Attack The Gas Station? Don’t Mind If I Do!

14 Apr

Having apparently decided that my life’s calling is “watching absolutely unwatchable movies”, finding an actual GOOD movie is all the better. It’s like if your day job was “sticking your dick in a beehive” and then one day you found some sweet, sweet honey.

(Oh yeah, two sentences in and I already made a dick joke. I’M BACK IN THE SADDLE, BABY!)

 

I’M A REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE!

The particularly dickhoney to which I refer is none other than Attack The Gas Station, a Korean movie and I think that’s a first for this site. To celebrate, the rest of this post will be written entirely in Korean!

내가 유창 한국어를 구사 좋은거야. 그리고 “유창한 한국어”로, 나는 “구글 번역”을 의미합니다.

(And if you can’t speak Korean, don’t worry. This’ll be subtitled! So… it’ll be written in English, I guess.)

The movie opens with a gang of Korean youths attacking a gas station. And then they- WE MUST INTERRUPT TODAY’S POST FOR A SPECIAL MESSAGE: AT ABSOLUTELY NO POINT IN THIS REVIEW WILL WE REFERENCE GANGNAM STYLE.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

You can thank me later. Actually, you can thank me right now. Do it.

After attacking the gas station and making off with the money, the group decides to rob the gas station a second time. Why? Well, as the title card puts it, “Why do they attack the gas station? Just because!”

Wait, “Just because”?

OH GOD, RICO RODRIGUEZ IS COMING TO DESTROY KOREA!

The teenagers take the gas station hostage, and hit upon the brilliant idea of running the gas station themselves, and keeping all the money! Naturally, hilarity ensues. Violent, psychotic hilarity.

Our four “protagonists” (are we allowed to call them protagonists if they’re all jerks?) are Blackhair, the leader, Whitehair, the artist, Longhair, the rocker, and Hat. They swear, break things, and generally cause a ruckus, and somehow manage to piss off just about everybody in Korea.

And that brings us to the first of many things that this movie teaches us! Number One: Every single person in Korea has a gang.

Everyone. Delivery boys, schoolyard bullies, everyone.

Most of the movie alternates between them pissing off somebody else, Hat finding new and interesting ways to screw with the hostages, or people just trying to find new ways to entertain themselves. For example, Hat forces the hostages to beat each other with sticks!

(That is one of the many reasons you should never give me superpowers: Because that is so what I would do.)

Whitehair paints a naked woman on one of the signs in the gas station, Longhair forces the hostages to become an a capella group so he can listen to some rocking music, and Blackhair breaks the phone, then demands the manager of the gas station to rebuild it.

Then, after the manager rebuilds it, he does it again.

And again.

He really hates phones, apparently.

The movie comes to a close when the cops, the bullies, the delivery boys, the mafia (or whatever you call the Korean equivalent of that) , and the local pool hall all show up to kick some ass. People are tossed through glass, doused in gasoline, and beaten with sticks, and a good time is had by all. And by “good time”, I mean “grievous bodily harm”.

Our three miscreants ride off in to the sunset, their bank accounts now suitably plump, everyone still remaining at the gas station threatens to light everybody else on fire, those people in the trunk never get brought up again, that woman never puts her shirt back on, I learn that there is apparently a sequel, and I go to bed, happy in knowing that this is the greatest movie ever made.

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