Why Would You Awaken The Dead? THAT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA.

18 Apr

What is it with all the zombie movies nowadays? There are, quite literally, too many zombie movies to count. You’d think all of Hollywood was being blackmailed by the Undead Actor’s Union.

Please tell me that “The Undead Actor’s Union” actually exists. Because if it doesn’t, I am going to be SO PISSED.

Awaken The Dead is another such zombie film, one I stumbled upon through Netflix while I was trying to find a romantic comedy. For… you know, completely manly reasons. Not that I like romantic comedies, or anything. Nope, I’m all about the penis.

Not like that! I mean…

Anyway, to the movie!

The film opens with a production logo that surely tasked Windows Movie Maker, followed by a close up of a zombie face, followed by the “credits”. And by “credits”, I mean they played the credits over some bargain bin NIN, with a horribly animated flooded city in the background.

Wow, this movie couldn’t go for just ONE bad impression. No no, it had to string together THREE in rabid succession. It’s like some bizarre Human Centipede of failure, stretching through this movie’s first ten seconds.

The rest of the credits are played over stock footage of an actual city, instead of being played over happens when you spill grape juice in the Matrix. We get some lovely red tinted shots of some shirtless schmoe with a cross around his neck, tattooed on his back, and painted across the entire scene as he sleeps in a Crucifixion Position.

SYMBOLISM!

The first thing that one might notice about this movie is that it paints everything in a nice shade of pretentious. And also a shade of red, because watching somebody get out of bed is really freaking exciting if it’s tinted red.

Suddenly, I’m intensely aroused!

Our resident priesty fellow gets out of bed, grabs a letter, and slices it open with his bat’leth, which I think all priests have to carry around by law.

The letter gives some foreshadowing and tells him to go to “the old house”, which is great, because all cities only have one old house, right? We cut to a young, utterly naked woman, who gets a letter telling her to stay in the house and “I’ll be there soon”. See, this was back before telephones, when the Scream Killer had to use the postal service to spook people out.

(At least it’s better than when he used telegrams.)

“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU. STOP. I HAVE A KNIFE. STOP. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE HORROR MOVIE. STOP. I WILL NEVER STOP. STOP.”

Priesty hops in to his driving montage, banks off the opening scene from Manos, and heads to “the old house”. Said old house is… the house where that woman was told to stay! PLOT TWIST okay, not really.

She tries to take a chunk out of him with a baseball bat, but he’s apparently that priest from Brain Dead, and uses his mad Kung Fu skills to evade her.

The two exchange some exposition dialogue. The Priest is a priest (duh) and he knows the girl’s father, who is the only person in the world who still sends letters. The Girl hates her father AND the Priest, which is just dandy by my count.

They discuss their predicament (“We want to leave, but this old guy wrote us a letter! WHAT’LL WE DOOOOOOO”), and we cut to two Asian schoolgirls. They spy a plane, which promptly farts zombie juice on them. (Oh yeah, a fart joke. Classy.)

The Priest’s car has it’s tires slashed, so Priesty and the Girl sit around bickering about how much they hate that old guy.

“I hate him more!”

“No, hate him more!”

“I hate him so much, I get a literal boner of hate.

“I hate him so much, if hate were people, I’d be China.

Try not to get your hate-boner and your hate-China confused.

Suddenly, a big burly black guy storms in and threatens the Girl, until the Priest threatens to turn eviscerate his mansalad. Burly does his “You haven’t seen the last of me, Batman!” as he scurries away with his dick between his legs.

Ten seconds later, two Witnesses show up to try and convert the Girl, and we get some really awkward comedy as the Priest tries to send them off. You know, brandishing a knife, a Sodom and Gomorrah, that sort of thing. That’s not a movie scene, that’s my daily beauty regiment!

The Burly schmuck decides that now would be a GREAT time to try to shoot the Priest in the face, and he immediately stumbles in to the two zombie school girls. Insert biting sound effects here.

Now please, moment of silence for that utterly forgettable character.

Thank you.

We’ll never forget you… whoever you were.

The Girl tries to seduce the Priest, which goes about as well as one might expect. I mean, she’s not a teenage boy! What did she expect?!

(Hello, predictable joke, how are you?)

The Priest goes to sleep, dreams of some faceless people, and then wakes up. Immediately, he goes to sleep again, and then he dreams of mouthless people. What, can his brain not decide what facial feature it hates more? Was he traumatized by a Mister Potato Head in his youth?

Suddenly, zombies happen! Wonder when we’d get to that.

The zombie hoards bat at the windows, while ZomBurly tries to eat the girl. Fortunately, he has the kindness to stick his eye on a knife! That’s nice of him.

The Priest and the Girl go through the industry standard “game over man, game over” and bicker some more. Good god, enough with the bickering. You bicker more than a bickering convention, held in Bickerton, with an automatic bicking machine. 

One of the Witnesses show up, and starts giving out a “Zombie Movie Awareness” lecture. When he reaches the natural point of “GETTING THE HELL OUT”, the Girl and the Priest decide to stay because they’re… they’re still waiting for her father?!

I… just… what?! Unless that guy is strapped to an aircraft carrier, and has a nuclear missile instead of a dick, than I think you need to reassess your fucking priorities. 

Aircraft carriers are notoriously anti-zombie.

The Girl and the Priest argue about whether or not people should be let in to the house, and meanwhile The Witness sees his brother outside, and is promptly told to go screw himself. Yup, these are some likeable protagonists, alright!

A wanna-be Rambo and his wife (?) manage to talk their way in to our heroes’ house, sparking off another argument about whether or not they should let people in and… no, I’m sorry, I can’t do this any more.

I was trying to be calm and collected and professional, but fuck that. This movie is boring, badly made, insulting, and a fucking Möbius Loop. It goes from zombie to argument to zombie to argument and FUCK THIS MOVIE! I HAVE SEEN MORE COHERENT PLANE CRASHES! THE FILM QUALITY IS SO BAD THAT IT IS ACTUALLY, PHYSICALLY GIVING ME CANCER.

AAARGLEFARGLEBLARRRRGYWOOOOIHATETHIS.

Thanks, I really needed that.

Anyway, the Priest and the Girl decide that the random guy walking throughout the zombie hoards may have something to do with everything, while the Wife heads off to the bathroom to transform.

Wait… a bathroom transformation scene with a character we barely know but already didn’t like?

IT’S PARASITIC! ABANDON MOVIE!

OH GOD HELP ME.

Oh wait, she doesn’t transform yet. Never mind, false alarm, unclench your sphincter.

Priesty and Girl decide that all this zombie-ism is because of the Fatherface, who still hasn’t shown up, by the way. (Seriously, you’d think he’d show up to his own movie! Lazy bastard.)

The Commando decides to go all alpha dog on the Witness and, just a side note, but I am SO glad that everyone here has easy to memorize titles. I mean, if another Priest wanders in, I’m going to be fuuuuuucked.

The Priest finds a lazer disc titled “Awaken The Dead”, and faster than one can make a joke about not watching that movie because it’s deadlier than the zombies, the Commando goes wacko! Hee hee. Rhyming.

The Priest goes all Kung Fu once again, and bonks the Commando right in to submission. Hello pointless scene, how’s the wife and kids these days?

They check the disc, and discover that the zombies are apparently a government problem! Wait, the government is creating zombies?

Thanks, Obama.

You can’t see it, but he’s waggling his finger at a zombie just out of frame.

The Girl is suitably impressed with this display of ass-kickery, strips down naked, and invites the Priest to bed.

Whoa.

This just got…

BOW CHIKA BOW WOW.

I have been looking for a place to use this again for SO LONG.

As their form of pillow talk, the Priest explains that he and the Father used to be assassins, before he became a priest. And, I mean, come on. If smacking a redneck got her to strip naked, you don’t even want to know what “I used to kill people for a living” got her to do.

(HINT: It’s sex.)

And in the other room, the Wife and the Commando are also gettin’ it on, but seeing as they’re both zombies at this point, it’s MARKEDLY less erotic. I checked on the scale. (Yes, I have a scale for this sort of thing. You’d be surprised how little I get to use it.)

The first thing ZombieWife does is try to get the windows open so all the zombies can come inside and throw a zombie kegger. But, even though the ZombieWife manages to get the bullet proof windows open, the zombie hoards are stopped by their second greatest obstacle: A normal set of blinds.

DAMN YOU SENSIBLE INTERIOR DECORATING!

*shakes fist impotently*

The Zombiemando tries to eat the Priest, and luckily, the lights go out, so we don’t have to watch the Priest beating a zombie to death naked. Then, more zombies appear! Big zombies, small zombies, zombies that climb on rocks.

The survivors turn the power back on, and slay the remaining zombies. And… I’ve given this movie a lot a flack, but I have to admit one thing: Seeing a zombie get mutilated with a blender was well worth the price of admission.

(Zero, by the way. That was the price of admission.)

Priesty and Girl sit around, trying to rest, when they suddenly decide to try to kill me with words.

“You were an animal.”

“Yeah, it’s a part of me I’ve tried to bury for years.”

“No, not with the zombies. I mean in bed.”

Great. Now I have no soul. Thanks for that.

I’m hope you’re happy.

After finding a bunch of weapons taped under a desk, they see that faceless woman from before, only now she has a face! Oh wait, the zombies got her. Okay, so forget what I said about her face.

The Priest heads outside to… I dunno. Shoot things? Save her? Give this movie an action sequence? Something like that. Anyway, zombie stock footage is copied and choppied over and over again while he “fights”. Hell, at one point, it changes from day to night!

Aaaaaand, cue Ed Wood clip!

After losing his eye and giving some exposition, the Priest and our other little hens decide to fly the coop. Fortunately, this super agent Father guy is apparently omnipotent, and managed to hide a series of exposition notes throughout the house, to be found at dramatically convenient moments!

That’s nice of him.

Anyway, his latest note tells them to head to the old church, and they tot off to their inevitable doom. Five seconds after leaving the house, they wander in to a zombie ambush! Wait, zombies can ambush?!

ZOMBIES.

DON’T.

WORK THAT WAY.

YOU, GOOD SIR, HAVE FAILED AT ZOMBIES.

They pick up a girl with no personality, and continue on their way. They bicker some more, which is good because we’ve gone ten seconds without some bickering and I was getting antsy, and we finally get a reveal for who that Burly guy was.

He was…

(Are you ready for this?)

(You should probably be ready.)

(Sit down, have a nice cup of tea.)

(Okay, I think you’re ready now.)

… THE GIRL’S PIMP.

“WHY, I NEVER!”

Now with that bomb dropped, the Girl (whom I must now dub “the Hooker” in accordance with my pre-established naming conventions), and the Priest (I should probably rename “the Killer”, now that I think about it) have a nice heart-to-heart. Which is hastily interrupted when the zombies try to have a heart-to-mouth.

We then get the most charming shot of our four with a spider crawling on the lens, which quite nicely distracted me from our “heroes” LEAVING THE WITNESS TO GET EATEN ALIVE.

Yeah, they save him in the nick of time, but that doesn’t change the fact that “let the man-child die” is our heroes first reaction. Jesus, these people couldn’t get more unlikeable if they ate a baby.

The Killer finds the guy who’s following them (did I forget to mention that?) but said guy points out that the Killer hasn’t killed anyone living in five years which means dammit, I have to start calling him Priest again. DAMN YOU, RANDOM GUY!

Our team make it to the church, when the Father shoots the ground, alerting the zombie hoards. CUE SCOOBY DOO CHASE MONTAGE!

The nameless, personality-less woman is killed, but the people with actual plot significance make it in the church. The Witness decides to have a dramatic final stand against the zombie hoards, even though there is absolutely no reason to assume they’d get in. Oh well, we’ll chock this scene up to “the director was snorting paint thinner throughout the entire production”.

They run in to the Father, who points out that the Witness’s poignant sacrifice was stupid. Not only because the doors were holding just fine, but because they have radiation bubbles inside the church which fuck up any zombie that steps in it. Good thing that radiation doesn’t cause any adverse effects to humans, huh?

Some cliché villain dialogue commences, as the Father tries to explain that “No, releasing a hoard of zombies in the middle of a city than flooding everything else with radiation is a great idea, yo!”.

Apparently he released them in the city as a “test”, so he can judge whether or not he can use it in Afghanistan or crap like that. And that would be dandy, if his henchman didn’t run through the room and click the “off” switch on all the radiation bubbles. Whoops. You know, maybe you shouldn’t have given your lifesaving super weapon such a handy off-switch.

Zombies invade, Father is turned in to a delicious snack food, radiation is dropped on the city to kill all the zombies, and I weep because I just spent two fucking hours watching this fucking movie.

“I could have spent this time masturbating!”

Awaken The Dead is a very special kind of bad Like, The Room style bad. “Anyway, how’s your sex life?” bad.

Every single aspect, from writing to acting to music to special effects to visual quality, is all utterly ungodly. I can’t even pretend to like anything about it and it hurts so much and the acting and the script and that stupid film scratch and blaaaaarg… okay, I can’t think of a joke to end this sentence. Here, have a fart noise.

*phhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbbbbbbbbb*

There, does that help?

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