7 Tips For Finding The Perfect Woman

8 Apr

Ah, love. Depending on who you ask, it’s either the greatest emotion one can feel, a normal combination of chemicals and brains functions, or the only reliable way to kill Voldemort.

But all the love in the world is useless you have the right woman to share it with, and today, I’m going to show you how!

(Note: If you wish to use these tips to find a man, simply add “and a penis” to the end of every sentence.)

(Also Note: That last note also applies to my upcoming cookbook.)

Number 7: Find Hunting Grounds

Women, like all animals, crowd in established areas, to reduce the threat of predators. Your goal, first and foremost, should be to make sure the ground you have chosen is a female hunting ground. A ground where you hunt females, not where females hunt you. That would be counter-productive.

To make sure that the area in question is said hunting ground, simply lick the ground. If it tastes like ovaries, than you’ve hit the jackpot. You’ve found a female hot spot! If it tastes like salt, you’re actually hunting deer. Try to avoid that.

(Another Note: If you do not know what ovaries taste like, than you no longer deserve to hunt women. Return your adventure hat and handlebar moustache post-haste.)

Number 6: Stalking Is Your Only Option

Now, assuming that you’ve located a woman, you’d naturally assume that your first response is to talk to her, right?



Upon finding a female, you must immediately steal her wallet. This is not, as one might expect, to empty her bank account so you can get royally drunk later on, but so you can find out where she lives. Once there, familiarize yourself with the ins and outs of her life. What foods does she like? Does she have a favourite band? Is there anything interesting in her medical records? How does she react when she finds a masked pervert standing over her while she sleeps?

Little things like that.

Number 5: Introduce Yourself

So now that you know target inside and out, and she doesn’t know that you’re the one she set a restraining order against, you can finally introduce yourself! But be warned; a single screw up here can jeopardize this entire operation and send you careening in to failure and impotency.

The first thing you need to use is a pick-up line. And fortunately for you, we have several examples for you! Which is good, because you are just so ungodly incompetent. 

“Hey, you come to this bar a lot? Oh, what am I talking about, of course you do. Not- not that I’ve been watching you, or anything!”

“Hello, I’m [Insert Name Here], and you have some truly magnificent hooters.”

“Hi, I’m just throwing this out there but… how do you feel about masked perverts. NOT FOR ME, though. For a friend, you know.”

“Yo, baby. You know… it’s proportional.”

(Return Of The Note: this last one only works if you are incredibly tall.)

(Ahem. Ladies.)

I will never, ever get tired of this picture.

Number 4: Order Food!

Wherever your hunting ground is located, odds are it contains food of some sort. After all, women are universally recognized to be entirely dependent on food, the pansies. 

Make sure to choose a food that is suitably erotic. Maybe chicken fingers in the shape of penises, or a marina sauce that whispers sweet nothings in your ear, something like that.

And when you order the food, you have to do it subtly. Don’t just scream it across the room, you have to crawl over to the server, pull yourself up to they ear, and hiss your order. If you do it quickly enough, you can have the food ordered before your target notices, or at least before she calls the police.

Number 3: Bow Chicka Bow Wow

If you dropped those acid tabs when I told you to, they should be kicking in now, which is perfect for this next part.

By this point in the date, your target will most likely be bringing up sex. This will either be because of those vagina shaped cupcakes you ordered, or the fact that you spent the entire meal thrusting your hips at her.

Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yeah, do that.

In any case, immediately escort her to your house/sex dungeon. Make sure not to go to her house, because after the aforementioned stalking, she’ll probably be mildly disconcerted by your familiarity with her apartment, or the fact that you have your own key.

As for the actual sex itself, I am required by court order not to go in to too many details, but I am allowed to mention the horse mask, the keg of industrial strength rubbing alcohol, and the fact that your target is almost certainly dead by this point.

Number 2: Hiding The Body

Fortunately for you, the police response time in your neighbourhood is over 10 minutes, which gives you just enough time to rub away the shame.

The first thing you’ll want to do is remove the jaw bone, because not only will that make the body unrecognisable in the long run, but it’ll probably totally freak out the first cop who sees it and isn’t that a hoot.

Next, try to produce as much semen as possible. Investigation units often examine murder scenes for biological evidence, so this is your only possible option. Wait, is it? I forget.

(Note: I feel I should let you know I’ve been drinking severely by this point.)

Number 1: Representing Yourself In Court

“Your honour, in closing, I have never heard of the defendant. His claims to have done his heinous, heinous crimes at my behest are almost certainly fabricated. Particularly that bit about the semen, that was just weird. In my personal opinion, he is one hundred percent guilty, and should be hanged while simultaneously being beaten by every women in the bar, and maybe also a couple of other women too, if they feel like it. This man is worse than Hitler.”

"This courtroom just got Godwin's Law-ed!"

“This courtroom just got Godwin’s Law-ed!”



One Response to “7 Tips For Finding The Perfect Woman”

  1. Frank April 9, 2013 at 12:47 am #

    Have you ever wondered how you could help those who are less fortunate than you?

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