entire game is a quick time event. Why?! Did the cocaine budget run low and you needed to rush the game out as soon as possible?! Or maybe your “creativity” department just got wasted.

Thirdly, there’s one character whose name I forget, whose entire roll in the story is to disagree with Lara. Lara says yes, she says no. Lara says “lets do something”, she says “sit on our ass”. Lara says “don’t leave”, she says “leave”. Lara says “leave”, she says “never”.

Erik says “fuck off”, she says “actually, I can’t talk with this arrow down my throat”.

Fourthly (is that a word?), the game builds up the climax with the undead Storm Queen the entire game, only to have the entire thing done in a cutscene. Not even a quick time event! Just a cutscene! I spent the entire cutscene waiting for the boss battle to start up, but it never did.





And finally, nobody can pronounce her name. It’s LARA. Not “Laura”. Two different names!

(There you go, Mom. Did you think I’d go the entire review without mentioning that?)

One Response to “Lara Croft, The Human Chew Toy”


  1. Top 10 Horror Movie Trailers, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 21, 2013

    […] great, it’s the bizarre, twisted spunkbaby between Tomb Raider and Dead […]

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