The 7 Best Songs To Kick Butt To

22 Apr

Humanity has always had a fascination with butts.

(Man, what an opener.)

Specifically, with the kicking thereof! Action movies, fighting games, and violent books have all combined together to create an entire culture fixated on fighting, violence, and face-punches.

It’s officially our new currency.

But you can’t just kick some butt/punch some face! No, you need some rocking tunes to go along with it! Unless you already live in an action movie, in which case you already have a full orchestra following you around 24/7 to hype up the slaughter.

Anyway, top seven butt-kicking songs!

Ahem.

Number Seven: At The Opera Tonight

When You Would Listen To It: You’re a trouble-maker. (At least for the sake of this role-play. Just roll with me, okay?) You’re sitting in class, counting how many of your fellow classmates are discreetly masturbating under the table.

(A lot, is the answer.)

Suddenly, you’re called to the office! It turns out the school is finally on to your “Cocaine Yam” scam, and now you have to go talk to your parents.

So, you slip on this song, and start walking down the halls.

By the time you reach the office, you’ve already killed two student teachers and are now wearing a potted plant on your head.

Number Six: We Will Rock You

When You Would Listen To It: This song has street fight written all over it. I imagine two groups of thugs marching at each other, each beating the beat at the same time.

But I can see that being awkward if you’re the one guy in the whole gang who doesn’t know the song.

“You fuckers try to move in our territory?! We’re gonna cut you like a fucking trou-”

“FRANKIE!”

“What?!”

“We’re trying to sing!”

Number Five: Brand New Sucker

When You Would Listen To It: Ah, hello, Jonathan Coulton. We’ve been expecting you.

And if you honestly cannot think of a situation in which listening to a break-up song would be appropriate, then I am afraid I must make you drink a bucket of grain alcohol and hang out at the emo bar.

Number Four: Brand New Day

When You Would Listen To It: This appeared as a point in the list, cause at first it was weird that I swore to come up with seven songs, the best of the songs to devour humanity, it’s true, I was vague on the song, so how can it be that you… have shown me the song?

“And the award for ‘most out of place Dr. Horrible parody’ goes to… Erik! Congratulations! You suck! Also, why did we have that award in the first place? Seems like kind of a niche market.”

Number Three: Eye Of The Tiger

When You Would Listen To It: So, this time around, you’re a debater. You’ve been in the debate club for years, and you’re at the final debate championship, and if you fail, they’ll release the tigers. (Full disclosure: I have no idea how debating works.)

You have ten minutes to the show. You need to hype yourself up. You look at your copy of Eye Of The Tiger…

Naturally, you win the debate by technical knock-out.

Number Two: Battle Without Honour Or Humanity

When You Would Listen To It: Normally, this is where I’d say something about ‘listening to this song in a kung-fu fight’, but lets face it: You’re far more likely to listen to this while you’re cleaning the house.

“DUNNN! CLE-A-NING THE COUCH! VACUUMING THE RUG… CAUSE-IT-SMEEEEELLS!”

(Would it be shameful to say that I’ve totally done that? In which case, I’VE  NEVER DONE THAT WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT I’M TOTALLY MANLY AND I LISTEN TO THIS WHILE HAVING ALL OF THE SEX.)

Number One: Space “Motherfucking” Jam

When You Wouldn’t Listen To It: Hell, I should probably rename this to “when SHOULDN’T you listen to it” because, as far as I know, Space Jam should be listened to 24/7.

Make it replace our national anthem, no, ALL national anthems! It’ll be the new ringtone! It’ll be judge, jury, and sexecutioner! All will know of it’s majesty!

SPACE JAM WILL LEAD ALL AND KNOW ALL. ALL HAIL SPACE JAM!

Now, if you excuse me, I need to go door to door and spread the good word of Space Jam.

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