Trial By Fire 4: Injustice Edition

4 Apr

According to that drunken hobo on the bus, Injustice: Gods Among Us has released a demo today! Also, he has several genital infections, and his tapeworm is the size of a grapefruit, but that is neither here nor there.

Injustice is a new fighting game about the DC universe, which boasts massive, epic battles and also an unique story. And, I think we can all agree that that is a straight up lie. The “massive epic battles” are just one-on-one, two dimensional fist fights, and the story is about an evil Superman, which I think has only been used in every story ever.

Lies! Nothing but lies! Wait, is that Cyborg? Sweet.

When the trial starts up, we catch the immediate wiff of a game taking itself far, far too seriously. We get over-stylized glimpses of the characters playing over the menus, and I think this game has forgotten that it’s about a rich guy dressed like a bat smacking a farmboy in his underwear.

Know your boundaries, is all I’m saying.

Out of the sizeable cast, we get a choice of three characters; Wonder Woman, Lex Luthor, and the Goddamned Batman. Naturally I choose Batman, because then I’ll have an excuse to cart around scantily clad orphan boys.

My first match is versus Batman, who I have to assume is actually Dick Grayson just so the world won’t implode. Unfortunately for him, I figured out the “grappling hook” button five seconds in, and the rest of the fight is pretty much just me bouncing off his chest over and over again. Dignified. 

Oh, and I hit him with a fire hydrant. 

Fire Hydrants: Nature’s Sexiest Killing Machine.

The second one is against Wonder Woman, and this one is even less dignified. It was right about here where I learned about the destructible backgrounds, so the entire fight was just me bouncing Wonder Woman of a helicopter over and over again. Look, nobody said I play fair, okay?!

The third one is against Lex Luthor, and after compiling my skills of fire hydrants and helicopters and grapple-slapples, I pounded him in to the dirt.

Finally, I face off against Doomsday. I- wait a second, how the hell can Batman fight Doomsday?! HE KILLED SUPERMAN WITH HIS BARE HANDS. Hell, IN THIS FIGHT, Doomsday punches Batman through the centre of the earth.

TWICE.

But despite this little murder hiccup, and the fact that he can just brush off my attacks, I lay Doomsday down for the count. The end! Cue Harley Quinn cheesecake shot.

Hello, Nurse!

Huh. I guess I’m done.

You know, there are two more characters…

Lets up the difficulty, and try that again! This time, lets try out Luthor.

Now on a higher difficulty, the opponents can actually do some damage, and even have the gall to hit me with a fire hydrant! Who even does that, anyway?

Doomsday even manages do kill me, but on round two, I managed to find the “orbital laser” button, and I turned him in to a grease stain. (I’m pretty sure that’s cheating, by the way.)

Lexxy is a bit more difficult, and I have to rely on actual combos, but it’s still not enough! TURN UP THE DIFFICULTY TO ELEVEN.

AND… BRING OUT WONDER WOMAN.

On “Hard”, things get… well, hard. The “get pounded in the dirt” ratio has been drastically altered, and not in my favour. I get knocked down every step of the way, especially the Batman fight, which I only won because I lodged a helicopter up his butt and yes maybe I will marry a helicopter if I like it that much.

Wonder Woman gets to use both her whip and a sword, which raises the question of “how does Batman survive a sword in the gut”, but who knows, maybe somebody replaced his Gatorade with a Lazarus Pit.

So, that’s the Injustice: Gods Among Us trial!

Three times.

This game was made by the same guys who made Mortal Kombat, and you can definitely tell. It almost seems like a Mortal Kombat mod, but enough changes (only one round, double health bar, destructible background, DC characters) have been made to make it seem fresh.

And they’ve taken out the “nightmarish” fatalities and “X Ray moves” and replaced them with HILARITY. Seriously, they play a montage of them at the end of the demo, and it is PRICELESS. Aquaman feeds Solomon Grundy to a shark, Batman mows down Bane in the Batmobile, Sinestro hits Green Lantern with a moon and throws him back on earth, etc, etc.

So, I guess that’s my reccomendation. If you’d like your Mortal Kombat with less terror and more funny, grab this demo!

Okay, fine, I’ll add more cheesecake.

shamelessshamelessshamelessshamelessshamelessshamelessshamelessshamelessshamelessshamelessshameless…

 

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