Freshly Riffed 28: I’ve Hidden Knives, Like, Everywhere

16 Apr

Welcome back to Freshly Riffed, the only web series willing to spoil Bioshock Infinite every step of the way.

Are you ready?


I'm pretty sure Bruce Willis doesn't look that good in a dress.

Oh god, I love my job.

According to the Mayan calender I dragged out of my backyard, Freshly Riffed is where I make fun of the titles of Freshly Pressed blog posts. Also, “Mayan calender” jokes are still cool, right?

Each title will be linked to the original authors, because Nostradamus foretold it, so if I don’t do it now I’ll just come off as an ass. If you are one of said original authors, hiya! If you touch my candy I will knife you, and remember; All mockery is for mockery’s sake, and should not be taken seriously.


Time Travel: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Figure out what you’re saying, and get back to me five minutes ago.

Trip: Well, okay!

Did that help?

Now Anne Frank’s a Belieber: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the top ten jokes I can make about that!

10: “Well, if she can survive Hitler, Bieber’s a drop in the bucket.”

9: “Is there an actual difference between a Nazi gas chamber and a Bieber concert?”

8: “One is the cause of millions of deaths and every single person on earth would want to kill and the other one’s Hitler, predictable joke woot.”

7: “If I ever see somebody ‘heiling’ Bieber, I’m going to put my foot through the nearest TV and dive out the nearest window.”

6: “Note to self: If worse comes to worse, I can kill Bieber by throwing the Soviets at him.”

5: “Well, to be frank… fuck Bieber.”

4: “I’m totally on board for making Bieber-… look, can I please stop saying Bieber?”

3: “It hurts my soul every time I type it.”

2: “I am begging you. Literally begging you.”

1: “Belieber? I JUST MET ‘ER!”


A New Vantage Point: Syria: Would you people stop bringing up Syria?! We’ve already established that I have no jokes for Syria!

Hundreds Of Lost Souls: The Graves Of The Undocumented: Jesus, you’re a cheery sort. You probably corner people at parties, breathing through your nose and going on about dead babies and sad puppies. At least until somebody drowns you in the punch bowl.

(Do any parties actually have punch bowls nowadays? Somebody should probably check on that.)

Real College Classes Have Writing Assignments And Required Reading: Writing assignments? Writing assignments?!


Um. Not what I meant, but that’s cool too.

Cruising Yoknapatawpha: Cruise it? I can’t even pronounce it.

Let’s Talk, Dear Friend: Are… are you breaking up with me?

Thank God Birds Don’t Have Blogs: That is the weirdest things I have heard all day. Congratulations.

One Hell Of A Hammer: 

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